Love, what is it, is it real, does it matter?

[toughlover]

tyler, LN...let me clarify something just in case you don't have the full picture of my sitch....

I do believe that if we have committed ourselves to our wives, we have an obligation to love them unconditionally. If you're a Christian, we even have to do that for our enemies.

That doesn't mean that we will always have real intimiate closeness...but I think that it DOES mean we have to be willing and open to the closeness...we just may not be able to expect it and certainly can't demand it...nor should we give it to someone who isn't going to protect it and cherish it.

One of the prime reasons we're doing so well right now really has a lot to do with my wife: she confessed to me, she repented, she committed herself to seeking God's will for her life and doing her best to have the best marriage w/me that we were capable of having; she also had compassion and sympathy for me and the position she put me in, and recognized that she did indeed "owe" me something (namely...transparency and honesty). But that was her decision. It was also her decision for a period of time (several weeks to a few months) be very specific about where she was or would be, and to keep me aware of her schedule changing.

In short, we enacted a "trust, but verify" agreement whereby she was willing to keep me updated and I was allowed to ask about her whereabouts and we'd talk if I became uneasy about something.

In the early days (first 3-4 months) this was important. Over time...even almost from the beginning, I really got to where I didn't want her to feel like she had to do that all the time...but I think we only got to that point because she was willing to do that to begin with.

In other words, it told me she was serious.

I guess what I mean to say is that I do think there's a difference between being a strong, loving spouse who chooses to remain committed and honor his/her spouse despite the other spouse's response, and a doormat who craves attention and whatever from his/her spouse who just doesn't seem to care.

I personally couldn't do that on the hope that my wife would really want me again someday. I could only do that by recognizing that, ultimately, my commitment to her was really just a part of my commitment to God and myself and my children.

Not knowing what would happen, that is what I decided to do. And it paid off for me very quickly after that because I learned how to be faithful and constant in the midst of a lot of darkness...about what the future would hold, about what my wife would do, all of it.

Paul writes in Ephesians that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and that wives must respect their husbands.

I believe that any husband and wife who commit themselves to that will succeed if they choose it every day. And I believe that for mature people who've known each other a long time, the emotions follow the decision as long as both are on board.

We just have a natural tendency to predict the future from the past, and that works to a degree. But when a husband and wife commit themselves to discovering a better relationship between them...by doing what's right and being what's right...there's no way to predict what will happen or how it will feel. At least, that's been my experience.

But I don't think it really happens until each spouse commits to doing what's right and being what's right and getting strong as an individual (because strong individuals, ultimately, aren't liars and cheaters). And that's the rub.

It takes two to make it the best it can possibly be, but we don't need anyone's help (aside, perhaphs, God's) to choose what's right no matter what.