Hey CF, don't read too much into the why she is spending the 4th at the beach. Fact is if she didn't want to be around you and the friends...tradition be damned, she wouldn't go Remember, some of the things they say are just defense mechanisms anyway.
Jazz had a point in an earlier question about space. I know having kids with hectic schedules makes that kind of difficult but it is a good question. Sometimes it may seem like a good chance to have an R talk or chit chat but keeping the conversations short and not always being available is important for your sanity. Your W needs that space to, of course, grow as an individual but she also needs it to be able to miss you. Trust me,I know that not knowing what they are up to or if they are safe is hard.
I remember once a few months back when it was raining really bad here and I was upset H did not call to see if I made it home ok. You all jumped on me to give him a break and to chill...space, no pressure, be attractive to our spouse...you know all the basics
Have a great 4th CF, no expectations...just have fun with your family and friends!
Well it's starting off in a really good way. It's late so I'll post an update tomorrow but suffice to say she's here now and we've all had a great afternoon together.
A lasting memory from tonight that I'll always have was lying in the grass, us close to each other, D9 at her side jabbering away and the three of us watching the fireworks. It was one of those Norman Rockwell type nights.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Here I sit in the extra bedroom of our beach house. She's just left and it's been a very emotional 2 days. It started off so, so, so wonderful on Tuesday. The only thing that would have made Tuesday any better was sleeping in the same bed cuddled up with one another.
Then yesterday happened. She hardly spoke a word to me through the morning. Then all day on the beach, I'd bet no more than 2 dozen words passed between us. For me the silence was death drawn out over time. It gets me every time, the silence and sense that I am either being ignored or my presence isn't wanted or appreciated. I finally snapped late yesterday, she just can't comprehend how the silence kills me. She thought we were having a wonderful day. She was as she sat there all day reading and paying no attention or showing no desire to be with anyone. So I blew it and dragged her into a heated R discussion where I finally said something out of anger that I didn't mean. I told her if she wants to leave this marriage and walk away as she announced back in Oct then pack her sh-t and go, we'll be fine without her. I finally did it and feel still horrible about it. Saying such a mean thing out of anger is so wrong and so not the person I am now. But I did it.
Our conversation continued over two more episodes, one last night and the other this morning. A lot of things were said that probably needed to be said. Some things said in anger and frustration others heart felt. The hardest thing for me to hear was "look I told you before all I want to be right now is friends". I want that too, I want my best friend back. But I have to be honest, I want so much more too and that creates such a problem for us, for me.
This morning I took a walk on the beach, in the rain no less, and realized how my deep expectations have really hurt us. I am the reason we aren't any further along than we are. I am the reason she can't be romantic or see us being romantic any time soon. "A lot has to happen before we can be that again" she says. I am the reason for most of the current pain. I am, because I am being selfish. Now I really have to go and work on how to turn that all around.
After our conversation this morning we were back to having an enjoyable time together. In fact it's been a awesome time otherwise! But I need so much help with myself right now I don't know what to do. I can't afford a C until I find a new job.
She departed and told me yes it was a good weekend but we can't keep talking like this. I told her, I just want my best friend back to which she replied, "that'd be nice."
Why the F can't I keep my emotions and mouth in check?!? If I can't I will doom us to divorce. I have to find a way. I now look back on the last two days and think, it had all the possibilities to help us make great strides and yet I blew it yet once again.
This all said, we are going to go see Harry Potter on Wednesday together. After that she's not sure when she wants to do anything together. She was quick to point out to me to enjoy what I have, what she can give right now. I do, I really, really do but I want so much more and I can see it in her, she does too.
So I sit here thinking the best thing to do is go dark and I do not know if I am capable of doing that. If that's true then I have a hell of a lot of more work to do on me, especially about some co-dependency issues that seem to be still hanging around.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
For me the silence was death drawn out over time. [...]She thought we were having a wonderful day.
sounds like you're focused on what you want out of the relationship, and want to make yourself happy.
thing is, what's going to make your relationship great, is if you both want to try to make the other person happy.
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She was quick to point out to me to enjoy what I have, what she can give right now.
listen to her.
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I want so much more and I can see it in her, she does too.
you may, or may not, be right. the thing is.. if you ARE right... she needs to get acclimatized.
erm.... shall we say "foreplay"? (cough)
you cant just "jump right in". you have to make her comfortable.
you are so lucky.... she's giving you a chance. Even after your big blowup.
Do whatever is equivalent to a "cold shower" for you, and cool off.
you do not need to go dark. I think you need to learn patience, and learn happiness that stems from making her happy. If she's not seeing anyone else right now... you have a lot to be happy about in that area.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
sounds like you're focused on what you want out of the relationship, and want to make yourself happy.
thing is, what's going to make your relationship great, is if you both want to try to make the other person happy.
Yes this came up in our conversation, spending time together "enriching" each other's lives. It happens a decent amount but I fail all to often by R talk. I REALLY have to work on this.
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listen to her.
Yep she's telling me EXACTLY what to do to fix this and I keep Fing it up.
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I want so much more and I can see it in her, she does too.
you may, or may not, be right. the thing is.. if you ARE right... she needs to get acclimatized.
erm.... shall we say "foreplay"? (cough)
Now I have never thought of it in those terms but that make really good sense!
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you cant just "jump right in". you have to make her comfortable.
you are so lucky.... she's giving you a chance. Even after your big blowup.
Do whatever is equivalent to a "cold shower" for you, and cool off.
you do not need to go dark. I think you need to learn patience, and learn happiness that stems from making her happy.
I've now heard this or variations on the theme 3 times today. Hello Catfan get it!!
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If she's not seeing anyone else right now... you have a lot to be happy about in that area.
No I do not believe she is and she's said it often enough. I know those involved in affairs will lie but I think she's telling the truth. Although I suspect an EA at one point that may still be petering if it ever actually happened.
That said she's said she's open to reconciliation and open to a romantic relationship again.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Ok I just have to post something I am so excited about. This morning I arranged for D9 to take surfing lessons. I wasn't sure what to think about them because D9 can be adventurous but sometimes very reserved. Well not this morning, she was a dynamo out there. The first time she tried to stand on the board she was up and off! Surfing takes a great deal of balance and feel which she seemed to have instinctively.
Now I have to admit I was so excited this morning I was taking pictures with my phone and emailing everyone. But the first person was my wife because I wanted her to know just how much this meant to our daughter. Amazingly this has lead to an ongoing TM exchange between us and a really nice conversation this evening. It wasn't until a short time ago I realized something about all of this. She told me the other day one of the things she found attractive in me was when I was so positive, laughing and being a great father. She said this in passing and it only slightly registered because I always felt I was a great father.
Well this isn't about me and my wife, it's about my daughter and how excited I am as a father to see her excel at something almost immediately! Now I have to go find a great deal on a surfboard. LOL! I can't wait to go surfing with her tomorrow morning!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
That sounds like a lot of fun for the two of you. Just don't let her show you up to much out on the waves. That and you know you are a great dad, enjoy your time with her.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Quick update, surfing on Saturday was a bit of a washout because it was high tide, a bit rough and a bit choppy. So D9 had a hard time but still had a good time. We both are looking forward to surfing together again.
Yesterday afternoon D9 and I spent the afternoon and early evening with my wife. Why, because we were waiting for D10 to return from camp with my sister. From there I was going to drive D10 to my mother-in-law's for a week there. We all had dinner together that my wife cooked and it as really, really good and another one of those great dinners together. I really enjoyed hearing the girls laughing and enjoying the time together as a family.
During our time together my wife did her silent thing again. I was pretty tired so I didn't talk too much either. I did find myself feeling the same way again as I did earlier in the week. My I hate the silence! The difference this time was I didn't open my mouth and asked myself this question, "if I say something how will it help her feel better, how will it help her fall in love with me again?" The simple answer is it won't help at all on either point. It was really hard at times to keep quiet but in the end I felt a lot better about not saying anything. I can't say I felt like it was a good day of interaction for me at that moment but the end result felt good.
The end result, a lengthy goodbye because D10 just couldn't get it all together. But for us it meant 3 actual goodbye's with little hugs each time. Yes she actually did her one armed half hugs. Something she had not been doing these last couple of weeks. As we drove off my wife and D9 were waiting at the kitchen windows to wave goodbye. Sure she was waving to D10 but she looked at me a couple of times, smiled and waved. It was nice to have her do that again.
D10 and I finally got to my mother-in-law's house and had a bit more of a surprise, MIL was glad to see us both! She was talkative and got to telling me all about her recent trip to Canada. She even got out her pictures and I gladly sat and listened to her talk about each one. This is a huge departure from my reactions in the past, I hated those picture times. Once done it was bedtime for us all and my mother-in-law wanted to make sure I stayed and was comfortable. (I could have driven home if I wanted.)
One thing my wife hadn't told her mother about was that I had been laid off two weeks ago. To my surprise she offered to help me in my job search. Now that's a departure from the previous few months when she barely would give me the time of day.
Now I just look forward to Wednesday's outing to Harry Potter!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Remember, some of the things they say are just defense mechanisms anyway.
