Hummmm.... I suggest you try to figure out why you did it and what would allow you to go there again. You might need to go into therapy with someone who is very experienced with this sort of thing.
In the meantime it may help to read some books and try to learn about yourself, weaknesses you may have and what you can do to build better character and a stronger moral compass.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
