And Atlas, regarding the ring -- leave it on if you are still invested in your M. I think it will be more of a positive in the long run to leave it on until the D goes through (IF it does). If you work it out, she will appreciate the fact that you were that invested in the M.
Glad you're plowing through DR -- great stuff, isn't it?
I didn't feel to hot last night after everything went down, she left the flowers, card, grabbed the boy and stomped out. Well I think your right, it shed some truth and reality on the situation, because I go home for lunch and she is there.
What is she doing? Using my office for its internet connection. She has a connection at her apartment complex, granted its in the main office, but they have these little privacy cubicle's to work in. She has been using them all week, all the sudden those are no good and she is over here doing her bills and such??? Good sign.
I'm totally nice, didn't say one thing negative. As I'm making lunch I offer her some and she gladly accepts. As I am cooking I turn around to catch her smelling the flowers she left behind and looks at me with a linger for just a moment. It will be intersting if they are there when I get home. Another highlight is that I had her in stiches over a great event that happened to me last night. The short of it, locked out of the house in the garage, with the new pup, nothing on really, no cell no extra key. Got back in, but rather funny.
On the not so good side of things, she tried to get me to look at her hand a couple of times. We would make eye contact and she would divert her eyes to her hand which was placed clear across the counter. I had already noticed it so I pretended I didn't see anything. Avoid the triggers and arguments.
DR is great stuff. I agree with you and Nomo about the ring. I'm in this for the long haul and until I toss in the towel the ring stays on. It is a sign to her and a sign to myself of the hope.
Good post, and you handled everything perfectly IMO.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
On the not so good side of things, she tried to get me to look at her hand a couple of times. We would make eye contact and she would divert her eyes to her hand which was placed clear across the counter.
You handled this well. Did you see my recent post on my thread about the castle and the picnic? Check it out. The WAS has to mix some negatives in with the positives. They are just going to happen so expect them, and ignore, like you did. This will take longer than you want, but you are doing great!
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Great job, Atlas! She started testing the water with her toes, then the whole foot...I think she's got the ankle all the way in now -- but like mopo said: she pull it back out again too.
Do check out the castle and picnic analogy -- great visual and very true about the WAS. I laugh every time I picture it!
W asked me to help her in moving her new couch and I gladly accepted. I was to pick her and the son up first and then go and get it. I took it upon myself to get the couch and showed up at her place with it, she was pretty thrilled. She then asked if I would mine staying and putting some things together, hanging pictures and etc… It tears my heart out to help my W leave but her attitude is really changing.
I spent the night putting things together and she made me a PBJ sandwich, which was nice. Then this really blew my mind, I had to run and buy a few wall hangers and she called why I was out. She asked if I would pick up some beer, which I did. I got back and put it in her fridge, didn’t say much. Well 2 minutes later I’m getting taped on the shoulder, and here you go. Well I thought it was a test at first, and trying to work on that I declined. She insisted and said it wasn’t a big deal. We split a 6 pack laughed at some pretty good times.
We ended the night watching the end of chocolate (but say it in French), and when I said goodnight, I started to walk out and she grabbed my hand and gave me a hug. I also started the GAL tactic, and that might have helped also. I asked for a change in the schedule this weekend so that I could have Saturday night free. She asked what for and I said just a social gathering. Seemed to sort of piss her off, but I guess that is part of the reaction I’m looking for, peak her interest a little.
She still is talking hell bent on its over and I just ignore, but she didn’t use the D word at all last night, it is now “our separation.” I started to list and organize my goals and plans, and last night, I meet almost all of them. 2 nonsexual touches, 3 compliments for the night, no R talk (failed, but not on my behalf), no arguments (most proud of that).
You have definitely got her doubting her choice right now. Doing things for her in terms of her moving out, though it hurts, is exactly what you need to do for her. Show her that you are like a best friend and that you have unconditional love for her. Getting the couch and THEN coming over was BRILLIANT! Great job here! Her wanting beer and then wanting to drink them with you sounds like a telltale sign to me as well that she is softening.
Keep doing exactly what you're doing and I have no doubt that you will bust this D! It may take more time than you hope, think, etc, but I believe it will happen!
It tears my heart out to help my W leave but her attitude is really changing.
As hard as it is, I think this is great. I think it will give you the best shot at saving your M, and position you for the best R with W even if M doesn't work out (which will be good for your kid).
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I also started the GAL tactic, and that might have helped also. I asked for a change in the schedule this weekend so that I could have Saturday night free. She asked what for and I said just a social gathering. Seemed to sort of piss her off, but I guess that is part of the reaction I’m looking for, peak her interest a little.
Just remember not to use this to teach her a lesson or show her what life will be like without her. Do this for you, and if she is curious. Fine. But keep the convos about it short and sweet.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
She still is talking hell bent on its over and I just ignore,
Perfect. And good for you on setting and meeting goals!
Keep it up! Yor're doing great! Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Well how do you say it? I guess keep your hands and arms in the ride at all times! It has been to early to get the rollercoaster message. I thought it meant the drama, but I think it is the up's and down's and DB'ing working and then the slide backwards, which tonight was a slide down.
So I had the S tonight, we had a great time. Only downer was that he kept reapting "Mommy cries." I feel so bad he has to see this, and that she is going through this as well. I'm just down, no way to explain it.
After a great night last night, partial movie, good convo, all the great stuff, today was the craps. No calls, plea for help, nothing. At the pick up it was "Pass me the salt!" I loaded the boy in the car seat and stood and waved.
I know I can't expect the ring back for a long time, but that is just killing me and she is flaunting it like a new found puppy.
On a good note, I was to take the S to the parade tomorrow morning and she was going to take him to a firework show in the evening. When we checked online for times, well the town parade is at 6pm and fireworks after some other festivities. She didn't think our plan would work and asked if I would like to take them out for the evening. I would say it is a good sign, but her deamenor during the idea was like well I guess we do this!
I just have to keep moving forward, hour by hour, day by day. My GAL is slowly coming together but is tough with how much I realize I invested in my career and friends have families of their own.
Oh Atlas, my friend, I know the emotions are tough to handle, but really, this isn't bad. It's normal, and you will get plenty more, but you can handle this part easy!
Originally Posted By: Atlas
It has been to early to get the rollercoaster message. I thought it meant the drama, but I think it is the up's and down's and DB'ing working and then the slide backwards, which tonight was a slide down.
Yes, it's the ups and downs of the emotions, and the good days when you see progress and then the inevitable retreat. In my current thread (I think from last Thursday or Friday), I shared some comments my DB coach made about the castle and the picnic. Check it out if you haven't. That hits the target in describing what happens (and it happened to you today a little, I think).
Originally Posted By: Atlas
So I had the S tonight, we had a great time. Only downer was that he kept reapting "Mommy cries." I feel so bad he has to see this, and that she is going through this as well. I'm just down, no way to explain it.
That's very fair. This is tough. No easy answers. Just have to deal. Accept it, and try not to dwell on it more thatn you have to. Sorry.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
After a great night last night, partial movie, good convo, all the great stuff, today was the craps. No calls, plea for help, nothing. At the pick up it was "Pass me the salt!" I loaded the boy in the car seat and stood and waved.
Atlas, a quiet day is not the craps. It's really not bad. She needs her time and space. You gave it to her. Good for you. And more than likely good for your sitch.
Don't take it personally. Really, despite anything she might say, this is about her sorting it all out, not you. Craps is when you fight, when you snoop, when she yells, and generally you two have negative interactions. Quiet, no talk days are not negative interactions. They're nuetral days (and actually positive in that they are necessary to healing). Make sense? You should feel good about quiet, no negative days. You advanced your cause today my friend.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I know I can't expect the ring back for a long time, but that is just killing me and she is flaunting it like a new found puppy.
I hear you. Try to put this out of your mind. Maybe you need a long-term goal to help your patience. How about a goal of she puts her ring back on by January? Then maybe it will bother you less when you see it off now.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
On a good note, I was to take the S to the parade tomorrow morning and she was going to take him to a firework show in the evening. When we checked online for times, well the town parade is at 6pm and fireworks after some other festivities. She didn't think our plan would work and asked if I would like to take them out for the evening. I would say it is a good sign, but her deamenor during the idea was like well I guess we do this!
Now it wasn't not only a bad "crap" day, or even a neutral day, but a good day! And ignore the demeanoer - that's the alien my friend. Do you have specific goals? This would have met one of mine.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I just have to keep moving forward, hour by hour, day by day. My GAL is slowly coming together but is tough with how much I realize I invested in my career and friends have families of their own.
Good attitude. Onward and upward. And I hear you about friends - I am shocked I have so few single friends.
Good luck, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
