It's good to hear from you. It sounds like a beautiful neighborhood, and very safe. For some reason, I thought that I had read that a lot of the old Plane trees were dying--or maybe I've got them mixed up with American elms? I like gardening, and I like the kinds of plants that grow in the NE (more Englishy kinds of flowers, like Saffie!).
Have you seen any improvements, however small, in your relationship with your wife? I don't know quite how long you've been going through this, but it's been about nine months of separation between me and my husband, and it was only two days ago that he actually offered an apology. It wasn't an apology about any of the affairs he's had. He apologized because he lost his temper with me during a discussion about the kids. I said, "You need to treat me with respect." He hung up. Called back, left a message apologizing.
Up until now, I've been DB'ing away like a Victorian Angel in the House, being very sweet, and very unlike myself. When he bullied me about the D, instead of making unpleasant remarks about OW's poems (bad Delia), I would get slightly weepy and leave the room (good, Victorian Delia).
I stand up to him a tiny bit and he crumbles?
Such is my opinion concerning the doormat issue. My experience may apply to you. It may not.
And I'll just add, since you mentioned that this board helps you, that it helps me a lot, too. My H is not a bad dude. I once respected him a great deal because he had a great store of knowledge about things I knew very little about--Zen, music, history, books I hadn't read. But, yes, he did break my heart, and what's more, he's hurt our children. He once was a terrific father, and now he's a loser in that department. So, yes, before I found this board, I was thinking about men in a certain way. Thinking about going out to California and joining a Sapphic (sp?) Naturist colony, and weaving on a loom and stuff, and writing self-help books for children with titles like "I have 800 Mommies." But then I started reading what men were writing about their wives and children. It totally floored me. I thought that all men wanted to get RID of their wives and children. Long-married men had those kinds of emotions? The same kind women had? I admit that I was stupid to be so astonished.
It was a huge boost to my optimism regarding people in general. It's been an enormous help to me to see men as they are--not as the masks they tend to hide behind. Sometimes I think that what they are is better than what they pretend to be. And sometimes not!
But this is the Fourth! We've got to get out and celebrate!
