Living with my WAW 3

[SuperDad]

Great work, SD! Sounds like you're doing all of the right things, my friend!

What is this "non-dating" thing you and many others have been talking about of late? I'm curious...

GD

The idea is that you are trying to add to the mystery by going out on safe, but ambiguous adventures that could be dates. Much like a date, it should be fun and for you. However, the secondary intent is to make you more "in-demand" and therefore desirable/valuable. This is based on an article by Dobson (I think) Stillme posted the link in her thread a few days ago.

SD

[SunnySeason]

Following along w/ the progress SuperD, & see lots of it.

The fixing of the dinner, engaging w/neighbors & calmness are all good & you have a good grasp on the things.

It is tiring though & like you say, "All you can do is detach & get on w/ your life." That holds true for us all, no?

Keep up the excellent DBing.

Best,

Sunny

[SuperDad]

Thanks Sunny!

Whilst there are a lot of positives, I really am tiring of it all and am questioning how long I am willing to live in limbo. It seems that I am one of the few with a WAW who is a stay at home mom. This means that I am the sole breadwinner and now am supporting a 3rd kid (my WAW) who has suddenly gone from being a 39 year old mom to a 40 year old teenager.

Our youngest will be in 1st grade this year and she has a university degree and could get a job tomorrow if she wanted. Instead she does nothing! Or at least nothing about changing her boring, miserable life (her words, not mine). Unless of course sitting in front of the computer, locked in her room for hours each day counts as doing something!

If you can't tell, this is starting to wear on me. Some action needs to be taken, but first I need to refocus, revisit my goals, decide what it is that I want out of this sitch and try to achieve it. Of course, our wonderful, no fault divorce laws in FL make this very interesting.

I indeed will try to get my game face back on and DB my little butt off.

SD

[SuperDad]

Especially to go out with a hot, smarty-pants babe like Stillme could just me more than I could resist.

ACKKKK!!!! - and you'll have to get behind the twenty-stinkin-ONE year old who wanted my # last night!! LOLOLOLOL!

Yeah, I went out last night for a drink at a local establishment as well. The attraction of being 21 again just ain't there! Maybe need to stick closer to the martini bar happy hours of better yet join the local cycling club after I get my new bike next month (yea!).

Take care, SD

[C_K]

SD

I am with you on this limbo thing. My W still at home despite saying she is moving , having bag packed now for how many weeks ?
Still what is your goal? if its not changed then its time and patience (again).

Dave

[Nomopo]

I thanked her and told her she did not have to do that, I could have picked up a wrap at the gym. She did not really answer when I said this (twice since I thought she did not hear me the first time)

Why did you say this?

I was so surprised that my WAW had cooked dinner for just me and at nice one at that, I really wanted to express my gratitude. Really, this kind of freaked me out. Think about how you would feel if you came home on one of your days in the house and your W had taken off and made you dinner, how would you respond? I talked about this with the IC, of the many possible explanations, we agreed that the most obvious one is that she was feeling guilty and tried to assuage her guilt by doing something nice for me.

What I was actually wondering about was why you told her she did not have to do that. I would be curious to see if she repeated this positive action.

I see a lot of baby steps here:

1. I continue to follow through on my goals, esp. in changing past behavior which caused flare ups in our R.
2. W continues to want to spend time with me, even to the point of coming over to the neighbor's who she has been trying to avoid.
3. I am lovingly detached and it is giving W opportunities to (a) spend some time away from me and (b) pursue me.

Agreed.

My mom sent W a letter saying that she is sorry that we are having difficult times in our R, but that she appreciates what a good mom (and DIL) my W is and that my parents welcome us all to stay with them when we are in TX. She also offered to take the kids for a while or do anything else that W would like to help out. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad one. W has not mentioned it, but left out the opened letter with other mail for me to go through.

I think it was an excellent thing.

DBing worked great on neighbor's W. When I first showed up, she was venting about how my W is a nut case, that she just needs a dose of reality to wake up, and that she cannot believe that she is living in the guest room. I let her go on for a bit, validated her feelings, and then said that W needs some space and time to work out her issues. She is not trying to hurt anyone and I am happy to be "separated" while living in the same house as my kids. After I showed this support for W, neighbor's W calmed WAY down and a few minutes later went over to our house with her DD. As mentioned above, we all ended up spending an hour or so together after this. AMAZING!!

That is cool.

The attraction of being 21 again just ain't there!

Actually, I think I would like to be 21 again. Maybe I'm having a MLC! I would, however, like to keep all the things I've learned between 21 and 39.

Nomopo

[SuperDad]

Dave:

Still what is your goal? if its not changed then its time and patience (again).

I will journal on this soon. I want to go back over my goals that I set in March and really think about what I want out of this sitch and, more importantly, for my life!

MoPo,
She has been cooking dinners for us all along. We eat together on most evenings, full sit down dinner, just like before the bomb! Normally, if she does not eat at home, I like her to not have to worry about getting dinner for me and the kids. Given her unresponsive state that evening, I was just trying to express my gratitude that she had done that for me.

Actually, I think I would like to be 21 again. Maybe I'm having a MLC! I would, however, like to keep all the things I've learned between 21 and 39.

Yeah, well that's called immortality and you don't want that either. There is a great line in the Illiad where Achillies says to Patrocoles (his best friend) on the night before Patrocoles will die in battle. It goes something like:
"The gods envy us. Everything they experience, they will have the opportunity to experience again. We on the other hand, never know when our time will come, so we truely savor the time that we have on this Earth."

Look back on the life that you have lived with fond memories, relish the present that you have now, and look forward to the days that will come. Knowing all along that each is unique and irreplacable.

Of course, if we really did this, maybe we wouldn't be here

BTW, I prefer midlife AWAKENING.

SD

[Nomopo]

That's deep, but I still say rewind to 21 could be fun!

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Past few days have been fairly flat for a rollercoaster ride. W has been up and down, but mostly just emotionless when I am around.

I had one bad interaction with her:
SD: The kids have been watching TV continuously since I got home.
W: Yeah.
SD: Did they do anything else all day?
W: (very defensively) L&G came over and they played all day!
SD: Sorry, I did not mean to upset you. I was just asking! (I left the room to go practice violin in my bedroom.)

Not a serious backslide, but pushed her buttons unnecessarily. Got to work on that one.

Otherwise, GALing is going good. I have been watching the Copa America matches all week with some neighbors which is mostly fun, but not getting as much sleep as I would like!

I did my first 3 sport workout today. I did 1500m in the pool, 1 hour spinning class and ran a 10k. It went well until about 15 min left in the run when I hit the wall. It took all I had (and a prayer) to keep going, but I finished without slowing down. Really a good way to work on your self-control.

One nap, 2 advil, 3 glasses of water and about 1500 calories of carbs later and I am feeling much better, thanks!

Also got some fireworks to shoot off with the kids this evening if it ever stops raining.

On other fronts, W and I have agreed on dates for our planned vac. to TX. She will be there for 2 wks with the kids while I go on a bus. trip and then when I get back, I will take 2 wks vacation. We agreed to drive out and stay at the beach on the way there for 2 days. She will spend some time alone with her family (and prolly OM). My parents have offered to keep the kids for as much time as we want, so W is thinking to take them up on that as well.

We will see how this goes, but I see it as mostly positive stuff. I am also thinking of a 40th B-day party for meself with a lot of friends from growing up. Not sure exactly how to swing this, but it will workout somehow.

The only thing that is really bugging me right now is finances. W has shown no inclination to look for a job and her car is really old. I have no intention of buying her a new one, but I am jonesing to get an SUV and a jetski in a bad way. The fireworks from this I just don't want to see!

Anyway, my current use of the DO NOTHING strategy is leading me to just be patient about this whole topic. Eventually, she will have to do something.

Of course, my alter ego wants to take over the family finances, close credit cards, open new bank acct in my name only , and not give her any money at all, even do the grocery shopping myself!

This urge is esp. strong after she just got back from the salon with an especially ugly, $140 haircut and dye! When I saw this, all I could say was "Oh, you got your hair done!"

Anyway, enough rambling for now.

Happy 4th everybody!!!

SD

[NewHorizons]

Wow, Super...your mild mannered Clark Kent persona is going great! Louis was always a hard sell, but I'm sure she'll do something soon. Hope you have a wonderful forth and don't sit around imagining what will happen when sparks from the fireworks set Louis' hair on fire. The colours that metal salts make are beautiful but I don't think she'd appreciate it that much!

OTB