Dont even know where to start. I feel as if my heart is hardening. I have been DBing pretty hard for 2 1/2 months now with basically zero results. Yeah once in awhile I do see what I think is a baby step, which is almost always followed by a bigger step back.
I do miss my wife, but what I miss is the good times. I feel more and more that she is truly not going to come back no matter what I do. I also at times feel like I do not want her to come back. I am making changes in me, good changes, positive changes......but it does not seem to matter....(to her). But for myself, I do feel better because of some of the things I do. The further I detach, which is probably good, the less I want my old marriage and all of its dysfunctionality. I am not throwing in the towel yet, I will remain patient. But part of my mind is beginning to agree with her assesment...."it's too late"
Financial frustrations are also beginning to take there toll. I am just squeeking by, and it seems like lately I have been getting hit with unexpected bills left and right. There is the Overtime option, but then I lose time with my child. I dont want to lose time with her. For several reasons. She helps me keep my sanity for the big one. I also believe that she actually is happier when she is with me.......she tells me this. Another big one being is if there is a custody fight on the horizon, I want to show I have been a good/responsible parent. I have been keeping fastidious records of all the time we have together, what we do. What she is fed. When I put her to bed........so on.
I have also come to the realization that perhaps I have become to dependant on these boards. I mean the support is nice. But this battle is mine. I sometimes feel as if I am looking for too much validation and support here. If that makes sense. My switch to the seperated board has yeilded me zero replys.... Which made me remember that this is my fight, not no one elses....
Today I called the parents of one of my girls classmates. Asked if perhaps the girls could get together and play sometime. They invited us to attend a parade with them. So we get in there car and the very first thing my darling daughter did was to anounce to her friend....."my mommy and daddy dont live in the same house anymore" I knew it would come up......I suppose this is definatly the biggest news in her life.
Me and daughter did talk for a bit today. She is doing ok. I made sure that she knows that I love her no matter what, she just smiled at me and says, "I know.....I love you too"
