I really think it would help your situation tremendously if your H would get on this sight and read some of these things. I only wish that my W would show about 1/10th of your willingness to give your H the benefit of the doubt and to get things to work in the R.
As far as your husband's actions now being a reaction to your leaving, you are probably right... they are reactionary to your leaving. But try to remember that most men are not in tune with the relationship the same way you are. I know that I did not realize how bad things had become until my W told me that she thought she needed time and space. Up until that point, I just assumed that things would get better eventually, as I never thought that I would have to go one without her. It really hit home and I realized that I better start addressing some of her concerns when she came out with that. It was a real eye opener for me, and I'd be willing to bet that it was for your H also.
I am impressed with both you and your husand's efforts to make things seem normal for your daughter's sake. It is not easy to be able to separate feelings and to act like nothing is wrong when you are in front of her. You should be commended for that. I do see your problem with it giving evidence to your H that things are improving. Tough to deal with that, though short of reminding him that the pleasant interactions are really to ensure that your D's life remains intact and stable. Do you ever have pleasant time together with your H when D is not around?
If you are not ready for dating yet, you should tell him firmly but nicely that you are not ready for that step right now. Something along the lines of "I do want to make this relationship work and am willing to do what I have to to make it work, but I am just not at the point whereby I would be comfortable dating you right now. Please do not take this to mean that I never want to, just that I am not at that point yet." If he has any sense, he should back off with these requests.
Thanks for all of your input on my thread. Your perspective really helps me to digest most of the situations I encounter.
Def did not come off as harsh. You make excellent points. Yes I am still seeing IC and have talked about the anger, resentment etc. Its just something that I have to work through. Hopefully I can. But I am really hurting now in addition to the other feelings so I am just trying to heal enough to let my gaurd down.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Glad you are talking about it and working through it. I just know from my own experience that as long as you are coming at it from "Why now?" "How come you didn't do this before?" "What is the motivation now?" etc. kind of framework that no one wins. You don't win because you don't get to enjoy any of the love he is showing you, and he doesn't win because that love isn't accepted and eventually he'll stop giving it and his own love for you will be diminished because he won't be receiving any back.
Some good books on living in the moment and living for life are: The Secret The Passion Driven Life
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
Urghhh...rotten rotten couple of days. DH is pushing & manipulating me. I told him we would continue to spend "family time" D4 so he uses this and begins to create additional situations under that guise. I politely declined his offer to watch fireworks with him and D4 on July 3rd as we already had planned and entire "family day" for the 4th. He made me feel guilty and like a bad parent because I didn't want to spend the evening with "them" re: him. It occurred to me that all extra time I had spent at the house because fo the dance recitals etc that DH was mistaking that for progress. I told him as much and it turns out, that yes, in his mind civil family time means that things are "back to normal or somehow better". I clarified for the record that time was about D4, not him and not us. So he took D4 himself and they had a good time.
I came home yesterday ready to spend the day with D4. He is still reluctant to let me take her anywhere on my own, which I find wrong and super insulting. I am her mother last time I checked. We also got into a big blowout because of my wedding rings. I slammed my finger in a door (he was present) and had to take then off because the finger swelled up like a blimp. Its all black and blue so I haven't bothered putting the rings back on. This happened on Sunday. I did not sleep at the house Sunday and left the rings there. So he asks Monday night about my finger, I tell him its still swollen etc etc. Then Tues he comes right out and asks why the ring isn't on...this is where I refrain from asking if he is a moron cause my finger is still in pretty bad shape. Again yesterday morning theres another comment...now I sufficiently pissed off so I purposely do not put the rings back on because I find his behavior annoying, controlling and juevenile. So this leads to him asking AGAIN last night and leads into a nasty argument. I tell him that I could have put it back on but because he is on my case I am not doing it. So he tells me in his mind this means its over. Its not worth working on blah blah blah...now he tells me he is pulling away from me and I will be lucky if he is till there when I work through this...Oh and the kicker, I can't come and go as I please in my own house. I must stay at my mothers from now on. He takes the nights I am at the house to be with D4 to mean things are fine, getting better blah blah blah. Its only been two weeks, two MC sessions. He really thinks there is a quick fix and now that its become clear that there isn't he doesn't want to give anymore effort.
He didn't understand what I meant when I said we have to start over. Its just starting to sink in for him and he said he doesn't want to. So what now folks?
Do I just move out and move on? Thats what he said he wants, for me to move out so he can move on and get over the loss of his marriage.
I just don't see how its fair that I tell him all of this for years. He ignores it. Now because we went to 2 MC sessions and nothing has changed yet (the whole takes time thing seems to be lost on him) he doesn't want to work on it anymore...WTF? No offense but what incentive do I have>? I have already emotionally divorced him. For me its all but I over. The only hope I had was he was willing to try. Now I guess he is not.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
I am very sorry. I know this is hard. Your H is not where most of us LBS on this board are. But it took many of us a long time to get here. He will "get it" eventually, and I hope it isn't too late.
Did you try any of my suggestions for using your therapist to get through to your husband. That is, getting the therapist on board with DR, and then enlisting T to get through to your husband?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Hi Nomo. Thanks for the reply. The MC was supposed to meet with each of us alone last week but didn't. Just met with the two us to do an excercise about control. I haven't had a chance to speak with him 1 on 1 yet. Also H was supposed to ask about seeing him for an IC as well but that didn't happen either. As far as DR, since H is reluctant I didn't mention to the C in front of him. Now C is on vacation for two weeks so I guess it will have to wait until then.
I am very depressed and hurt that he is acting like a child about this. Mostly because he is withholding access to my D4 as some type of punishment. Yes, i could get the courts involved and then it wouldn't be an issue but I was hoping he would be mature enough not to have to go that route.
I don't know if I can keep extending the olive branch. I have almost had it and just want to quit myself.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Its only been two weeks, two MC sessions. He really thinks there is a quick fix and now that its become clear that there isn't he doesn't want to give anymore effort.
You're right -- he does think there is a quick fix, because he still doesn't empathize with your feelings and what you've dealt with emotionally for X amount of years. It's not that he refuses to do it, he is just ignorant to the sitch from your perspective (he is in selfish mode) and therefore CAN'T do it. I was the exact same way, and I forced W to make a decision to D or get back together and work it out after less than 2 months separation. In my mind, that was sufficient time for her to decide on how she felt, but in her mind she needed at least the 9 months she signed her apt lease for. She of course said D then "if you're going to make me choose now." Man do I wish I'd have given her the space and time she needed and had asked me for. But, like your DH, I was being selfish and only thinking about how much "I" was hurting.
Please understand that he isn't where most of the LBS's on this site are at, and that most of us were in DH's shoes at one point too (like nomo said, I think). It will take time for him, and I do think that IF YOU CAN MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO KEEP TRYING, you should recommend doing a Healing Separation (more on this in a minute). It may actually take the both of you physically separating for a while for him to come around. I know you want to make this M work (that's why you're here, right?), but also understand how emotionally exhausted you are. Maybe try to ride things out until C gets back and try that plan previously mentioned. Then if things don't work, maybe suggest the separation.
If you want to look into the "Healing Separation" that I mentioned above, you can find it in the appendix of a book titled "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher. It is an outlined document that explains a) what a healing separation is, b) who a healing separation is for, and c) how to go about doing one. It even has a detailed generic "contract" for both parties in a healing separation to read and fill out together. I really liked the whole notion (and I think you and DH would too), but by the time I came across it my pleas landed on deaf ears.
Please look into it -- IMO it is worth trying (esp in your sitch since you are a WAS willing to try to make your M work).
Quote:
Now because we went to 2 MC sessions and nothing has changed yet (the whole takes time thing seems to be lost on him) he doesn't want to work on it anymore...WTF?
Oh believe me -- he wants to work on it. He is just impatient and wants a quick fix. He's hoping that this will actually make you come back NOW. I know because I did the same thing. In addition to the demand to D or move back in that I mentioned above, I ended up filing for D when she didn't do it for a while after saying she would. I did it hoping she would change her mind -- now, from a WAW's point of view (and my own hindsight):
I have to laugh GD, whenever I see those initials I keep thinking "Grateful Dead" instead of "Gone Dancin'"
You have been where my H & I are, and have great insight. I am trying to be as patient as possible and I understand that these are "tactics" that make sense to him right now. Thankfully I am here and I have all of you to help me out. I can step back and say, most LBS have done this, without success and eventually "woke up" and started using more productive tactics. It helps to hear that others do the same things and that here you are still working things out.
Yes, I agree filing for the Big D probably wasn't a great idea, but hey you were trying a tactic that you thought would be helpful at the time. Now you know it wasn't and at least you have seen the light and are working hard to restore your M. I guess it happens to the best of us.
Just like as WAW I keep saying to myself, why didn't I just leave him months ago, a year ago, two years ago, before things got so twisted that we are in this mess where there seems to be little hope of recovery. There is always that self doubt, yes I asked for MC time after time, but why didn't I ever just say either we go to MC or I leave. I can't help but feel my share of the blame for detaching, letting go and locking him out of my heart.
I appreciate the post. You give me hope that its just a tactic and that DH will come around again in time.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
