Scott - What is the goal of the D counseling? To help you communicate like adults throught the D?? If it's not helpful to you and you feel like you are hurt by it, don't go. I guess the way I see it - it's your w's c's job to believe what her client tells her. If she is not a Christian Counselor then she has no basis for saying anything faith-based.. just a bunch of words to support her client's decision. That's what my H is currently going through with his C... She is "helping" him go through and thoughts/feelings in order to make a "wise" decision. It's what they're paying them for I guess..
I think you are justified in deciding not to see your W's C anymore. What came to my mind is maybe this would be another avenue to sit down & discuss things w/ your W. Sit her down and tell her WHY you don't want to go anymore and tell her you "understand" that she felt you were abusive/neglectful or whatever the words were, however, you don't necessarily see things the same way and are trying to show her (Wife) that you are willing to make changes and make your M a better one for not just her, but for you and your entire family.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I agree Em. I would be very open with her. I would talk with her and simply state that you wish to proceed with MC but you feel that the counselor does not seem to be 'impartial'. The decision for D should be between the two of you....and..the IC can make recommendations on how to improve the R...but the objective should be to help the 2 of you, not favor one spouse over the other.
Would your W agree to this? Would this be a way to offer her another strategy? If it looks interesting, I highly recommend that you call them. I tried with my W who wanted no part of it..but..she called the woman involved...at least something.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'll chime in with the crowd here. No need to continue going to W's IC sessions with her. Because that is all it is.
I think I posted here that when we started MC with my W's IC, the counselor had one session alone with me, to get my side of the story before continuing. Even so, she was clearly on my W's side. And I was willing to continue despite W saying it was "pointless." BUT all of this was 6 months before she filed, not after.
That said, if W agrees to the marriage retreat, it might be worth sticking with the counseling until that is done. Good luck with that--I know its a long shot and don't get your hopes up, but you never know.
Mike, FIB, the M retreat is a longshot. She wants nothing to do with staying M to me. I actually over heard her talking to our neighbor last night she told her that 8 weeks ago she might have tried MC now it is to late for that and we just need to make this as easy on the girls as possible... That was all I heard, but they talked for a while and when my W left for work our friend said to me that it seems my W is trying to convince herself that what she is doing is alright. I agree, I have seen this for sometime now.
Today, we got up and went to the movies as a family, atleast we looked like a family. Now my W is at work, d5 is next door playing, and D2 is taking her napp. I might go to my Aunts house tonight, but I really am debating on just hanging out at our house. We had along day yesterday so a low key day is probabably needed.
I need a break....My W before she left for work gave me her parenting plan and her proposed distribution of our houshold furnishings. She knows that mine is not done yet but thought that this might help me with ideas. Either way it sucks, she is not helping me she is freakin killing me. I also saw what her L is going to propose for CS from me. The way they have it worked out I would be paying over $1000 a month. I would definately have to sell my house if this is the case. This country is so freakin screwed up.... not only are you able to be an infidel but the goverment gives you a pat on the back for it. "Good job destroying your family...here let us help you take your kids away from their dad ....how much do you need to get by on?"
I really need a break, I see my W on a daily basis and at times have somewhat normal interactions with her. Then it goes rightback to the D. I really am thinking about moving out myself until this is done, just to get myself away from the emotional swing. I am abusing myself living with her like this. I know it is all about my girls. I am just worn out. I for the most part have come to grips that my M is done...now trying to sort through this mess is just as bad as dealing with the A. Maybe I am just having a bad day...I am tired. I am tired of not having my W to talk to.....really talk to... I am tired of sleeping alone on the couch... I am tired of always having to be on guard... I am tired of having to answer my D's questions....I am tired of being blamed for this sitch..... I am tired of being dragged through the mud so my W can justify this D. Just be honest and say Scott you where a good H, you just did not meet my needs like DOC does I need to move on.. Hell that is easier to hear then being told that I am abusive and neglectful. If it where true I could deal with it, but when it is a gross exageration of the truth I cannot stomach it anylonger. My W is the queen at finding something negative about me from everyday events. I believe these are normal WAW actions, I am just worn down by them.....
Sorry to hear you are having a rough day. Your wife is going to wake up some day and realize that she destroyed her family and left a great man. She is being very selfish. It sucks that we are the ones that have taken the high road and put everyone else's feelings in front of our own only to get dumped on over and over. Life is definately not fai, but you just have to keep believing that God will take care of you, and your girls will see what a great dad you are.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
As for W's version of CS, well that is just their opening position. Obviously you will not be paying that much, but it will be good for a laugh with your lawyer. (Unless that is your contribution to the total--was her contribution listed as well?) You need to ask your L if there is a formula that is used in your state, and what the parameters are.
As to the household furnishings, I'd take a "whatever" attitude. In my case it was odd that XW insisted I take our master bedroom set. Particularly since when I moved out, it was into a small apt for a "trial" separation. Later I realized that when we bought it, it was one of the few times I took her up on her offer to find something "we both liked." In other words, not what she would want for herself.
The other thing that was different, in the two months before I moved out she would not sleep in our bedroom, no matter how much I offered to sleep on the couch or fix up a bed in the den. In your case, since she is the one who wants this divorce, why are you the one sleeping on the couch?? If nothing else, can't it be her turn for a while? 50/50, right?
Mike, Yes there is an online calculator that the state provides that helps you figure out what CS is supposed to be. The numbers that they used include my bonus in my weekly gross income and figure her to be working only part time. Using those numbers what she is proposing adds up. I guess the fight is going to be what numbers are going to be used for our weekly gross income. Is she allowed to put her income in like she is working part time, and do we include my bonus which is not guaranteed every year.
I hate this.....I did not sign-up for this....For better or worse....this is definitely worse.
Just wanted to say hi, Sorry your sitch has come this far. Don't have any input to help ya out but I am reading your posts. I got your back buddy. You have my support and sympathy
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It's been a week and a half since I've had any contact with my H. His last question to me was "If I'm such a terrible guy why do you want anything to do with me?" I told him, "I made a promise for better or worse and you made the same promise".
Sounds like me and you were willing to work things out with our spouses through the worse, they are the ones that won't give us a second chance to see if we can get back to the better. It's a shame.
Last edited by hopeless11; 07/05/0703:20 PM.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
