Tough position to be in. I think I recognize some of my wife's and my own behavior in what you described.
I can say I'm sure my wife would have, many times, preferred I treated myself more like an independent man, and treated her more like a separate individual -- not making my happiness so dependent on her behavior or feelings about me, and by not catering to her every whim. In retrospect, I can see that's been the case not only with her but with other women in my limited relationship/dating experience.
I'm at a loss for coming up with the right words to describe what or how I should have been different. But, the essence, I think, is that I need to be more masculine towards her and I need to allow her to be more feminine. (Having just written that, I want to shout "there are many things that I DON'T mean by that -- please don't misunderstand".... )
Anyhow, some of it is captured in a book someone here once recommended to me: "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. It talks of the masculine and the feminine.
I can't say I agree with the whole of any chapter, but I think he does offer some alternate ways of being in my relationship with my wife -- things I think I need to understand.
Funny thing is, my wife found the book (I had left it laying around) and started reading it. She seemed very very interested in it as she read. She eventually asked me about the book, and pointed out the chapter about a woman wanting to be ravished by her man...which, I took as confirmation I have -- not just with the ravishing -- but with the masculine/feminine thing -- stumbled upon something very meaningful to her and how she sees/experiences me. That is, I think the book struck a nerve. From what you described, I wonder if you might find another useful way of looking at your relationship than what you might have found so far. Just a thought.
On the -1 thing, wow, very hard to be lighthearted in response I'd guess. Only thing I can think of maybe you could ask her, no, tell her, that you are intent on earning back some points by doing x-y-z (things that you know she would enjoy), and aren't going to stop until you're the clear winner.
Maybe she is trying to communicate what she needs from you, for you to be more desirable to her. If so, it kind of sucks it's done in such a painful way. But, at least its useful information.
