Oy, well I almost chickened out but finally mentioned it after a very nice dinner on Friday. He said that he honestly had not realized it was coming up but figured that had something to do with my weird attitude(?). Anyway...long story short H said he was planning on us living together again eventually and when I mentioned my lease was up at the end of July he said "we will have to work on that then." I know, I know... that was super vague but I did not push the issue so I am holding tight.
No major pull back from H since (which I had expected) so if we have not had any solid "moving back in" chat, I will just look for my own place and keep working on my M. Honestly it feels like a rush back in because of a lease and I don't want it to be rushed or forced. I feel TONS better now that it is just out and on the table! The actual yea or nay from H is just details. As I see it, H is seeing an "us" in his future and I can't push this timeframe on him just for my comfort.
Thanks for asking and I will just keep up my PMA and focusing on school in the meantime
oh well!! it's out at least. Any way to pay month by month? sometimes there is that option. And I agree w/you 100% , neither of you should be rushed to that desicion.
Do have your back-up plan and keep looking for a place, cover all your bases.
Good luck in school! dont' let your nerves get the best of you, keep up the PMA and try to do some running or something else to let it out.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey Cat...no deal on the month to month, it is a house where I rent out a room. My roommate cannot stay on without me and we need to sign another lease or go on at the end of July. It is for the best that I get my own place or move home because I don't like how far away from everything it is, nor do I like sharing a home with a stranger...
You are right, now it is out and we can go from there. Having it be this huge elephant in the room was stressful!!! Currently, I am scoping out apartments for myself as my backup and houses to rent for H and I just in case he brings that up. Keep me in your thoughts and any words of wisdom or advice are always appreciated
Thanks Cat, that means a lot. H seems to be acting a little weird the past couple of days (?). My mind keeps thinking back to a friend on here who said his W did the same thing and a week or two later they were talking reconciliation. I know there are no maps or blueprints for any of us to follow (darn it) but I hope H is distancing so he can be more comfortable with me moving back in...maybe I am kidding myself but positive thinking has gotten me through these most difficult months of my life so I can't abandon what has been working
Today I am going to get a new lock for our garage and begin packing some boxes to put in there. That way most of my stuff is centrally located and a move to where ever I end up will be a little bit easier! Actually I have very little since I only took some books, my clothes and some pictures. It will be the big stuff that will stress me out in a couple weeks (bookcase and futon).
Anyway, I have to keep reminding myself that if I do move into my own place, that doesn't mean it is over or that the positive changes have to stop. However, that is really difficult to do with each day that passes and it gets closer to the end of July...
I'm with Cat on planning to continue living on your own. If something comes out of everything else it's all good, but if your H feels a deadline, he might react negatively. Plus, I've seen several threads here with people who rushed back into living together only to have it blow apart again because the stress was too great. I think folks sometimes think it will be easier to work on the underlying problems if you're together when, in reality, I think the underlying problems have to be resolved first before being together will work.
I with I could join the Piecing... group with you, but I'm headed to the "After Divorce" group instead. Things sound OK (if not good) for you. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
OF, thank you for commenting. I rarely get on here but I think it helps to come back here and there to update and get updated. What you said about living together prematurely really makes me think because I do feel we need to live together to iron out some things. Here's my thought process:
H and I were talking in the car after getting back from a movie on Sunday. After some conversation H admitted his major reluctance in my moving home is that he is afraid the changes are not permanent. After explaining that I am happy with my changes and plan on making sure they stick around he seemed more at ease but still was not totally sure. Living together and proving the changes are for real and permanent seems to be the only thing left to do. We agreed to give it a rest for the evening and chat more about it on Wednesday after going to a friend's BBQ and watching fireworks.
Now...after hearing this and H say he wanted our M to work , I don't think I will be too upset if H wants more time to be alone. To be completely honest, this is my timeline because I am choosing to move from the room I rent. It was my decision because I am not happy there (distance from work/friends, roommate, etc) and making H decide on our future because of that is a type of controlling. I think I would actually be relieved to hear him say he is NOT ready as that will give me a chance to be fine with it and reiterate that I have changed!
SO SORRY to hear about where your sitch! It will take some hunting but I will find you thread somewhere on here. You are in my thoughts and I appreciate your taking the time to come here and comment on my thread.
You can find my thread in the "Divorced, but not done" group under the title "The fat lady is warming up...2".
I hear what you're saying, but I remain unconvinced. Of course, each situation and the people involved are unique so, as they say, your mileage may vary. However, I know of two or three people here (I wish I could remember which threads they were) who were full-tilt to moving back in when the WAS flipped out and everything fell apart. That doesn't mean it's over for them, but I'm sure you can understand they were devastated by the turn of events and I think they'd agree it was a significant setback.
It's also worth noting that when you go back to living together, keeping on the right track (at least on your end) will be more difficult as well. Still, your situation may, indeed, be unique. We can all offer advice, but at the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right. There's no OW, right? That is to your favor. Very hard to successfully get back together with someone else waiting in the wings (so to speak).
A good book that might help is "Getting Back Together," It's all about separation and easing back into... well... getting back together. I really like this book because it helped me realize how healing and healthy separation can be. I do think it's important to wait until he's ready. If not you risk another future separation and you start yo-yoing (I've been there and done that!!! And would prefer never to do that again!!!).
Anyhow, good luck to you. I think staying apart, but staying friends and perhaps dating can sometimes be a really healthy way to build back up.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
OF and Running this is such a weird sitch because H talks about our future all of the time but getting from our present to our future feels light years away. All I keep thinking is that I am going to have to spend the holidays separated, AGAIN...that sucks and if H sees an "us" then why is it so difficult to get from here to there? We both know that the other is terrified but we also both know the other wants our M to work. My big hurdle right now is to lay off of the pressure but July seems to be slipping away so quickly.
My GBT book has been MIA for a month or so now . I have been looking everywhere for it and cannot find it! It was what got me pretty much through the first few months of 2007. Where DB/DR are down on separation, that book gave me great hope and let me feel ok about being separated. It will be difficult to be living together again but I see it being that way no matter if we do it in August, September, October, etc...
There is great progress in my sitch and then nada, that is so tough sometimes and I understand that is just a fact of life but the hurt can be so overwhelming. We were supposed to chat after fireworks last night but H was tired and just wanted to head home so I did not even mention it. We had taken separate cars to the BBQ so the evening ended with a quick goodbye. It was the first time I have had a raging, screaming, crying fit all the way back to where I stay since this all began. We chatted for about an hour when I called to let him know I got back ok (he asked me to do that) but it was just talk about the Army and regular things.
There is no OW that I know of but I have kept my mind open to that possiblity. H has been dead set that there was/is not one. There had been some clues that there may be a little too much contact with a couple females at weird hours just before we separated but H said they were just friends and there has been nothing since but I keep my guard up just in case. Right now H's PTSD, anger, and desire to go back into the military are on his list of important issues...our M seems to fall very low on that list but I think it has now at least made the list.
. I have been looking everywhere for it and cannot find it! It was what got me pretty much through the first few months of 2007. Where DB/DR are down on separation, that book gave me great hope and let me feel ok about being separated. It will be difficult to be living together again but I see it being that way no matter if we do it in August, September, October, etc...