Love, what is it, is it real, does it matter?

[toughlover]

I have the strength to go on despite my W not asking forgiveness or saying she loves me, and part of that strength is due to the advice you've given me.

Well I guess for me the crux of the matter is what you mean by "go on."

I had no problem staying married to my wife, being a good husband, and all that even when she couldn't tell me she loved me. We love God by keeping his commandments; it isn't emotional...it's a decision. To me, the fact that she was willing to repent and even attempt to live up to her commitment was more meaningful and satisfying than the ILY's and emotional stuff. That's not to say the ILY's and emotional stuff aren't important; they are! I agonized over the loss of that, but that level of agony paled in comparison to what I would have been going through if she'd left us or continued to see the OM.

But this wasn't simply a choice like choosing two different kinds of laundry soap. This was huge and would permanently alter the course of our family's life. She chose to alter it for the better by staying together and giving it her best. Since that time, since she's been away from OM, she's seen more clearly how horribly she treated our whole family while pretending to be the "good one." She's seen more clearly the way she started telling herself lies and believing them. That's why I am able to believe in her again, and I think it's important for husbands and wives to believe in each other to a certain degree.

You perservered when you thought it was over and she was seeing the OM.

She never saw the OM again (as far as I know) once she confessed to me and agreed to recommit. It was one of the conditions I laid out when I told her I would give her my absolute best but only if she weren't dishonoring our family by continuing an adulterous relationship. And by that I mean I wouldn't abide her finding excuses to take the kids to their friends' houses or manipulate their social lives in order to see her OM (which I found out she had indeed been doing, pre-bomb). Of course, we moved far enough away that it would have been much more difficult to carry out.

And I never said I'd leave or that she had to leave, or that I wouldn't continue to be a loving husband and father...only that I would fulfill my obligations but that she couldn't expect me to go the extra mile if she were seeing someone else, or communicating with someone else.

She chose to follow my lead. But it was rough going for a long time. Many months. She claimed to have no feelings for me at all for a long time, but she still did her best to live up to her side of the covenant, and I did the same. It became a new adventure. But the feelings didn't come til much later.

I felt bad all the time for the first couple of months. Then I went through a long period where I felt good a little and bad a lot...then she started changing as well, being more affectionate. The I love you's came back after several months. And I start feeling good a lot and bad only some of the time.

Now it's good most of the time. I have moments, though. Vivid memories of lies she told; anger, hurt pride, etc.

I've gotten to where I can keep it from affecting me too bad. That's only possible because we've been doing what's necessary to improve our marriage, our family, and our life together.

For mature people, I think, the emotions are the byproduct of the decision, not the motivation for the decision.

The thing that's important is that, sure, I hoped in an abstract way we could have a good marriage again. But that wasn't the motivation for my choice...although I wanted it to be. But she just looked me in the eye one day just after the bomb dropped and said something like, "I guess it's possible I could be attracted to you and have feelings for you again, but I can't even imagine that happening. I'm open to it, but I sure don't see it."

That's a tough thing to hear. My response was simply that I realized that, and that she could leave anyway someday, but I decided that my vow had to mean something, that it did mean something, and even if she rejected it I was going to remain faithful because that was my commitment...to her, God, my kids, and myself.

It wasn't pretty. It was pure agony for me, and I struggled, I sometimes said and did the wrong thing, and I sometimes was tempted to a variety of things. Then, when she really invested herself completely in our marriage again after 8 or 9 months, I got really resentful and even pushed her away for a while. Nothing prepared me for the resentment I began to feel so strongly once I got what I thought I wanted.

But I got my wife back. Our family is better and our kids are happier. Most importantly, our marriage is getting stronger than it's ever been, and we're both more secure in it and willing to fight for it if need be. The problems we have these days are just the normal ones most families encounter. Everything's been real good for a long time now.