Well i have been dbing for almost 7 months. the last two months i have basically been dark with very little contact.
about 2 weeks ago my wife went to my mothers to give her a belated mothers day gift. my mom said she was so friendly that she found it strange. she even went as far as to invite my mom to her families barbecue. she also invited my brothers wife to go out dancing with her.
while this is going on, i have been in contact with a lawyer to send my wife formal seperation papers so i can continue to invest in real estate and possibly buy another business. after the papers were ready my lawyer said i should contact my wife and give her a heads up about getting the papers.
well i did this wed. morning i emailed my wife and told her i needed to talk to her. ten minutes later she calls me back and emails me and says she has been wanting to talk to me as well. this made me nervous and i feared the worst. well wife called me later in the day and we talked for close to an hour when she was running errands, the conversation was very good and there deff. seemed that my wife's wall had come way down. she seemed to almost be the same person that i had married not the scared girl with the wall 6 inches thick.
well into our conversation she said she had a little time and could stop by if i wanted, i said sure why not. when she got here we have each other a hug and she got very emotional. this is the first in 7 months that she was not afraid to show me that this was hard on her. we talked for a while i got emotional when i started to tell her how hurt i was and she came over hugged me and sat on my lap. we held each other and kissed for about 20 minutes until she had to go to her second job.
after she leaves i get another call from her about 30 minutes later and says they sent her home from work because she couldn't stop crying. she was a mess as she says it. we decided we would go out to dinner. we talked about some of things she had talked to her mom about, she was very open with her thoughts and really seemed to be coming around. very heavy thinking and talking about us and what we should do.
we had a nice dinner and ended the night by going for ice cream. well the next day i called her and texted her to tell her it was nice seeing her yesterday. she never answered my text to i called and she was busy and was going to call me later but never did.
she has backed off and this is where i stand. is this common? do they scared and back off like this? what should i do? leave her alone or should i try and persue a friendship?
anyone that has been through the possible beginning stages of this please fill me in on what to expect.
Read the section in DR regarding coming out of LRT.
Patience. Move slow. Let her initiate contact. Stop texting, e-mailing and whatnot. Continue GALing, be friendly, happy and agreeable.
Don't allow yourself to become emotional. Don't attach too much to anything she does right now.
Lure her in bro. She ran back behind her wall. Don't chase. Figuratively spread a great picnic blanket out, chill out, lay down on your blanket and enjoy a glass of wine. Don't try to take her wall down. Create an atmostphere on your side of the wall that she will want to be part of, lure her. Let her come over and sit with you. Be still, patient and strong.
Be safe. Especially now, she probably feels really vulnerable. She opened herself to all these emotions that she has been stuffing and doing her best to kill off. Don't prove that side of her right. You can do this. Patience is your biggest ally. She came out to play, be cool and she will come out again when she is ready. Each time she comes out and sees it's safe, the easier it will be for the side of her that wants to be with you to tell the side of her that doesn't to shut the heck up.
She seemed like she was "thinking" about things so my opinion is that I would not try to contact her again. You called, she knows she can call you back when she's ready, but you don't want to push her away. As hard as it may be, I would NOT pursue at all! Not even under the pretenses of just a "friendship!"
Also, if you need those separation papers done so you will be protected financially, you may need to email her, no text or call, and tell her that. Maybe that will give her the kick in the pants she needs to wise up!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
i needed that. i am bugging out right now. she is def. thinking about things and i guess she needs to do it on her own. she has been stuffing the feelings inside for quite a long time and i think the emotional outburst scared her. i have to stay strong and patient but i tell you it is hard right now.
i have to stay strong and patient but i tell you it is hard right now.
Took stones on your part for taking action. She will respect you for this. When our spouses are away from us, they are a mess, low self-esteem and all. We make it worse when we don't stand up for ourselves and show them that we are strong and that we DON'T NEED them. Give it a little bit of time and keep being friendly towards your W. Don't explain to her why you did what you did. Create some mystery and tell her that you are working on some things and leave it at that.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
i don't know about stones, i just have to continue with my livelihood which is investing in real estate and businesses. she opened the door and i should have been more cautius or played hard to get for a while, the whole night or day was such a shock that i just got sucked in. so did she but she quickly backed off.
OneWish is dead on. Give it some time. Stop the negative cascade that is happening. You didn't get sucked in. You were given the opportunity to show you stuff. You did. She sampled, now let her think. She is likely fighting an internal battle right now, re; are the changes real? can I go through with this and make it on my own? IF the changes are real, it would be better to make a life with him, but how do I know?
My SIL was a WAW. Now divorced. She filled my in on her mental process numerous times as she would talk to me before, during and after her D. There were times where it just sucked, the kids were hurting, she was hurting, life was hard. So she would wonder, has he changed? She would tentatively reach out, but after just a few hours, sometimes moments, she would realize he is still the same and she just can't do it no matter how hard it is to go it alone.
The lesson I took from that is, when my W reaches out I have to stay consistent. My changes were and are for me. I lost track of me. In the beginning and even in recent months there have been times where she has reached out and it was so great, it was like we were newly wed, just incredible. Yet, when she would start to pull away, I would freak out and pursue, chase, all of the wrong things. I should have, and now do, just let her go. She was testing me and I didn't do so well on the test. The test was, will he still respect my wishes regarding time and space? Recently I have been passing the test but it took a long time for me to recognize the test.
Again, think of it like a wall she is running behind. Make your side of the wall a celebration. Lots of fun, happy, light. If she wants to come out, cool, if not, the party is still on. When she does come, let her hang and leave without issue. The easier it is to come and go the easier it's going to be for her to just come and stay.
thanks tyler. compared to her life mine is a celebration. she works from 6 am till 11 at night 5 nights a week just so she can afford what she is doing. crazy to me. if she was home she would come home from her day job and be sitting by the pool by 4 pm but now she is coming home and getting ready for her second job.
so we are going to go out on dates. i would have given my right arm for this opportunity months ago so i need to stay the hell upbeat.
what should i do about the contacting? we havent talked since sat. and i intiated those talks should i call or wait for her to call me?
thanks tyler. compared to her life mine is a celebration. she works from 6 am till 11 at night 5 nights a week just so she can afford what she is doing. crazy to me. if she was home she would come home from her day job and be sitting by the pool by 4 pm but now she is coming home and getting ready for her second job.
so we are going to go out on dates. i would have given my right arm for this opportunity months ago so i need to stay the hell upbeat.
what should i do about the contacting? we havent talked since sat. and i intiated those talks should i call or wait for her to call me?
That is one hell of a life she has created for herself isn't it? Greener grass? Heck, sounds like scorched earth to me.
How about this. Do you help her financially at all? If you do, why not make that the point of contact?
You could call, keep it cool and light, offer to bring a check by or make a payment or something of that nature. Pure business, that's all, yet we know better. It's a positive contact. One more in the positive register for bit1607.
yeh she bitched about it again today. she had the life what the hell she is or was thinking is beyond me. she had a free pass through life i have done very well and was willing to share all my hard work with her. now she is working more then she is not. i stopped helping her financially i refused to enable her on this decision. i did call today just to say hello and invite her to stop by tommorrow to help celebrate my moms b-day. she was in a bad mood at first but seemed to warm to me. she is going to try and stop. we also talked again about getting together and going out on a date she needs to find the time.
