Hi IP I'm a DB'er that's been through the piecing process and Praise God! my marriage has been saved and is better than ever now. You can look up my posts from the last couple of years and you'll see how much pain and confusion I myself was in, especially over OW.. who was a BLIP on the screen. So, even though you don't know me, I'm gonna post a little tough love to you. Maybe it'll help you to not make the same mistakes I made! My H came home to piece and I was hurt, angry and obsessed by OW. He had to deal with that EVERY day. It was too much. Not that I didn't have a good reason to feel as I did and work through it.. it's just that our M was not strong enough at that point to support my pain and help me heal. So.. we separated again. That separation lasted 8 months and was very painful for our entire family. I learned that I could heal without H's help and that my holding on to the past was destroying our R as much as his infidelity. I learned to love myself during that time too and understand that he is not supposed to make me feel whole, loved, or accepted. As an adult, those feelings and that security is my responsibility.
My advice to you is... ACT AS IF... in front of H and your S put on a happy face and get through the moments. Schedule quiet time with yourself to grieve the loss of trust, but celebrate that your H has chosen to come back to his family. Forgive him. If you don't know how to do it.. seek counseling or get a book on the subject. LOVE YOURSELF. This means to focus on your needs. Get plenty of rest.. eat right...exercise.. find an activity that you enjoy and get your mind off of your problems. Realize that your H is with you!!!! Nurture that fact!! Yes, nurture him. He can't reassure you, no matter what he does. I know this from experience. My H could do nothing to take back what happened, or to make me believe that he wouldnt leave me or that he loves me. Whatever he did try to to was analyze by me and I still doubted. Accept that it is going to take time. That's the magic ingredient I think you're looking for. TIME. Nothing else heals quite as well as distancing from the past. Every day that he is there with you.. just physically with you and your family is a day toward you accepting that truth. That time will also heal him and when he is healed and has forgiven himself, he'll love you with a full heart again.
If you can't stop crying (I couldnt at times).. feel hopeless, anxious, or have destructive anger etc., please see a Dr. They can put you on something temporarily that will help you to deal with your emotions and function in spite of them. I was very stubborn that I didn't need medication, but I finally crashed from all of the stress and pressure. The Dr. put me on a very low dose anti-depressant with few side effects and it helped so much. It was only a month after that that H and I reconciled again. It was impossible for him to live with me when I was crying, venting, and destroying our R with my words because I couldnt control my feelings. Once I took care of that, he had some space to work through his issues and we started counseling to work on our M.
Good luck. I know how much you're hurting.. I hope I wasn't too harsh. It's just very hard for me to see a piecer who has a chance, but is pushing her spouse away with her words and actions. Not to criticize.. honestly.. but to maybe help you realize that you need to take action before your H feels that he can't live with your emotions, what he's created and leave again. I understand that "knowing" and him just going ahead and leaving seems like it would fix things.. feel better... but it doesnt if you truly want to save your M. It's better to have a S that has cheated and found their way back than to have allowed the A to destroy a family. Don't give OW that power over your life sweetie. YOU turn her into a non-event. ACT AS IF anything he might or might not have had with her pales in comparison to you because it truly does or he wouldnt have came home to you.
I'm a DB'er that's been through the piecing process and Praise God! my marriage has been saved and is better than ever now. You can look up my posts from the last couple of years and you'll see how much pain and confusion I myself was in, especially over OW.. who was a BLIP on the screen. So, even though you don't know me, I'm gonna post a little tough love to you. Maybe it'll help you to not make the same mistakes I made! My H came home to piece and I was hurt, angry and obsessed by OW. He had to deal with that EVERY day. It was too much. Not that I didn't have a good reason to feel as I did and work through it.. it's just that our M was not strong enough at that point to support my pain and help me heal. So.. we separated again. That separation lasted 8 months and was very painful for our entire family. I learned that I could heal without H's help and that my holding on to the past was destroying our R as much as his infidelity. I learned to love myself during that time too and understand that he is not supposed to make me feel whole, loved, or accepted. As an adult, those feelings and that security is my responsibility.
