But seriously, I know I can't talk to others like that, but I'd honestly prefer that they talk to me that way.
Oh. Okay. Then get your head out of your AZZ and listen, instead of throwing that deflective engineering bu!!sh!t at me when I make a valid point. Science may not allow for personal bias... but human beings DO... and in the world of human beings, not only is personal bias VALID, to be able to consider another's POV may actually get your sorry AZZ out of that Center of the Universe chair you are so firmly planted in.
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Covering up unpleasantness with flowery words is just another form of deception.
There is an entire profession, called market research, that would completely disagree with you.
In other circles, it's called effective communication. Cac, which would you be more willing to respond to:
"Cac, get your sorry azz off that couch and take out the fcking garbage. NOW!"
OR
"Cac, could you please take out the trash for me? It's overflowing and I need some help."
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anyway... back to what Cemar said, that got me started (again)...
"women only like men that will dump them"
"women are attracted to men who uphold the "IWNLIASM" boundary"
Okay. Barring the discussion on whether those two sentences are synonymous, why do you think this might actually be the case?
Let's put it in another context. Say one of your employees is acting up at work. You like this employee, you went to great lengths to get him... the first few years he was as brilliant as you thought he'd be. Now all of a sudden, he has become a problem employee. If you don't deal with the problem immediately and concisely, what happens? He loses respect for you, and now the problem is far worse. Any time you bring up the issue(s), he looks at you and says... 'what... you're going to fire me? Yeah, right. I'll sue your azz off if you try that.'
Now you aren't such an effective boss, are you? And really, who's fault is it?
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I just have a hard time accepting that folks in these groups are doomed to live in misery, having no other recourse.
Well, like I've said... you (proverbial 'you') must not have a whole lot of respect for your wife if you think she is any less willing to hold together your marriage than you are.
Yet, you never play that card (for you, cac: I'm dumping your sorry azz) because this is the exact thing that you fear... she's going to LET YOU do it.
Which AGAIN, brings up back to the REAL issue... LACK OF RESPECT and effective communication/problem solving.
And in my book, you can't solve a problem that you can't even identify. CeMar STILL thinks his problem is that he can't get the desire he wants from his wife, for god sake's.
But until you DRAW THE BOUNDARY that demands the respect of giving you their full attention...
Cac, if it makes you feel better calling it a threat... then call it a threat. But if your wife doesn't respect you, and all you can do is sit and whine about it, explain to ME why I should see you in any other light than a sorry azz loser? Who I'm staying with because I said I'd be in it for the long haul.
I really am curious about this... seriously. What is the threat that you see in what I wrote to my bf:
I spent most of the car ride home today thinking very seriously about this, and I've come to a conclusion. I need to cut golf out of our relationship.
I suppose I take the game way too seriously, and because of that, I cannot seem to get around the stress and the angst that seems to consistently appear when we play together. I love golf, but I love you more, so I'm picking you over it.
To me, the subtle but important difference between a boundary and a threat is... a boundary establishes and communicates respect for self. A threat communicates disrespect and disdain for other... even though the end result (end of the R) may end up being the same.
I know this is all about respect. But how does a person establish boundries that do NOT violate their marriage vows? And would a women truly repsect a man that WOULD violate his marriage vows?
There are all kinds of things you could do and not divorce this woman. Her life is going exactly as you've allowed it to go. And she is REALLY, REALLY comfy and happy with it.
There are all kinds of ways you could make that comfy and happy life she's carved out for herself not so comfy and happy, and not divorce her. And you can do it in a firm but loving way, too.
CE Once you're no longer afraid of your marriage ending, even if you don't desire it, you gain a lot more freedom to act within the marriage.
Crazy Eddie. This state is what I had to get to before much changed. I say changed. Some things got better. Some things became worse. I can't say the R improved a great deal over all, but I did gain some sense of control I didn't have prior to the idea of the M ending.
Oh yeah, and don't forget to boost your confidence by getting a life, aiming at and reaching goals, and so forth, which makes you more attractive and boosts your chances at getting laid. Eliminating any unattractive mindsets or habits helps too. Gaining come confidence in other areas of my life was part of the step toward being somewhat OK if the M ends.
CeMar acting/feeling trapped, feeling you cant establish boundaries just keeps you in a bad place.
Change one thing in your R with your W. Maybe in 3 months to 3 years something will change.
Three years ago BB was a shopping addict. I said I didn't want to live with a shopping addict and I wouldn't. It took almost two years for her to get her shopping addiction within some boundaries that I can live with.
Two+ years ago I did the food take away thing when she complained about my cooking. Now she eats what I cook or just says no thank you.
About a year ago when she made her list of complaints about eating out, I said I was going to eat out by my self. Now after one veto she has to come up with a place to eat that I like.
Other things happened. Some improved, some got worse. The last was she wanted a new house, I said fine she could live there w/o me.
Is the sex/intimacy better? Not really at this point in time. All I know is not doing anything was killing the R and me.
Now I don't feel like that and I think I see more respect coming from BB. It could be she has some other thoughts in mind.
Tell me how your finances are set up. She works, yes? Do both your paychecks go into the same account, and you pay for things out of that? I'm not asking how much you or she makes... but who pays for what, and where stuff goes. Do you have joint credit cards, or do you each have your own, and pay your own?
Is she responsible with her saving/spending, or does she pretty much do what she wants, when she wants? Who foots the bill for that?
How is the division of labor in your house set up?
Please answer. It will help very much to know this.
We make basically the same amount. In terms of the bills, we BOTH are contributing equally. She pays a whole bunch of bills and I pay a buch of bills. She does NOT really do whatever she wants, we both seem committed to paying off the bills of the FAMILY. In terms of the housework, she does more then me, but I do as much as I can (or am allowed). I should cook more. Remember, I have tried the worlds greatest Dad and husband approach before (it does NOT win desire). Soemtimes I think that she intentionally makes SURE that I can not do some of the chores around the house, as that might make her feel OBLIGATED to me in some way.
