Love, what is it, is it real, does it matter?

[MaxP]

I was shocked at Retrouvaille when they told us "love is a decision." I thought, no way. But I have come to see that they are right. If you choose to love a person, the love will grow and you will feel the emotion.

Sara, this is what I have come to believe. I love my W more that at any stage of our 10 year R. Sometimes it completely blows me away that it is possible to feel this way after so long. It really is utterly amazing and brilliant - but it is a choice.

Very early on in our R I found something about my wife became a real problem for me and it almost ended things there and then. At the time and with my W's help we made a decision that I simply needed to get over it and leave it behind. It has never been a problem since. I think she is the most beautiful, elegant woman I have ever seen and I just don't want to be with anyone else. At least we have had that time together.

One issue or difference of opinion that I have with our current situation is that my W is trying to clear her mind to understand what she feels and wants. She does not feel an attraction to me, or at least feels that what she feels isn't what she should be feeling (if you get what I mean). So she is waiting for her feelings to tell her what is right. I, on the other hand, believe that you can act first to explore a feeling and then see if that feeling grows. You always have a choice and are able to influence your mood and feelings. You are not completely at their mercy (remind me of that when she leaves next week please!). But each to their own, she may genuinely start to miss me when she goes, or not. I just don't know. Perhaps this is a difference in the way attraction works between men and women?

I don't think that head in the clouds love feeling is a decision. I think that really is an emotion -- a passing emotion. And much as we would like to live our lives like that, we can't. Every day can't be our birthday either.

This is true - that feeling is biological and is necessary for us to be able to get together in the first place. I think it is called 'limerance'. There's a good description in Andrew Marshall's book (called ILYBANILWY). It's also a reason why so many R's fail and why affairs seem so exciting and 'better' than a long R. However, you cannot sustain that feeling beyond 1.5 - 3 years. It may come back briefly, particularly in times of crisis. So, I would say what we call 'love' really is something different to that, the trouble is that it is a poorly used term and that causes problems, particularly with our expectations of life.

I think if you go to Andrew Marshall's site there is part of the first chapter on-line ( Andrew Marshall http://www.andrewgmarshall.com). This discusses these stages of a R, and also other phases.

Max