New to this.....feeling down

[No_LRT_Yet]

We know you can't wait around forever. But you love her, you know she is sick. Depression and trauma. How long are you willing to wait for the person you love? In sickness and in health. If you want to be with her, how long do you wait? You wait until she files. My opinion. You continue to get yourself better, but if you love her and want to be with her, you wait.

You say running is all she knows right now. Even the best distance runner gets tired of running. Eventually she will bottom out, do you want to be there when she does? Do you want to be there for her? If so, you wait.

[osu43130]

Sol,
Have you thought about a legal seperation for now? Just another thought. One step short of a D and not much different in my opinion. But it is another option other than a D that seperates you from her finacially as well as settles the custody issue. Pretty much says everything in a legal form that you want with out an actual D,

[whatisis]

Sol, you wrote "And I also want to know what happened between us that lead to her having an affair......is it her depression? Insecurity? Trauma from being abused as a young girl?" You have forgotten one key element, your part in what happened. I know that is really hard to look at but dynamics between people have a huge part in the choices each makes. Her choice was wrong, no doubt but you can't just look at her defecits etc as the ONLY reason an A happened. Trust me, my W is in a looney situation and I could list off her childhood emotional isolation etc but there was something in our R too that did not work. That is something I have to look at so that I don't repeat that kind of situation in the future with her or any other R. You too need to look beyond her responsibility for answers. It's hard but it's important. She's messed up, absolutely. She needs counselling and much more, you are right. But remember, it's a partnership that did not work, ask why?

[osu43130]

I think you hit the nail on the head and that he realy needs to think about it.

Maybe not for this R but definitely for his next let it be his current W or someone else. I know for a fact I do not want to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past and I am sure there are still some that I have not uncovered as well. I actually wish my STBXW would tell me what I did wrong in a little more detail instead of just saying I changed. That way I could evaluate my own mistakes vrs what she percieves as mistakes. Guese that i what C is for.

[~Sol]

I know I forgot to mention my part in it. My mistake, but I left that out and I know I did something or things that she did not like. I lose my temper too, I don't apologize right away, I don't say "I love you" enough, I don't "talk" to her about her past....all of these things she already pointed out to me. It is our R and it's bad dynamics that causes us to butt heads a lot. Without looking at her problems, I can isolate my own and work on them...but I need to look deeper with IC, so I can pinpoint where my unattractive areas are and change them.

She is my first wife, first long term R, and only woman I have a kid with. I had no idea (and still a bit clueless) on how good relationships work. I am an expert on how bad relationships work and can cause many of them! But I want to learn how to make good R last longer. I know it is possible. That's what I want - whether its with this woman I am currently married to or the next.

Maybe I don't care enough for her like I think I did....???? Is love doing things for someone or is it a feeling? I look at my little girl and I know I am capable of loving someone. But with my W, it is so difficult - does that make sense to anyone? There are things I don't like about her that sends me over the edge....and that's where I "blow it".

[whatisis]

There will be alot of things you will question Sol. I'm there with you guy! I sometimes wonder whether I am even capable of having a healthy R with any woman in the future. You think these things sometimes. But, it's hard to come to any real conclusions, and best not to, when we're floating around in this mess. I'm glad you have some ideas about where you went wrong, that you serve you tremendously in the future. It's an emotional rollercoaster, I guess we just grab on tight and take the ride. You're doing well, hang on!
Hey, Happy July 4 I hope your flag is flying proudly today

[~Sol]

Thank you whatis - I haven't forgotten what country I live in thanks to looking at the flag today!

I had a good chat with my parents - they know about my sitch all the way in California. No matter how I try to look at this thing, it feels wrong. It's when I find solace in the fact that I do have a life after marriage - that I feel better about where I am.

This picking up daughter and dropping her off is getting ridiculous. And W has her own set of new bills now....oh, I went to visit her place this morning....and I wasn't impressed at all, in fact, I was grossed out by the kind of run-down, rotting and worthless pile of junk she wasted 3 grand on.....I don't like my daughter being over there at all....that place needs to be demolished and replaced with a new trailer. The whole park over there is one of the oldest dumps you can think of. She's running away from me and a great home for what? To see if she has a future without me or with a loser? Man, I should just look the other way if this is going down like this!

But I didn't criticize her place at all....she obviously sees potential in that junk. Her "home away from home"??? I just hope she can get her life together if she is going to want to be single for my daughter's sake. Today's encounter with her "new place" put things in perspective for me. Now I understand why she likes to hang out at the house versus her pad.....it's much nicer where we are.

Still, being separated is a new life for me now. I feel like I am divorced yet still in her life due to my daughter.

[789]

Maybe her new residence will wake her up, you never know. It is probably good that you didn't say a word about the place, she already knows.
I've been seperated for over two months and have a son, I know exactly how you feel.

[OneWish]

This picking up daughter and dropping her off is getting ridiculous.

I can totally relate. I haven't read your whole sitch. How old is your daughter?

But I didn't criticize her place at all....she obviously sees potential in that junk.

Good move. You should have found a way to say something positive about her place or something. My W moved into a new house too and I complimented her on it. The only problem with it is, it is so small and is 2 stories. I am barely moving out of my parent's house into a nice apartment complex and I am sure this is going to bother my W because she knows that there are a lot of single women in the complex. I am already fighting off women at work. This has helped immensely with my self-esteem. Part of my GAL is this new apt and just being friends with females. This helps your confidence and you are able to see that there is nothing wrong with you. Your W just has low self-esteem and is blaming you for everything. She is not willing to look into the mirror.

I feel like I am divorced yet still in her life due to my daughter.

You will ALWAYS be in your daughter's and W's life. They are so weird. Unless there is affairs or extreme abuse, nobody should D. You two will always be together and that is why people always get back together. A piece of paper is not going to change anything.

[~Sol]

789....very funny pictures. Thanks for sharing those! You have a nice looking family and great kids....now - what is wrong with your wife? Man, I don't see how one spouse can "lose it" like that and want to separate because they are "unhappy".....

OneWish.....I know what you mean. Yeah, my wife suffers from depression and low self-esteem. I will always see her for the rest of my life because we have a child together.

I could have said something nice about her place but I would only be sarcastic if I complimented her on it. I know I should have been "nicer", but even she doesn't like it and is trying to make it better by fixing the place up. She only got that particular one because it has 2 rooms that she wanted to use for the kids. That place is so poorly insulated that it gets hot when the sun hits it and gets cool in the shade. She probably needs to spend another 5 grand to make it livable....are there building codes for trailers? I think there are, but I'm sure they are not as strict or numerous as actual homes.

I have an 8 year old little girl, and today she asked my daughter why mommy has to live in a different place and not stay home. My W's response to her was that "we have too many problems", I didn't say anything at that comment and simply left for work. My duaghter, who's only 8, already thinks that it's not a good idea for her mom to be living someplace else. What else can I tell my little girl but that both parents love her?

Quick recap to my sitch: Summer of 2006 wife was unhappy and we argued intensely. August 2006 she starts an affair with a co-worker that was interested in my W and listened to her. During this time she wants a D. 3 months later I discover the affair and confront her. We reconcile for a month but doesn't last - she's still "in love" with this loser that can't even support himself. (I'm disgusted at this part).

Then, wife has this BRILLIANT plan to use OM to marry SIL so she can become legal (she's in Mexico.) She took a trip with OM to Mexico so he could meet SIL and arrange their fake R. I told W it was wrong for her to do this, but I was trying to DB at the time and I was thinking about the consequences for my whole family if I reported her back then. 2 things threw me into a rage about this whole sham.....first - the approval letter (Petition for a Fiance) came to MY HOUSE from Immigration, so it was going to happen, that pissed me off. second, when SIL would arrive and they would have their sham marriage, OM would become my BIL??? And he would stay in the picture for a long time while I knew an affair happened with my W and him?? - That just makes me sick. So I went to 3 D lawyers, got the same thing about this, that I should run away from my W and leave her if she was going to do something "Highly Illegal" - according to the attorneys. So then I went to an Immigration Atty, who called my wife and told her she could be thrown in a federal prison for doing this. W thought I was bluffing and got a friend to do this, but she called the atty's number and found it was REAL. So W freaks out! And now she claims to have stopped the whole thing. Then my anger grows and I continue to try MC and she goes for the first time. It surprise me, but I am not convinced she is really done with SIL and her sham "plans".....so she moves out to get away from ME but also to do what she wants to do behind my back...


So see? I can't really trust her right now. I still don't agree in her "helping" her sister this way, and I am not going to jeopardize myself or my kids in this highly illegal scheme. My W became a U.S. citizen just last year, and I told her the govt can strip her citizenship away......she doesn't believe me, but if she gets caught, it's all on her.

Then there is the M problems we have. So I can't really work on the M when I had this sham hanging over my head. This is such a mess with our "M problems", "affair", and "sham marriage".....now involving OM (she calls "just a good friend")....see my frustrations? With her moved out, (partially - she still has a few of her things at the house), she is actually helping me in the D process. We need 6 months apart without any custody battles to make a D happen (daughter was born before we got married, so 6 months vs 1 year in VA). I am willing to wait 6 months being separated and see where we are then. I can file any day after that and be D 2 weeks later. If she doesn't want me, fine. If she wants OM, that's her own choice, right? They can both be happy in a junk of a trailer for all I care. But right now my W is soooo confused that I almost feel sorry for her. She is, after all, the mother of my child.

At this point I feel that my M is over. W continues to run away, and she proved she doesn't want to be with me with her moving out. She has a 1 year lease on that piece of junk (space rental), but a friend of ours told me she now regrets what she is doing, but she's doing it anyway. I feel betrayed all over again, but I am in a better place as time goes by...