'm not at all sure about this, and the general rule is when in doubt, don't act, but I hate to see the D go through if there is a way to avoid it.
I guess the real problem here is that I don't see a way to avoid it. Prolong it -- maybe. But avoid it, pretty sure that I can't. I feel like the best thing to do now is to see about doing what I can to prolong it (haven't talk to L yet, but will), and just do what I said I'm going to do and have been doing. I think that this will be more powerful and that as the D gets closer, W will maybe question the D more and more. I said a while back that I honestly believe that, for my W, a D needs to actually take place for her to have closure on our failed M, and for the potential for a new R/M to emerge/develop. I think she would need a sitch where there is no pressure, meaning dating but without committment or the stress of working/not working on a M, and see if she could fall in love with me again.
Early in the sep (pre-D filing, I think), W told MIL that "I probably could've lasted another couple of years, but that's it." I guess that tells me that there is some hope SOMEWHERE down the road, D or not. Also, when we first talked about the D, she said that we "might get back together 4-5 years down the road, who knows?" That I felt, was another good sign that she will always be "sneaking peeks" or that she is open to the possibility that she could be in love with me again.
She had said early on that she needs to find herself -- figure out who she is, and didn't feel like she had ever established that for herself. I think that she is sort of having that MLC in her mid twenties, simply because she lost a lot of independent experiences that many people around her were afforded.
When discussing the D, she also said that she needs a "clean slate" where the past doesn't come back to haunt her (which I think means the past where she cheated on me pre-M and the fact that I always used it against her in bad fights). If it is to ever work out between us, I believe she will first really need me to show her that I hold nothing against her (now or ever again) for both that mistake pre-M and the R she currently has with OM.
Well, all of that makes sense to me, and you have obviously thought a lot about it. In the end, you will go with your gut. Talk to your L to at least know your options, talk to your DB coach, and think some more on it. This decision does not have to be made quickly.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I was thinking that you could DB & not risk it until pretty close up to the D date to establish some good feelings between you.
I think this is probably the best thing to do.
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The difference in having your L send a request & you doing it in person is the difference, no.
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Maybe. I had discussed this issue initially with my DB coach (who I can't talk to until next Tuesday -- damn), and was going to bring it up to her. Then I decided that it might not be a good idea because it was R talk, so I decided that having it go through our L's was best. Maybe it wasn't, but I figured having W hear it from her L and thereby giving her time to think about it without the pressure of me being present might help. Obviously it didn't, but that was my thinking.
I think that maybe 2 weeks before the final D date, I will try to approach her about it.
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It would have to be a well thought out & sincere approach, coupled w/a strong/confident man attitude.
I agree -- got any suggestions as how to go about blending these?
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I think I would weigh it out & be prepared that it might not be greeted the way you wish for.
Oh I KNOW it won't, but I've still got to do this for ME -- for my peace of mind. One thing I think I need to do when this time comes, however, is to stay in the "Act As If" frame of mind, and this will help in the whole confidence part.
Your a huge inspiration, and you better flyfish, I'll have to stop in one day.
When it comes down to it, do you do everything you can? YES you do! It always lands back at the control issue, and for all of it you will always be a better man. Don't let your thoughts get the best of you. I'm talking to myself as much as you right now.
Never give in! You try everything that is reasonable before D-day arrives. Keep up the good work.
W called today around 5:00 (I was able to answer this one, which I did) and asked me if it was okay to drop the kids off at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning because she has to be to work early. I said that's fine, I'll be ready. She did seem pretty flat tone-wise, but I stayed friendly and upbeat with the very small talk involved. Again, she's having to do the contacting, and I'm being short on words and staying confident.
I called a good friend of mine tonight (went to H.S. and wrestled together), and took him and his fiance to dinner. I haven't seen them in 3-4 weeks, and part of that is because his fiance and my W work together and are pretty good friends. So, I decided to do a little indirect manipulation (remember Michele's definition of this word) during the evening. Friend's fiance and I have never clicked real well (she's kind of verbally abusive and controlling with my friend), but I decided that it wouldn't hurt to make a good impression with her and maybe the fiance would end up putting in a good word with W.
When I got to their house, I was happy and confident right off the bat. I focused on my friend's fiance's job -- asked how it was going, what hours she was working now, if she liked it, etc. I stayed thoroughly engaged and was an active listener during this time and the whole night. We also talked about my trip to Hawaii (she is Hawaiian and from Oahu, which is where I was). We laughed and joked about it a lot, and joked a lot throughout dinner too. She even made some comments about my tan and how I've filled out some (gained 20 lbs in 2 months -- I'm kind of lean, so I've been working out a lot and trying to put on the weight). She also mentioned she'd "double take" if she didn't know me and saw me somewhere (and yes my friend was there -- they are both comfortable with comments like these, so it was okay). I simply said, "Thanks. I appreciate that."
Well, after dinner we got back to their place and friend's fiance got a text -- guess who? Yup, my W. They texted back and forth for a while as my friend and I bs'd and got ready to play some PS2 golf. Then the fiance said we could play golf because she was going over to my W's place (which means she wasn't at OM's house, and earlier in the night it was strongly insinuated that W wasn't at his house last night either -- made me feel better in lieu of recent events that some of you are aware of). Before she left, my W continued to send her several texts, and friend's fiance said "Geeze W, I'm coming!" Fiance then said she didn't know how long she'd be gone (it was a little after 9:00 by this point), so don't wait up for her. I acted "as if", and when she left just said, "Later. It was nice seeing you." She said bye, thanked me for dinner and left.
Friend and I then played golf, and when we were done I left. I never mentioned W throughout the entire night and just acted "as if". Man did it all feel good!
I don't know what friend's fiance will say to W, if anything (she does tend to be quite a gossiper though, so I'm guessing she will say some things, and I KNOW they will all be good!). I also am trying not to read into what the back and forth texts could be about. All I can think is either about me or something about OM (please be something bad about OM!!!!!).
I know that I'm probably blowing all of this out of proportion, but I'm very happy about everything tonight. Trying to plant as many seeds of doubt in as many different places as possible, while all the while LRTing and staying dark as possible.
GD, I am glad there were some good positives from tonight and you seemed to handle yourself really well.
I think you already know this, but just make sure you are not worrying too much about what W and friend's fiancee were talking about. You will probably never know, so obsessing about it will do you no good. I am sure you are already aware of that, though.
JDK -- Sorry I haven't kept up on your thread lately -- lots of long posts, so I've struggled with keeping up with them (sorry!). I did read the part about S15's recent struggle -- awesome that he talked to you about it. Haven't seen what you decided to do about it, but I just hope everything is okay there, and that your R sitch is still in positive momentum. I'll be kind of busy over the next few days, but I'll catch up ASAP.
Kat,
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I think you already know this, but just make sure you are not worrying too much about what W and friend's fiancee were talking about. You will probably never know, so obsessing about it will do you no good.
I agree, and I've pretty much already let it go. Like I said (I think), it may not have been about anything in particular, but I've never known them to text back and forth like that -- they usually actually talk instead. Seemed a little covert, that's all. But you're right -- need to leave the dwelling on that alone. Thanks for your feedback!
Nomo,
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I can't believe texts were about OM unless they were bad. More than likely about you and much more than likely positive.
Now don't you get my hopes up, guru (you know we take your word as truth around here! )! You know as well as I do it is feels good to hope for all of this, but to be pretty certain of it is stretching things...I do appreciate the support on it though -- thanks! I guess the idea doesn't hurt, but like Kat said -- need to get over it now and move on.
)! You know as well as I do it is feels good to hope for all of this, but to be pretty certain of it is stretching things...I do appreciate the support on it though -- thanks! I guess the idea doesn't hurt, but like Kat said -- need to get over it now and move on.