Here I sit in the extra bedroom of our beach house. She's just left and it's been a very emotional 2 days. It started off so, so, so wonderful on Tuesday. The only thing that would have made Tuesday any better was sleeping in the same bed cuddled up with one another.
Then yesterday happened. She hardly spoke a word to me through the morning. Then all day on the beach, I'd bet no more than 2 dozen words passed between us. For me the silence was death drawn out over time. It gets me every time, the silence and sense that I am either being ignored or my presence isn't wanted or appreciated. I finally snapped late yesterday, she just can't comprehend how the silence kills me. She thought we were having a wonderful day. She was as she sat there all day reading and paying no attention or showing no desire to be with anyone. So I blew it and dragged her into a heated R discussion where I finally said something out of anger that I didn't mean. I told her if she wants to leave this marriage and walk away as she announced back in Oct then pack her sh-t and go, we'll be fine without her. I finally did it and feel still horrible about it. Saying such a mean thing out of anger is so wrong and so not the person I am now. But I did it.
Our conversation continued over two more episodes, one last night and the other this morning. A lot of things were said that probably needed to be said. Some things said in anger and frustration others heart felt. The hardest thing for me to hear was "look I told you before all I want to be right now is friends". I want that too, I want my best friend back. But I have to be honest, I want so much more too and that creates such a problem for us, for me.
This morning I took a walk on the beach, in the rain no less, and realized how my deep expectations have really hurt us. I am the reason we aren't any further along than we are. I am the reason she can't be romantic or see us being romantic any time soon. "A lot has to happen before we can be that again" she says. I am the reason for most of the current pain. I am, because I am being selfish. Now I really have to go and work on how to turn that all around.
After our conversation this morning we were back to having an enjoyable time together. In fact it's been a awesome time otherwise! But I need so much help with myself right now I don't know what to do. I can't afford a C until I find a new job.
She departed and told me yes it was a good weekend but we can't keep talking like this. I told her, I just want my best friend back to which she replied, "that'd be nice."
Why the F can't I keep my emotions and mouth in check?!? If I can't I will doom us to divorce. I have to find a way. I now look back on the last two days and think, it had all the possibilities to help us make great strides and yet I blew it yet once again.
This all said, we are going to go see Harry Potter on Wednesday together. After that she's not sure when she wants to do anything together. She was quick to point out to me to enjoy what I have, what she can give right now. I do, I really, really do but I want so much more and I can see it in her, she does too.
So I sit here thinking the best thing to do is go dark and I do not know if I am capable of doing that. If that's true then I have a hell of a lot of more work to do on me, especially about some co-dependency issues that seem to be still hanging around.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
