Love, what is it, is it real, does it matter?

[LoginName]

TL, thanks, and you're a lucky guy. You are lucky that your W feels the way she does and is working at it the way she is. I envy you. I know you've had some challenges, I guess she has too.

I think your path is good, and it sounds like it is right for you. However, from reading on this site, I don't think anyone should give up if their W isn't "serious" or doesn't seem to be. Especially with infidelity. I'd love my W to do like yours did, and allow me to monitor her phone, etc. But that won't work for her. It took me some time and pain and thought, but I can live with not having her show she is serious in that way. I think many on these boards are in the same boat. I have the strength to go on despite my W not asking forgiveness or saying she loves me, and part of that strength is due to the advice you've given me.

I personally couldn't do that on the hope that my wife would really want me again someday.

TL, I think you did do this. You perservered when you thought it was over and she was seeing the OM. Maybe some of us are still in that stage, even if the A is over.

You said something not long ago about how one of the deciding factors was you realizing that she may leave you, and you'd survive, and more importantly that you could choose to leave too. That's powerful. That's how I feel. I've chosen to be her husband and to love her, but I can let her go, and I can go if I choose too.

I'm not being a doormat. I don't think others are either, although it's a fine line, and many, many get trapped in the cycle you pointed out; action to get a reaction from the spouse, when the focus has to be taken off of the spouse and onto ourselves. Wear the ring or not - do it 'cause you want to not to see the affect. Be a good husband - not to make her love you, but because You want to. Right? That's the idea, IMHO.

From my view point (limited as it is), your W is stellar. She felt terrible, found someone who made her happy, came back to you, faced your rath, faced the condemnation of friends and church, struggled through her feelings that she no longer loved you (acted 'as if' she did?) faced crisis with health and your son, this has been a hard, tough job for her. She has really tried. My guess is you helped her through this, but that at times, you pushed her away too.

All our sitches are similar, but all different too. You have a strong, amazing wife. Some of us have Ws that are weaker, less mature, less forgiving. I think your's and her faith has helpeld you both. But we all find our own way in the end. The basics of DBing apply regardless, how they are put into practice may vary.

I'm writing this at work, too quickly. Re-reading your post, I think we would agree with each other on this.

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

OK, I guess my whole point is - don't give up (any of y'all out there who may be reading this) if your spouse isn't trying as hard as you'd like him or her too try. Make the decision based on what you feel is right, not on what she or he is or isn't doing.

It takes two to make a good marriage, but sometimes one person has to do more of the work than the other. Sometimes the other is doing all they can, and it won't feel like it's enough, but it's all they can.

enough rambling.