Em..hang in. I'm burnt also (see my last post). I'm all over the place...even contemplating putting an end date on this myself. So, don't feel alone...only difference is my W drags this out. They say that often...the LBS becomes the WAS. It may be getting close for me.
Our S's bring this stuff up because they must maintain a reason for doing this to us or the guilt would be too great. Sure...we failed in some areas...but they hold onto it and magnify it for justification. Heck...14 months later and my W is still angry and bringing up old stuff. I don't think it's ever going to go away.
There really isn't anything to do but stay strong..stay the course...and, of course, read MinM's advice..keep things legal. Dad's are never going to get a fair shake for the present. Think about me..I have two initial's after my name....they are going to RAPE me when my M goes to D. And...don't go back to the doc thing. Trust me.....it won't last for her. She may not regret this for a few years, but, it'll happen but you will have moved on.
A long time ago, I had a serious GF who suddenly dumped me and split. She got married. 2 years later, she showed up at my W's salon and started 'harassing' my W (looks, comments, etc) while we were engaged. It was clear, in retrospect, that she was seeing who was going to fill the spot she gave up. I heard she got divorced since then. Key: when a relationship begins dishonestly or with an A....the trust will never be the same and most likely it will not last. Don't focus your attention on it now. If I had a choice, I'd stick with focusing on the kids.
I see so much similarity here....hang in Em. I'm behind you too. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
This is where having a good lawyer makes a difference. I would argue that your bonus should not be included in CS. Also, obviously, you should argue that her income should be "imputed" for a 40-hour week. If she is agreeing to joint custody (50/50) then she has no reason to maintain part-time status. She doesn't have to contribute equal money, just equal effort.
In my case, X's L argued that my bonus be included, and the Friend-of-the-Court evaluator agreed, but she also imputed my X's wage at 40 hours. In the end it didn't make a big difference, so I didn't fight it.
If you are looking for delaying tactics, obviously coming to an agreement about CS is one of them. And in fact, remember that you don't actually have to come to an agreement about this, or anything. That's what the courts are for.
Mike, Thanks again.....I really cannot afford to pay her CS right now with my bonus as part of my weekly income. I can understand why she wants it factored in, my bonus is 50% of what she will make in a year. I hate this.......
Yesterday, I received a little feedback from my W's meeting on Tuesday with a couple from our church. I really am not to encouraged by what I heard. I was told that my W is just wanting someone to talk to, interesting so do I. I guess they described my W as a closed flower that does not know how to reopen and that it is up to me to show her how much I love her and get her to open up.... This advice seems to be anti-DBing....
I have decided that I am going to ask my W to go to the Colorado M intensive with me. This is what I am thinking of saying:"XXXX, I know that you feel there is not any hope for us and you do not have energy left in you to try. I respect your point of view and stance. For me I need to know that we have done everything that we could to try and save our M and Family. Art and Bob both have mentioned in the past about sending us to Colorado for a M intensive. I would like for us to give it a try. I figure it will either give us a push in the right direction or let us know that this is the end of M and it cannot be saved at this time." If she says no, I will just say "Ok, if you change your mind, the offer is still out there". The worst she can do is tell me No, we are already getting D.
Tonight after work I am bringing my girls camping again. My friend and his daughter are going with, it should be a blast.....
The worst she can do is tell me No, we are already getting D.
You're right. I don't think that it is a bad idea to ask. You don't have anything to lose. She might even take you up on it. My guess if she agrees, she would only agree to make herself feel better (then she can say that she tried to save her marriage too, you know the real truth). However, if she actually goes, she may have a change of heart. I would assume that these retreats could be fairly moving.
Enjoy your weekend camping.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I had a blast this weekend with my girls and friend. Camping, water park, friends, great weather; I could not ask for much more then this..... accept maybe my W committing back to our M.
I had some great conversations with my friend around the camp fire both nights. I asked him to be as brutally honest with me as possible and he was... I really appreciated his thoughts/feelings about me. One of the things that my W has been saying a lot about me is that I always think that I am right.... My friend confirmed to me this was how I came/come across. I always had an answer or oppinion about anything and everything....I must have really sucked to have been around. He could have just been nice, but he did say that he has seen a huge change in me in this area. It actually became a running joke between the two of us the rest of the weekend that I was always right and he was all knowing. I do believe that I was one who did not listen very well or I would do what I call selective listening(hearing the parts that you want to hear.) I would always be one to offer suggestions, mostly when they were not asked for.... I need(ed) to learn to keep my mouth shut....Like my friend said some of the best things said are not said at all.... It sucked to hear but I really appreciated his honesty with me.....
Well tonight I had a conversation with my W and I did ask her to go to the Colorado M intesive counseling with me. She said "No. especially knowing what you are still up to". I asked her what I was upto and she told me that I was still talking to the OMW and BTW your video is in". I guess this lady called my W at work and told her not to be threatened that she is talking with me. OMW mentioned some of the things that I have been doing to prove to my W that she is in deed talking with me..... WTH.... I am getting screwed for being nice to this lady..... This was her last justification for not doing anything to work on us.... She said again that she was miserable for years which caused me to stop living life and that is when she saw the biggest change in me. She is at peace and can see how great I am doing not dealing with her crap.... This whole conversation actually started on Friday before I left to go camping.... My W heard my side of a conversation with our pastor. I was talking to him to find some familes in our church that would be willing to help me take care of my girls. This way I can comeup with my proposed parenting plan. She then told me she could not believe that I would go to the church, I thought we were keeping this between the two of us... She kept asking me questions and I eventually told her enough.....I stay out of your business, stay out if mine.. Why in the world are you doing this to me before I go away with the girls for the weekend......I then end the conversation and packed up my SUV. She did applogize to me before we left. She then called me while I was on the road, I ended the conversation asking her not to say anything and I would hang up after I said what I had to say...I then said ILU and hung up the phone...
I honestly thought I might have had a chance at her going to Colorado with me, but not now with the OMW calling my W and telling her that I am talking with her and telling my W that I am asking for the PI video... WTH...I was just trying to be nice to this lady...I should have listened to you all and not answered her phone calls.
My marriage is truely hopeless......
Take care....Staying as strong as I possibly can, Scott
Let the OM GO. I know how hard it is. I have my W OM phone number memorized. I can call him (or his W) anytime. But If I do I am back to square one. Why Why WHy do you talk to the OM wife. Resist. Like I said I too want to talk to him sooooo bad. But That is going to have to wait.That is my Nuke. That is going to be my parting shot if I ever get to that point. but right now ys need to build a bridge between you and the W. It is not too late. It is really never too late. As long as this is what you want. Suck it up, take a breath and keep improving.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Pretty pathetic, I say. The OMW making everyone miserable just b/c she is. You just keep working on you and your W will see that.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
In ERC's defense, guys, I believe he was trying to stay away from OMW until his lawyer advised him that he needed her story, deposition, whatever. I didn't remember about there being a PI tape, but I'm sure the lawyer wanted to be thorough.
ERC,
OMW's phone call, the tape, etc, are all just excuses for her not to go. Certainly, it made for a convenient excuse but why did W not bring it up until you mentioned the retreat? The key word here is "especially." The answer was already no.
Think about it logically. The tape and any other info from OMW only makes a difference to your divorce, not to your marriage. Tell her the truth--that your lawyer told you to do this, and in a lawsuit you take your lawyer's advise. Your W is mad because you are not letting her have her way. But giving her what she wants will not keep her with you.
Mike is right I was not the one calling her. Though I did twice that I can recall: once to confirm a story(when I found the love letters), and then the day I retained my L because she wanted the tape and PI report. My W does not believe that this is the case, she thinks that I am talking to OMW all of the time, but I cannot make her see my point of view.
STBXW called a little while ago to make sure I was coming home early today, she has IC tonight and needs to leave the house by X time. We ended up getting a D conversation. She is frustrated because I am dragging my feet and I need to lay myself aside and do what is best for our girls. Obviously doing what is best for our girls is doing what my W wants. She as their mother knows what is best for them....Like getting D and making them live in two separate homes.....
I need a break from this madness.....this D is all my fault according to my W....Oh I did screw up I think....I told her that we where 50/50 to blame getting our M to a point that the A could happen, she just drove the stake through that killed it. She did not like hearing that, she told me that by saying her actions are what killed our M it took away any of the blame that I claimed saying 50/50. She is right that is how it sounds and how I see it. Is that or was that wrong?
