Well I would go back to that a 3 year old should not make these decisions. If you two are apart, you two adults need to make what ever schedule you make. irregardless of daughter saying "I want mommy" or "I want daddy". She should be able to call when she wants but not go back and forth on a whim and your wife should not be encouraging this. She seems to be using her as a tool to fight you with, that is plain wrong.
That is the problem. D3 initially said she didn't want to spend the night when I picked her up because my W told her she was not going to. While watching fireworks, I asked her if she wanted to and she said, yeah. Then when we are heading home, she is tired, crabby and I told her that she is spending the night and she said she didn't want to. She fell asleep a minute later.
My W is very co-dependent on D3. Like I said, she always had her 24/7. There is nothing else for her to fight with. I am not arguing or begging for her to take me back. I would LOVE to be with her, but I know that pressure will push her away. She does use D3 a lot. I don't know how she is going to stop loving me, she sees me 5 times a week!
Also - no offense........but I think that you shouldn't have asked D if your W had already said she wasn't........
Don't put your D in the middle
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
She had already said D3 wasn't spending the night and the fact that you then turned around and asked her if she wanted to anyway is a move that will get you in more hot water than you can imagine.
Not only were you contradicting your wife and TEACHING D3 how to play you off one another but you straight-up disrespected your wife and I don't care how mad or disappointed you are in her, DON'T DO THAT in front of D3.
Dropped D3 off this morning at my W's office. The interaction went well. D3 called me shortly after leaving and I was surprised to hear from her. She called to remind me to buy some lemonade so that we can have a lemonade stand next time that she comes over (She saw this in a cartoon). My W was in the background helping her to ask for what she will need. W told her to make a sign and asked how much will we charge, etc. It was cute. My W was giggling in the background. This REALLY got my day off to a great start.
I responded to my W's e-mail about eating habits and visits. I agreed with everything and that issues is resolved now. W wrote back thanking me with a big smiley face. Not sure what to make of that.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
I went out for happy hour last night with some friends and had a Blast! When I am leaving, W texted me. Asking if I could pick up D3 at 5:00pm instead of 12:00pm. I wrote back and told my W that I have plans. My W then wrote back and said, okay, I'll get her on Sunday at noon. I wrote back stating that I have not seen D3 since Wednesday night and would like to bring her back home Sunday at 5:00pm. Also, wrote that this sucks that we have to this.
I feel like I am getting to the point of where I don't care any more. Sure, I would love to have her back, but she has to be WILLING to do something too. I have been having a really great time and this really helps with GAL.
I will pick up D3 today and we are off to Chuck E Cheese, then swimming, and having a lemondade stand when it cools off outside. D3 is excited about this. I will pick up D3 and leave quickly.
Good news! I am approved for the 2 bedroom apartment that I wanted, right in front of the playground! I can't wait to move in soon.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
I arrived to pick up D3 today. My W invites me inside and says that D3 doesn't want to leave right now. W asked if I could watch Strawberry Shortcake with D3. Straberry Shortcake is over and D3 starts crying saying that she doesn't want to go. My W said that they went to her mom's house and D3 was crying saying that she didn't want to go anywhere. W showed me a sign that she and D3 painted together for our lemonade stand. At this point, D3 is crying for 10 minutes and My W keeps looking at me. I finally said, we need to go. W asked if D3 will always be like this. I told her that she probably will because she doesn't want to go places, she prefers to be with both of us together. I then walk out to the car. My W is standing at the doorway looking like she is about to cry. I quickly say bye and leave.
I wonder what is going through my W's head. Doesn't she see how difficult this is on D3?
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Honestly, your daughter is started to sound like my son who cried every time I took him to Nursery School. They said he would sit at the window and cry "Mommy" for a long time. This same son developed school-phobia in elementary school and eventually dropped out of high school.
As an experienced Mom, I would say don't let a kid's tears change the plans. Children need to get over separation anxiety. The more you feed it the worse it gets.
As an experienced Mom, I would say don't let a kid's tears change the plans. Children need to get over separation anxiety. The more you feed it the worse it gets.
I do agree with you. That is why I just try to get in and get out. My W called and left a VM. "Hey babe, I missed your text, I want to see how long she cried for and how she is doing right now." I had to listen to the message 3 times. I was floored that she said, babe.
I called her back and told her that D3 cried all the way here (30 minutes) and was still fussy. I told her that she is doing good now. My said that she thinks D3 is crying when she doesn't get her way and she hopes that she will get over this. I told my W that D3 needs stability and this is hard on her to have to leave. I said that it doesn't matter how we label how she is acting, it is hard on D3. My W got all upset and said, good bye.
Whatever! I let it roll right off of my back. Reality is setting in and she doesn't like it. I can look in the mirror and look D3 in her eyes when she gets older and asks me what happened and tell her that I did EVERYTHING to save our marriage and I was the only one who tried. If my W stays on this crazy course.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Sorry I don't have a whole lot to comment on, but I will say that frank makes a good point (as usual) about the gettin in and out thing.
As far as the "babe" comment goes, that is very strange. She seems to give mixed messages a lot. I'd say keep doing what you're doing and let W initiate any R talk that revolves around working things out. IMO she still needs to come to grips with her stubbornness and be willing to give up a little pride if she wants to work things out with you or anyone in the future. She has to have a little humility, and I just don't see that in her.
I think that if you stay strong, upbeat, happy, confident, calm, cool, and collected (yep, all of 'em!), as well as continue to GAL and do your own thing, she will come around with a little humility if she truly doesn't want to lose you.
I decided to do 180s tonight. I had to try something new, what I am doing is not getting any progress. I had to rattle my W’s cage and take a risk. What do I have to lose?
I pick up D3 at W’s office. I am all dressed up in my suit and tie because I had to go to court for my job. (Looking nice and sexy, I might add)! I see D3, she is painting and we are happy to see each other. I pay my W no attention. I don’t say hello or anything. My W walks behind me and says hello, softly. I didn’t respond. I could barely hear her. D3 then shows me some of her recent paintings and I praise her. I then said, it is time to go and my W asks if I am okay. I said yes. I told her that I need more time to go over the papers. She told me to call her atty. I said no, you can do that, she represents you. W starts saying how friendly she is and she will work with me too. I told my W that is okay, she represents your best interests. W said that she is fine with me having more time (weird).
I then leave, D3 has a great time. I do another 180 and text my W before I am about to leave and state, “Lets meet half way”. My W texts asking if I already left, I responded no. W then calls all upset. D3 is supposed to be here at this time. I told my W that she is always home at another time. She is all upset. She starts yelling, etc. I hung on her. I am not going to allow her to continue to disrespect me. W calls me back and is still yelling, I hang up. I call her back and tell her that we need to talk civil and this is not acceptable. W is still all upset and said she is leaving and hung up the phone.
I am driving and ask my W to start acting civil for the sake of D3 for now on. W then calls and starts talking about 10 years or our relationship on how I messed up, etc. blah, blah. I tell my W that we went through Retrouvaille and she agreed to forgive me and leave the past in the past. Told my W that I did mess up and I can’t do anything about the past. I apologized and that is it. I won’t do it again. W tells me that I left them and she wanted to go to counseling and church and I wasn’t ready. I told my W that I wanted to come back a week later and she had refused that request. I told my W that is strange that last time she kicked me out and this time I leave and she is treating things differently.
I get there with my W and tell her that we need to talk for 5 minutes. She is refusing. I told my W that I have been friendly and she treats me like crap. I have given her whatever she wants. She starts crying about how I have treated her in the past and she is scared to be back in a relationship with me. I told her that we were doing so well with Retrouvaille, but she was always too tired to keep going. She said she agreed. I suggested counseling or a 3rd party. She said not right now. W is crying profusely about our relationship saying that it has been up and down for 10 years. I then said that I messed up, two wrongs don’t make a right. You are now choosing a D like it is going to solve the problem. My W said that this is an emotional decision. I thank her for her time and then I leave.
I get a text 5 minutes later from my W. “Life is emotion. People will forget what you say. People will forget what you do. People will always remember how you make them feel”.
How ironic, this doesn’t apply to my W. I didn’t tell her this or respond to this. ALL my W does is blame me for the past and remind me of what I did to hurt her. She lives in the past.
I get home and crack open a beer to unwind. W calls me. We talk for 30 minutes. Longest conversation since the day that I decided to leave! W tells me that D3 is saying strange things and I tell her some of the things that D3 is saying. W says that D3 keeps asking for me to spend the night and live with them. W starts crying and tells D3 that sometimes mommies and daddies are better off friends. W says that it is so hard to talk to D3 about this. W said that her friend’s kids don’t have dads around either. W said that right now she could not accept me back due to the past. W said that she was always hoping that with more love or age, I would be the ideal husband. I told my W that I was feeling depressed last time we got back together because I hit rock bottom, my cousin passed away and then she accepted me back after working my tail off. I also was always criticized by my W. My W then said that she doesn’t have any bad qualities. I said yes, you do, you are not perfect. Always bringing up the past and threatening D didn’t make me feel secure in our relationship. I told my W that I never thought she would file, I felt secure. Told my W that I wouldn’t file. I then said that Retrouvaille worked wonders for us and it would be awesome if she would try it again and then we’ll go from there. I then said that I know you want what you want and I am not going to pressure you. W didn’t comment. We then hung up, she thanked me.
My assessment: I really feel that my W is not completely done with me. It seemed to me that she still has feelings and she is reacting emotionally right now. Reality has not yet hit for her. She feels too safe and secure because she knows that she could have me back if she asked. She can make this all about her and keep blaming me for the problems. She is not willing to take any accountability. She does realize how difficult this is on D3, yet thinks she’ll get over it soon. She is obviously scared to try anything out of fear of being hurt again. She is seeing everything through negative lenses. All of the arguing earlier seemed to me like my W was trying to justify her position. I had to say something, I can’t keep being a doormat. I did feel good after our interactions because I knew that I was all in her head. She was thinking about me. She sends me a friendly text. Then she calls to talk for 30 minutes. IF she didn’t care, she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. She wouldn’t text me. I did fear that she would threaten time with D3 and I would have to take legal action. That didn’t happen. I am feeling optimistic. However, I realize that my W has issues that she is not willing to examine and this is a problem.
I would appreciate any feedback/guidance!
OneWish
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
