Since I posted last .. well, it seems like I've been through the mill, AND then some! It's been battle after battle for the past week or so. My husband is even proclaiming that he is tired of our arguments/very long unhappy discussions! (I'm sure that will not deter him on the next one, though. He is very persistent and needing the $$ that he does to go and drink ..is THE primary cause of all of our arguments.)
My H's appointment was rescheduled to that following Friday. (A couple of days after the cancellation.) Thank goodness, because I was becoming quite the wreck worrying about it. H responded just as I predicted he would. When I walked through the door of his psychiatrists waiting room, he saw me and just said "no!". He said there is no way that I was going to go in with him. That all I was going to do was cause trouble. In rehashing all of his rantings in that waiting room, I think he was most afraid that I would mention his suicide threats to his doc. Well, I did not bring it up to his doc at this appointment, but H's doc does know from my previous appointment with him. H's psychiatrist agreed with me that these threats are used as total manipulation .. trying to get me to do what he wants. His pyschiatrist was smart enough not to bring these "threats" up either.
Obviously (from paragraph above) I did make it into H's doc's office. H's doc finally walked out into the waiting room to get Ken, and Ken totally backed down and told me to come also. (???)
After the appointment, H even thanked me .. "for not causing trouble." (???) The only thing that happened (that would be considered different?) at H's appointment is that his psychiatrist told him that he would give him the Campral samples again. H made a promise that he would severely cut back on his drinking. He said that he would try to drink only on the weekends. (That would be equal to three nights.) He (we?) are supposed to return in a month to see how he is doing.
On my way home from this appointment (this was last Friday) I called H .. as I was feeling a bit stronger than usual. Well, H did not answer, so I left a voice mail. I "mentioned" to him that the check book account was at a point (right now) that I did not have money for "his" weekend. (That would mean his large amounts of drinking $$) This is where even more troubles began.
H was fine for Friday and Saturday night, from what I discovered, because he sold some copper wire, etc. (H is an electrician .. well, WHEN/IF he works ..) I found a check stub in his shop for $145 and I am guessing that is why his needing more $$ did not become an issue for him until Sunday night. Sunday night he was ready to head out the door to go to a biker function at a local bar and he said to me (as he has so many times before in the past three years) to "just give him a check."
I "reminded" him that I couldn't give him a check, but that I did have $20 cash in my purse. He totally flipped out. He told me that $20 was not enough and (again) that he could not live like this. He actually gathered up a bunch of pills and took them in front of me. He was totally in disbelief when that did not produce the response from me that he thought it would. (I did ascertain that what he took was mostly antibiotic pills and a few Ambien.) H drove off in his truck for a couple minutes, but returned. We ended up talking for about two hours .. of course just going round and round.
I told H all he had to do was go back to work. (Or get something temporary .. until his electrical business picks up.) I made suggestions of different work that I thought he could do. Remember, he (we) have not received any kind of "draw" from his company in over three years. My H was (it's gone now) using our refinance monies for his living and to pay our mortgage. I know that this is VERY bad financial planning, but in the process of getting these refi loans, H would always lament that he would be able to bring in money and we would not have to use it (as we did). He said that those monies would just be there for back-up, in case he did not bring in the full amount we would need for the mortgage payment. As always, I believed him. Of course, that's NOT how it worked. As mentioned above, H used it as his drinking/entertainment monies. (Of course, that's where our monthly mortgage payments came out of. UGH!)
Anyway .. back to the work I was suggesting. I told him that he needed to do "anything" to help us get financially stable once again. He said that if he did something "temporary" that it would totally "shut down" his side of his electrical business. I said to him that I (we) hadn't seen any $$ from his business in three years .. why would he worry about that now? He said that his business does support him in other ways (paying truck insurance, cell phone, gas, etc.) I have no idea what other "stuff" his business pays for him, but he apparently thinks that its enough for him not to try to get something to "hold him through" .. until his business picks up again ..? This has been a totally vicious circle! This is what all of our recent arguments stem around.
H, even in his own admittance, cannot stop drinking. (He told his pdoc that.) I call that an alcoholic. I have received numerous emails from people on other boards that truly think that my H's problem stems from the prescriptions his pdoc put him on three years ago. (coincides with H's drinking problems/and deciding he can't work.) These are people that have gone through the exact same thing!
I don't know if I should push my H hard to change psychiatrists or not. Do we wait out this month and I try to persuade his pdoc (at the end of this month) to try a change in medications? I don't know.
I am finding it very hard to "hang on". I'm not sure how much longer I am going to last in this mess. As my thread title says .. this truly IS killing me softly ..
This has been a totally vicious circle! This is what all of our recent arguments stem around. 