I know this is the way ahead right now but it is hard.
I have been ( as best as I can ) to view what W is up to from the perspective of someone looking in from the outside. I know this is trying to analyse what she is up to however I need to do this for my own sanity.
We are now 24 hrs out from her moving out. Last evening she went and did grocery shopping for the family for the next 2 weeks. This morning she did the clothes washing before work and has a roast chicken dinner planned for this evening. There was nothing said last night other than some discussion about the second fridge.
We still have not discussed this with the Kids and I think we should have and I guess that will be tonight.
This is causing W a lot of pain , I can see it at times however mostly she acts like things are normal.
So what drives a committed mum who would never leave her family (her words) to walk away? Simply its the OM , he is her escape from everything that has gone wrong in the past , the one thing that makes her happy right now.
This new R could last and they may be very happy together or it will become the new reality and all those old demons will have followed W and need to be dealt with .
In any case I have no choice in the matter , she will follow her path and I guess over the next few months we will see where that leads her.
I am going to miss her , but I can also look forward to a new chapter in my life and whatever that brings.
I agree that none of what W says sounds permanent, and I think it will be good for her growth to actually get out and see how her life could be different without you (as hard and crappy as this is), and it will be good for her to see you GAL and that you will be okay with or without her (although we all know you'd prefer it to be with).
I would've thought that she would've brought up the need to talk with the kids about it by now if she's leaving tomorrow, but maybe she's just procrastinating and waiting until it is absolutely necessary. Then again, maybe her plans will fall through and she'll decide to stay. Whatever the case may be, you have a good grip on what needs to be done on your end and I wish you the best of luck!
Hi all Its 3.15 am in CK land and I have been through the toughest night of my life. To put my kids through that kind of pain is almost impossible. They were so good though we talked and then played a game together or two to tale thier minds off the reality. Me and W havebeen up talking to now ( after 3.00 ) we have not talked like this for a long time . W asked me , if I want to come back . I baulked on the answer and she was hurt. we talked and talked , both listened to each other it was the worst and best night for ever. I have faith that she will be OK and me as well.
We have both had other people getting in our ears about what we should do but have agreed to do what we feel is best for our kids. We still trust each other and this is huge. No matter what the outside world throws at us we will do whats right.
W sees this as temporary , I see it as the way things will be so I guess there is hope for us. We sat together talking and holding hands for hours , I told W that I did not want our old R ever, We talked about the changes and she has taken the 5LL book to read, she has noticed the better R I have had with the kids. I have a cautious hope now .
Dave-- I will be thinking of you today... I know how hard it must have been to talk with the kids, but especially the boys must have a sense of relief to have it out in the open. With her seeing it as temporary, and your VERY healthy view of it--both good things. I know that you and the kids will be fine through the journey.
I agree with Donna. I think that you will both be the better for the this and that, in time, things will work out for your R and you will have a healthier one. You both have a mindset that will allow this to happen.
We moved W to her new place today , not the easiest thing I have ever had to do. The Kids are still in shock and the 2 younder ones went with us to Mums new place. They are there now spending some time with her. W told me last night that she needs space to get herself sorted out. We talked about all sorts of things , and yes she has noticed changes in me and I didnt get the too little to late speech. She talked about the ADD stuff and told me what she read described me perfectly and how it had hurt her over the years because she saw my inattention as not caring. She asked ( as I said) what if I want to come home? I thought about my answer and that silence upset her , that I did not reply with an instant yes. I just said the door is still a little open. We spent the night in the same bed ( nothing happened but no body pillow this time ). When we moved her to her new place , I had to come home and get some stuff and when I went back I knocked on her door. W said " you should have just come straight in " I said " its your place and I should knock" W said "you are welcome here at any time and you dont need to knock." I think I will still knock. The younger two are staying with her for dinner, she invited me to stay as well , I declined . W said " but you will be on your own" I just said " I have to get used to that" I got a big hug and a kiss when I left.
I can tell you all one thing and that is our R is already much better , the stress has gone. This seperation will be good for us no matter how things go long term.
A very tough day for you & family. I feel for you all.
I also have to say that you have handled it so well that I see see a lot of positive coming from this. You keep up w/this attitude & detachment & she's going to be wanting to connect again it's my guess.
In fact, I can't think of anything you could have changed to make it better, other than it not have happened. As you say though, your R will likely come out better for it.
Definitely a rough day Dave, but I think you know that this is what was needed to help sort things out and help to bring you both back to a better R in the future. W is willing, so keep doing what you're doing and keep that door opened just a hair.
