Lin, Thanks for your thoughts. I agree that moving on doesn't mean moving on to someone else. I have no intentions of getting involved with anyone until my D is finalized. My H did that and he has successfully ruined his marriage and his life (at least for the time being). I have been holding out going out on the local scene because of my H. We live in a small town, and I was protecting him. I was still hoping to reconcile with him, so I avoided that scene because I thought if people didn't see either of us, it seemed less real, less questions, etc. However, I also believe that me not getting myself out there has caused my H to believe that I am just waiting around for him to come back. At this point, I give my marriage about a 5% chance of working, so I am going to do things for myself and myself only. He hasn't considered my feelings in 8 months, so it's time to move on. If he wants to reconcile, he is going to have to win me back. I think that I am worth it, but if he doesn't, I'll eventually find someone else for now it's all about having fun and renewing my confidence in myself.
Husband, Don't worry you didn't make me feel bad. You are right no one is lucky on here. We are taking what life deals us. This isn't what I expected, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I will be able to start over in my life with a whole new outlook and hopefully eventually find someone that appreciates me for me. I am still young enough to start over, but I think that I have one thing up on a lot of other people my age. I have had to deal with a lot of things in my 20's that some people never have to deal with, but I am going to make sure it makes me a stronger, better person.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"We" filed for divorce 2 times in the 18 months he was gone...we did get 5 days from being final once...and ironically the last filing is still "pending"...we have extended the date 6 times...the last 2 times having to physically appear before a judge and "ask permission" to have more time to work things out...our next date is Sept 4th...the 3 year anniversary (if I should call such a thing an anniversary) of his leaving me...I think we will reduce to a legal seperation only because he has some huge financial issues to clear up so as not to affect me and my good credit!
So filing...being served...and realistically even have a divorce become final doesn't necessarily mean things are "forever" over...I do think if my D had become final that eventually we would have still worked back together...it just might have taken longer...
My main point was moving on doesn't "have to include another R with someone"...and probably for most it shouldn't...because the hurt we all have experienced needs time to heal...and if we put a bandaid on it...the healing is slowed down...and sometimes it heals over the top leaving a wound to fester and come up later...the longer your R/M was I think the longer this time is...and I fought it...but looking back it (time) is what helped me become my best...and feel good about myself not because of someone else making me feel good...
We have been together for 11 years and married for 5 years. We have been separated for almost 7 months and his affair has been going on for 8 months. He has been living with OW for 6 months. It's time for me to see an attorney and see what my options are. I'm guessing that me filing is my best option at this point. I never wanted to do that because he is the one that wanted out of the marriage. However, he is so controlling, it would be nice to feel like I am in control of something, so he can't hold my every action over my head. My H (like many others on here) has gone crazy. I know my story isn't the craziest one on here, but it definately ranks towards the top of the ones that I have seen. I don't know this guy anymore. He is definately not the man that I married. With him leaving me for someone else, my confidence has taken a huge hit. I need to get out there and build myself back up. I think that a couple things make my sitch harder to swallow than some others: 1. Affair happened fairly early in our marriage. 2. We've been separated for 8 months and he has been living with OW for 6. 3. I am a very attractive, sweet, successful 27 year old (a lot of men would be happy to date me) -- the comment everyone made about my H when they found out he was leaving me was "What the hell is wrong with him?" 4. This hasn't been stewing for years. Other than the infertility problems that we faced, we were happy. I believe that my H looked to this OW to take his mind off of what we were dealing with. It was a one-night stand gone terrible wrong. 5. My H doesn't even pretend to be happy. He looks miserable. 6. OW is someone that rubs everyone the wrong way. She is the kind of person that no one likes. It's not even worth the typing to compare us, I have a lot more to offer someone than her. 7. He has done so many crazy, irrational things. He bought a house with OW after knowing her for 1.5 months. He up and left his entire life in 2 months time. He quit his job that he worked at for 5 years, left his entire family that he used to deal with on a daily basis, left me, left his farm/house that he has spent the last 7 years building with his own two hands, the list just goes on and on. I read an article one time that said the more sane the LBS is the more insane the WAS might act. I do believe that is the case for us.
Unless there is a miracle, our marriage is too far gone. I'm sure that you felt this same way because it looks like you were separated for quite awhile before you got back together. Any more insight you can offer?
Last edited by hopeless11; 07/05/0701:00 PM.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
You can look up my early posts...from when I first started coming here...they are archived as I know another poster found them...if I told you all the absolutely insane things my H did...you can read them as I am sure I posted most...you would question my sanity in taking him back...
You don't gain control by filing...I thought it would give me control but it didn't...and sometimes it makes you feel more out of control...besides...this isn't about controling...you H may use that as his power tool but you don't have to be controled by him or his actions..
Many a man said the same thing when they heard my H had left...all I could say was he was insane...and I now KNOW for a fact that he was insane...he is doing so much better now but it is with the help of his primary doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist...and he was a man who would have NEVER EVER gone to counseling of any kind...so this still blows me away...
Yes, your situation is different in that it was early in your marriage....but not so early in comparison to your relationship...it is the same in that it appears you were high school sweethearts...my H and I met at 15/19....married 18/21...
I also understand the emotional hit this takes on you...I was always a very confidant, I can conquer anything, sort of woman...I am still working on getting that back...
All I can tell you is that it is still early to say all is lost...and still a lot of time to you to work through things for yourself...
Thanks Lin. I am meeting with an attorney, but not necessarily going to file. I need to protect myself financially. We have quite a bit of assets and my H has already dissapated a bunch of his portion. We had a verbal agreement on how we would split things, and it is time for me to see what my options are.
Yes, we were high school sweethearts. We met at 16/17 and married at 22/23. Neither of us had serious relationships before ours. He may be 28 now, but he has no other relationship experience and this OW has plenty and took advantage of his inexperience. She has brainwashed him and ruined his life.
Not that I am glad to hear that your H was insane, but it definately makes me feel a little better, hearing other H's behaved the same way. Somedays I think that I am the one that is crazy, but then I realize it is him that is making me like this. I am going completely dark and removing myself from his drama. It's amazing how fast a normal person can turn into a crazy person. Just the other day, one of my coworkers told me that her counsin's wedding was cancelled because the bride married someone else 2 weeks before their wedding. They had been together for 3 years and engaged for 1 year.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I think you are following the right path in a very difficult situation. You do need to protect yourself financially, not just from your H (or who he has become) but also from OW who seems to be pulling the strings. She is probably the one who suggested he ask for equity out of the house. And she was only too glad to "help him" hide assets by putting money into her house.
Definitely remove yourself from his drama. Go dark. Get your own cell phone. And see that lawyer.
Mike, Thanks for the support. I completely agree that this is my only option at this time. This OW is definately pulling strings. God knows that she would have no trouble completely taking over my life including living in my house (it's much nicer than hers). The only way that is going to happen is over my dead body. I never wanted this to get nasty, but I'm afraid that it might. The only hope left is that my H will have a complete change of heart and character when he is facing the reality of divorce and losing me forever.
Is it considered hiding assets because he gave her money for the down payment on the house when his name is not tied to the house in anyway? His comment to me when I found this out was, "Well I'm not stupid, after we get divorced, I'm going to put it in my name so you can't get any of it in the divorce". I thought, why the hell would I want anything to do with that house. He couldn't have bought that house on his own without disclosing that he was married and he would have never gotten approved for a loan because he was unemployed at the time. He actually has done quite a few things to it to improve it's value, so he has stuck quite a bit of money and time into this house, so I think that he hiding assets and the OW is definately behind this mess. I know this can't hurt me in the divorce, but can it help me much either?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Wouldn't be a hoot if (and I hope not but)If after your divorce she dumps your H and say's "what down payment". I don't understand How Our S have so much trust i these people that they hardly know.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Is it considered hiding assets because he gave her money for the down payment on the house when his name is not tied to the house in anyway?
Absolutely. Unless he claims it was payment for sex, and then you can get her for prostitution.
This is why it is important to value everything as of November. Whatever he has done with his income and (his portion of) assets in the meanwhile is immaterial. The farther you get from that date, the harder it is to calculate.
The flip side of the argument is that if he wants to value everything at a later date, you can argue that his time and talents going into OW's house were marital assets, along with his "gift" of money for the downpayment.
Thanks again Mike. I really appreciate your insight. Let's hope all the stupid things that he has done, help me get what I want out of the D. I know that it is wishful thinking to think that I can get everything that I am asking for, but maybe if I give a little, he will bite because God knows he doesn't want to pay an attorney all kinds of money and have to disclose everything. This story is pretty crazy and he is only going to look worse and worse. I am a numbers person, so he should know better than to try and hide things from me. I am thinking that I am going to ask my attorney if what I want is reasonable. If not, I think that I will start by offering him about $5,000 worth of company stock that I have. That way, he could sell it and he wouldn't have to wait around for me to refinance the house to get his equity. Also, in his D papers, it said that I had to refi the house within 2 years and he would quit claim the deed to me. I read somewhere that there is a way to take someone's name off of a mortgage without refinancing if the person staying on the loan could qualify by themselves. I am sure that I can qualify for the outstanding balance of our mortgage by myself. Does anyone know anything about this?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
