Okay, so she initiated a conversation this morning. She tells me that she thinks she is going to go see a counselor to try and work out some of her issues. I say that I think that may help her alot and I also decide that now is as good a time as any to broach the MC subject. I ask her if she thinks it may be a good idea to go to MC to try and help us along (thanks for the suggestion on how to phrase it WAW). She says she is not ready for that yet and that she doesn't think that she can fix us without fixing her first. I say I understand exactly what she means-even though I think it is complete BS. I just tell her that I am not suggesting we go to MC in lieu of her going to IC, but that we could do it in addition to it. I asked her about my role in her unhappiness and she tells me that a part of her unhappiness is the fact that our relationship is not what it should be, so I ask her if she thinks that getting the relationship back to where it should be would help to alleviate at least a portion of her unhappiness that is a direct result of our relationship. She responds with the fact that she does not think that she would be "able" to be in a room with a third party with me and be able to talk without crying.
Obviously, from there we do get on the topic of our relationship. She tells me that she feels sometimes like she needs to be out on her own. That she never really has had any time to take care of herself. She says she thinks if she went out to get an apartment and lived her life on her schedule that she thinks she might snap out of it. She is so unhappy now and she doesn't know how to fix it. I tell her that I understand how she is feeling right now, and that I am here for her if she ever needs anything. I also told her that a third party may be able to help her begin to "fix" her issues.
She then tells me that she is afraid that her feelings aren't going to change and that it is beyond repair. I said I understand why she feels that way and that I am sorry that she feels that way. I also said that I didn't think her feelings were going to just change on their own. That there needed to be effort from both of us to try and effectuate the change. She did not respond to this, just merely shook her head up and down. She told me that she sees that I am trying to act like everything is normal and she feels so guilty about not acting the same way. She talked again about needing her space and I asked her if I was doing a good job giving her space that she needs, and she said it was weird because I was giving her space but she still felt suffocated. I am beginning to think her mother may be right and there could be a depression issue here. I just hope that the IC that she chooses knows what they are doing and does not screw her up even more. I have heard of some seriously terrible advice coming from counselors.
I feel pretty bad about her bringing up the separation again- I don't know what to do about this. I want her to have the space that she needs, I just feel like she is going to take that space and use it to start a new life. The fact that she is talking about renting an apartment makes me think that she is not talking about short term space, but long term. Although, I feel pretty good about the fact that at least this time, she did acknowledge that there are other things that may be contributing to her unhappiness and that it is all not just my fault. She is working tonight so I will go to hometown and I am on a floate in the parade, watch the fireworks and try not to dwell on this. I just feel like all of my hopes and dreams may be walking out the door with her when/if she leaves. And it terribly depressing.
Any support/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Oh and at the end of the conversation this morning I told her to please remember three things. That I am always here for her if she ever needs anything. That I believe that her going to see an IC is a good thing. And that I think that maybe going to see a MC may help our relationship.
Stewart, I was reading your sit and to me it does sound your wife is depressed. My H was also, and he would alot talk about how it would be better for him to be on his own, and it was not good for anyone to be around him. He did get some help both from a IC and medication and it does seem to have helped him. So if your wife does follow that part threw it should offer some help. Its very hard to deal with someone who is depressed, go to web sites, and read all you can about it, it not only affects the person, but everyone around them. The key to remember is that it is an illness, and should be treated as such, if it truly is depression there is not alot they can do to control it until they get help, and once they do it will be a slow process. For me the turn around came when on my way home from work H called and said he had left me, did it over the phone because he couldn't face me, he thought he could stay with his parents and it would all be peachy. His parent were fine with it until they learnt that I in fact had not agreed to any separation, and he had told me over the phone, so they told him to go home and work it out. He called me to see if he could sleep on the couch, when he said it was just for somewhere to sleep I said no. End of contact. He did try to call a couple more time, however I stood my ground and didn't talk to him. He called the next morning wanting for us to meet and talk about the marriage, and now we are back together. Today he told me he would never leave me again because he loved me to much! So patience, patience, patience, and somewhere in there alittle wake up call that will scare them to the sense's!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Good for letting her be the one to broach the subject about counseling. Sounds like you did as much as you can without pressuring her. You told her that you were there for her and that MC was an option. Sounds positive that she is going to see an IC. If she is depressed the IC will be able to work on this either with counceling or meds or both.
I know this is very sad and difficult for you. But you are handling it very well. Wish my H was doing half as well as you in this arena. I know separation sounds terrible but it might be what she needs right now. She needs to miss you, know what she is leaving behind and make the choice to want to be back at home with you. Sometimes people just can't recognize this when they are in close proximaty.
I had a heck of a week so I don't have much more to add today. But I will keep checking in with you. Hang in there. Try to do things for yourself and work on you to keep your focus rather than dwell on the situation.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Well, had a little (understatement) backslide last night. Yesterday was just too much for me. It was the day I asked her to marry me 5 years ago. It has always been my favorite holiday. Well, long story short, I drank yesterday. First time in a long time. Went to the 4th of July parade in hometown, hung out with some old buddies and I started to drink. I was in such a terrible mood that I kept on drinking. Well, my cellphone died and I did not call her to tell her I would not be coming home. She is reeeeeeeeealy upset with me. She does not know that I drank, but has really let it be known that I screwed up last night. And I admit it. I should have called her to tell her I would not be coming home. But what I did last night is not dissimilar to things that she has done to me. And I did not do it to be spiteful or to get back at her, but honestly, I don't know what to do. She has basically told me that she doesn't want to talk to me all day today. She is working an overnight double tonight so I will not see her until 1:00 am saturday morning. I don't know what to do here.
My work performance has suffered dramatically since this all started. I just figured out that I have to say something to the partners. I just can't seem to concentrate on anything else while the rest of my life is falling apart. I use all of my energy to pretend that everything is okay when I am with her and am around family and friends, so I barely have anything left to do anything else.
I am completely at a loss here for what to do next. How do I approach her again? What do I do? I feel terribly about not calling her, that is exactly what I ask her not to do, when she goes out. If my phone did not die, I would have called her. I made a mistake last night. I just want to get past it. Having the most difficult time with her right now. She is in the shower, she went to get a haricut today back in Mass. I just miss her so much. I can tell she was crying when she got back home. I just want to help her, as I can see she is struggling.
Your cell phone died! It happens. It is a legit reason for not calling. Knowing she has done it to you in the past could give her the impression that it was spiteful. But what's done is done. You can't change it so work on moving past. I don't know if you can write her a short note and leave it in her car. Nothing too deep or serious. Just state how sorry you are, it was a legitamate mistake and you respect that she doesn't want to talk to you right but you just want her to know that you did not do it intentionally and you are here if she needs anything.
As much as you want to help her if she told you she doesn't want to talk etc, you will have to respect that and back off. Let her be the one to come to you. Yes, it sucks but its what you have to do to show her you respect her boundaries.
I would omit any discussion of the drinking unless of course she will find out anyway. Then you may want to fess up so it doesn't seem like you were hiding it and become a whole other issue. I am sorry, but does she think you have a drinking problem or does she just not like it? I may have missed this info in your sitch.
In the mean time...try to keep your mind occupied. Work on Stew...180's GAL etc. You may want to notify your partners that there is a situation. Esp if you think its effecting the quality of your work. Most are pretty understanding if you tell them. Esp if things get worse before they get better. JMHO. I know my boss was very understanding and has helped my sitch by allowing me to work a flex shift so I can pick up D4 from school etc.
Hang in there buddy! Ps: She gets her haircut in Mass? Are you in the NE area? Just being nosey.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Thanks for the reply. She did come home today before she left for work so I did see her. When she came in I just said I am sorry. She said that it was okay and we hugged. I could tell that she had been crying. It pains me so much to see her like this. I can see that she is struggling and I just want to do everything I can to try and help her.
Regarding the drinking, that was one of the things that she said she wanted me to change. I have been, hadn't drank since April. I don't believe I have a drinking problem but out of respect for her and her concerns I told her I would not drink anymore. Yesterday was just a very hard day for me. The 4th has always been special for us, since it was the day I proposed and we always make a big deal of the holiday. I feel terrible about drinking, but it helped me to put some of this situation out of my head for a bit.
I know that I need to work harder at GAL. The relationship just seems to be so close to breaking that I have a hard time concentrating on anything else. It seems like everything that I have ever hoped/wished for is slipping away. I want to have kids, I want to have a family, but now I think that may never happen.
I am meeting with the managing partner today at 5. I sent him an email today just saying that I am having some personal/marital issues and that I needed to fill him in on some things. I told my wife that I was meeting with him and she got really concerned. She said that she was afraid that I was going to do something irrational like quit. I don't know why she cares so much since she doesn't take much interest in anything else I do. I think that she would feel terribly guilty if this situation affected me professionally. I hope my boss is as understanding of the situation as yours.
Yes, she does get her haircut in Mass. She grew up there and can't change her hairdresser so she goes back there to get haircut or any spa appointments. We live in NY, but I went to college in MA which is where I met her.
Thanks for checking in on my thread. I am really concerned about her right now. She does seem to be going through depression. She has lost a ton of weight and has been having trouble sleeping. She says that she is so unhappy. I never thought that we would ever be at this point. I almost think that I need to go see IC myself, as I feel like I am drowning right now. I am so unhappy myself.
She texted me today when she got to work saying that she was sorry for everything and making me sad. I told her that she doesn't need to apologize and that we will get better, just going to take some effort. I told her again that I am here for her. I am really worried about her. It kills me to see her struggling like this.
If it truly is depression then its going to be a rought road, there is no denying it, but you can come through it! My H was the same, he lost alot of weight was barely eating and his sleep patterns were all over the place. If she will get help that there are bound to be some improvements, she will need to see either the family doctor or a C that prescribe medication. She will need to be assest. Also I would say that you should definately consider getting some IC yourself, you are having to deal with alot to, and its good to be able to get that out to someone. I know how you feel, this is such a hard thing to stand by and watch your wife go through, all we can be is supportive, without really interfereing, just let her know you are there.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Sounds like you have some open communication with the W after the cell phone thing. I agree with Limbo that IC for you would be a good idea. If you wife if depressed you will need the right kind of support to help her through this. I have suffered from depression/anxiety/panic for years. DH was not at all supportive and this caused part of the alienation. He also mocked me when I was in IC. But I would def. encourage you both to seek IC until she is ready to go to MC. On a positive note and IC will probably encourage her to see an MC with you if they think it will help her state of mind. Depression is a very serious illness but many people have it, work through it and get it under control. She is very lucky to have you to support her through this.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
I think that I am going to attempt to get some help for myself. I have a lot of emotions right now and I think that I need to talk to someone about it. I have a couple of names of some therapists in the area.
She worked a double last night so I did not see her except for very short time this morning before I left for work. She came and got right in bed. It was 8:00am and she had worked since 3:30 yesterday afternoon. We did have a fairly pleasant interaction yesterday before she went to work. I talked to managing partner yesterday to fill him in a bit on the situation. He was very understanding.
Thank God it is Friday. I think I need the opportunity to just spend some quality time with her. I miss her so much. I miss everything that our relationship was. I really hope that she gets to an IC that is going to really help her. How do I get her to be more open with me? I want to be here for her to help her. She did open up quite a bit on Wednesday morning. I just hope that she feels comfortable talking to me. I'd really like to go to MC right now. She doesn't think that she can do it. I don't understand why. If part of her unhappiness is because of our relationship, if the MC could help our relationship, wouldn't that alleviate some of her unhappiness? But she tells me that she needs to straighten herself out first before she can work on the relationship. God, I really miss her.
