I just want her to come home!

[Nomopo]

Good morning Atlas! Happy Fourth!

I like the neutral day, and I see your point on meeting that goal.

I still see it as positive. See what GD said about it in his last paragraph - I agree.

I do have them listed, I actually created a check list in word to mark off, and I have major goals 1) A loving fulfilling relationship! Not the exact language. Then minor, weekly, and prior to any meeting I have situation goals. So far I'm hitting about 80%. No arguements for two days for instance.

This is excellent my friend! Keep this up! In the Staying Solutions Focus Workshop (not sure that is the exact name) forum, there is a subforum on goals. I started looking at it last night. Some good suggestions in there for specific goals and how to go about setting, tracking and meeting goals. Check it out when you can. So much GREAT information on this site. I love it!

I do have a major concern before tommorow's outing.

She can not stop about the R/M and the issues. I try and be supportive and have read most of DR. But I'm still lost on what to do when it comes up. I just node my head, I don't dismiss, I don't say sorry anymore, just listen. But I don't think it is helping to listen, I think she is trying to justify her actions. She is very diplomatic about it, "It's me, not you." But I think by being an outlet I'm letting her justify, what do I do, 1) continue on this path of just listening, 2) Get up, walk away and go do something else! I don't want to turn her off on letting her know I'm an outlet, but at the same time I'm just eating crow during these convo's.

You are doing good on this, and much better than before, right? The move from defending to listening is HUGE. Now, let me tell you what I think the next step is, and this may be what's giving you the nagging feeling that something's missing and these talks aren't "helping." And GD hit it too - the next part is validate (and empathize)! (And GD also wisely points out that you have a chance to meet HER needs. This is golden. This is your chance to be an unconditional friend - giving her what she needs with no regard for your own needs and without trying to get something out of this exchange for yourself. Seize the opportunity!)

Ok, here is the dialogue sequence (this comes from IMAGO therapy, by the way, and if you're curious check out Hendricks or Hendrix's book Getting the Love you Want):

First, Listen and Mirror. Let her talk, and when she stops (or if it's a lot you can ask her to stop so you don't get too much to remember - just say "can you give me a minute to make sure I am getting all of this?"), mirror back to her exactly what she says. Be careful about changing the words too much, and paraphrasing. Be true to her message. So, for example:

W - you know Atlas, I just feel like we fight all the time. We argue constantly, and we always have, and it has really just worn me out. I don't know how we can be happy if we don't get along.

Atlas - So you feel like we fight all the time, and have always fought all the time, and you're tired of it. And you're worried that we can't be happy if we fight all the time. Did I get that right?

W - Yeah, that's right, and I don't know what to do about it.

Second, Mirror. Ok, perfect mirroring, and now on to the critical step, which is to validate. This is key, and where you really have a chance to meet her needs. (By the way, her needs are most likely to be heard (listen, mirror) and understood (validate, empathize). And we all have these needs. Your needs in this talk, if they mattered, are likely to be too defend yourself, or to counter and tell her that the two of you had good times too, but you have to table your needs for now, because you're there for her. She started the talk afterall.)

To validate means to understand how she got to this point logically. To see it from her perspective, and see how logically she thinks this. Importantly, it does not mean agreeing, but if you do agree, you can say so. You can also say sorry, or that you regret it, if you feel that way, but you don't have to, IMO. So, you might say something like this:

Atlas - W, I see how you feel that way, like we argued all the time. We have argued/fought a lot, and that's something I regret. It was terrible for our R.

Just leave it at that. It's that simple. Notice you didn't agree that you literally fought all the time, but you validated how she feels because you do understand logically how she feel that way because you did argue at times. (Of course, this is a hypo - I have no idea if arguing was one of your issues.) One more thing on validating, if you do not understand how she feels that way (and please be sure you can't see it from her perspective before you do this, because it is better to see it from her perspective as soon as possible), you can ask her to help you understand. It would look something like this:

Atlas - W, I hear that you feel like we fought/fight all the time (note - mirroring again), but help me to understand that because I just don't remember that many arguments or fights.

And then shut up, listen and get ready to mirror again and hopefully validate. I''m sure you can see why it is MUCH better to get what she is saying without asking, because now she has to lay out for you the 15 fights you had in the last twelve months and that will conjure up negative feeling, emotions, etc.

Third, after validating, the next step is empathize. You can skip this if you want (as long as you validated), but it can be very powerful too. To empathize is to understand where she is coming from emotionally, as opposed to logically. Logic tells you that she feels like you fought all the time because you know you did have fights so you see how she gets there even if you don't agree it was all the time. Empathy is seeing how this makes her feel emotionally - angry, frustrated, sad, hurt, unloved, exhausted, whatever. The best way is to mirror back any emotions she already used. So in the example above, she really didn't give you much but she said she felt "worn out" and didn't know what to do. So, you could say:

Atlas (after validating that he sees how she could feel like they fought all the time) - And I understand that you feel worn out by all the fighting. Is that right?

W - Yes, I am exhausted.

Atlas - I understand that. [Now, you have empathized, and you can venture a guess as to other emotions, but you don't have to. I like to do it, but always ask her if that is what she is feeling. She can tell you yes or no, and it might lead her to telling you what (else) she is feeling. So,] And I can also imagine that you might be feeling [or you might say "and I think that might make me feel"] frustrated and sad. Does it make you feel that way?

W - Not so much frustrated, because I think it's just the way we are, but it does make me sad.

Atlas - yeah, I bet.

Do you see how powerful this can be? You can really connect and really be there for her and really meet her needs. That is a true friend, and she is giving you the chance to do it. Note that in her answer she threw in a shot or some alien spew about it's just how we are (eg, hopeless). And saying she wasn't frustrated kind of contradicted what she said earlier about not knowing what to do. But go with it. This is purely for her. (If it were me, I'd have to fight the urge to counter her "it's just the way we are poin with "but it's not hopeless!" Better to bite your tongue. I'm learning.)

One last thing. After this, it is appropriate to end with "is there anything more?" If she says no, great. You did it! If she elaborates on the same point, go with it - listen, validate and empathize if you can. If she goes to a different R topic - follow the same steps again. This is just a R skill - four little steps you can apply over and over in the same conversations and/or throughout your R. When I get into any kind of serious talk with my W now (R or not, but mainly R), in my head I am taking it step by step:

1. listen
2. mirror
3. validate
4. empathize

Oh yeah, sorry, one more point. Don't give her advice or try to solve any problems. I did this for years any time the wife would talk to me. (And I played devil's advocate explaining the other side so she would feel better. Ha!) If she wants your advice, or solutions, or to see the other side, she'll ask. Otherwise, assume she wants to be heard and understood.

I hope it helps, and let me know if you have questions or if that isn't clear,

Nomopo

PS - this skill isn't easy or natural, but it gets to be easier and somewhat automatic. It takes some practice, so don't sweat getting it right the first time (hopefully today - look at that, now I am hoping the WAS initiates an R talk! ). More than likely, you will have multiple opportunities to perfect this skill.