789, this is the old court date to drop the PO, it's the end of the 90 days. I haven't gotten any new papers, but they're coming now, no doubt. She'll win.
There was no commitment to come back to counseling on her part. The counselor said I was too direct and too aggressive. Not sure how that could be since I said all of 10 words, but I have to take his opinion seriously. He said I was reaching out to her too much. My problem is, I don't know if I'll ever see her again so I reach a little. I didn't have the chance to do 1/10th of what i wanted to. Anyway, if we were coming back regularly, I'd be like, OK it's a process, but the process is non-existent.
It's OK, she has made up her mind and I respect that. I don't want it and she's not taking into consideration the value that still remains in our family, nor is she taking S4's life into consideration, but anything I say she sees as me trying to manipulate the situation. So, no matter how sincere, or truthful, or considerate, or meaningful the things were that I said, they went in one ear and out the other. I could see it in her eyes, there was no breaking down the barrier this time.
This is going to be a Loooooooong 4 weeks.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
That was your first session, how many times has the counselor met either one of you. Take his opinion seriously, but remember it is only an opinion. Just because she has not committed to going back for the next appointment does not mean she won't. Don't hang your hat and give up yet.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
That was your first session, how many times has the counselor met either one of you. Take his opinion seriously, but remember it is only an opinion. Just because she has not committed to going back for the next appointment does not mean she won't. Don't hang your hat and give up yet.
I've been to him quite a few times, he's really good with me. I don't know why she went, she talked about what a rotten person I was to her, so maybe she just wanted one more person to vent to?
I realize she COULD come back, but with her, "Maybe" has meant "NO" every time so far.
I'm not giving up as it were, but I'm letting her win. She has felt that her opinion never mattered, that her intelligence was insulted by me never listening to her, that I never realized everything she had to offer. She feels that anything I'm trying to do now is for ME to WIN. Not US, ME! I thought WE could WIN together (that's really the only way with potential divorce) but that's not happening in her mind. In her mind, and she said this, SHE WINS with a divorce. She sees this as her chance to make her opinion heard and realized in action.
I only want her to be happy, not just happy with me, but HAPPY. If this will make her happy, I'm going to give it to her. We'll see if she speeds things up, but it's Ok if she does. She needs to get her way, she needs to build her self-esteem, she needs to feel in control of her life, and this is how she's going to do it. It's a good thing for her, somehow. 11 years of putting up with this, and now being able to be rid of it? That's not going away. She even mentioned she should have left a long time ago but didn't. She has been miserable for years and stuck it out. That's admirable and I can't expect her to keep trying. Regardless of my changes, she can only go by what she knows, and that is what she's doing. She feels righteous and vindicated, and well, she probably should.
I thanked her for helping me realize my shortcomings, and she said she just wanted me to be the best father I could be for our son. That's it.
I don't go back to the therapist for two weeks, and he said he's not going to contact her until after that, but I'm not even holding my breath for that. I'm just going to attend my sessions and work on me, and keep working on doing my very best all the time - and being a man about it. And if I fall short sometimes, asking for forgiveness and apologizing straight away instead of waiting 11 years for my wife to divorce me before I wake up to my failings. That's a pretty good goal.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
You will do fine JR. I can't say that I understand the "divorce I win, stay together you win attitude" it involves more than the two of you. But you cannot convince someone to change their beliefs, hopefully she can change them on her own.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
JR, you are definitely an inspiration here. I really wish i could stay as upbeat as you are here. I really think you are doing quite well, better than you think. I really dont think you should throw in the towel......
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
Well you have a good attitude about it all. Wish I could get there with my sitch.
Oh, I'm miserable. I want my family together. My son wants the family together. My wife has other ideas. I cannot control her, she has made up her mind.
I would love to be able to do something about it, but I know I can't. I've now banged my head against the same wall three times, with no cracks. There were cracks but apparently I imagined them. She told me at the therapist yesterday that she had NOT said things that she most certainly had in previous meetings. SO, I guess I should know better than to believe what she says at this point, right?
The real shame in all this is that she won't get to benefit from the changes I've made, that she really made possible. That's like building your dream house and never living in it. That will be the hardest thing to get over. I have to go share these great new things I've learned with some other woman. I really feel bad for the regret my W is going to feel, it just doesn't have to be this way. We're all going to lose and lose BIG TIME.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
I know it sucks. We all get these great insights into who we were and go about changing only to have your S go um no. I'm thinking I'm seeing some cracks. Afraid to be to hopeful though. It's easy to remember not to believe what they say when it's negative it's when it's positive it's hard to remember. Least for me.
Yeah I sit here and think I've had all these insights about me but if he won't give me a chance what's the point? I know I'm bettering myself but geesh. I can't even think about starting over with someone else. At this point have absolutely no desire to even try if I end up D.
It would be nice if our S's really understood no one is going to benefit from a D. Just not sure how to send that message.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
It would be nice if our S's really understood no one is going to benefit from a D. Just not sure how to send that message.
It doesn't matter if YOU send it, it won't be believed. I don't think she believes a word I say anymore and she doesn't want to SEE the changes, despite my sincerity. It went so long with me saying i'd do something and then didn't do it that she can't make herself believe a word I say. Unfortunately for me, I allowed a lot of anger and bitterness build up in my wife. So now, all she has are people telling her how strong she is for leaving me, how much better off she'll be, how well she's doing, etc. How do I compete with that? Well, I'll keep trying until she wants me to give up and then I get to go find an apartment!
Why is it the men always end up in the apartments?
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
