Thank you Saffie. I do understand what you mentioned regarding when they start to turn. I struggle with that now and feel so much guilt. I was praying, (no, I'm not nuts and don't generally hear voices), and felt like God said to me, you said in anger to her last year that she has prayed for change and now that change is here she isn't interested much like praying for God to heal cancer and when the healing comes later than you think it should you say, no thanks God, I would rather just suffer now. You are guilty of that now, I'm healing her and it didn't come when you wanted so now you cross your arms and pout, refuse my gift?
I wish I knew if I wanted her. Only here and in IC can I be this honest. I just don't know. God help me. My IC said to visualize the faces of my children, (similar in ages to yours, 14, 12, 10, 6) and say the words, I can't try any longer. Feel it fully. Now think again about whether you can keep on trucking or not.
Now? The thought of the pain those words would cause them forces me to push on.
Some days the only thing that keeps me rockin' is a mantra I picked up after watching a special on TV about a man that pushes his son in a wheelchair while running marathons and competing in the Ironman. He does it because it makes his son feel alive. This father said, Love is a verb, it's what we do, not what we feel.
So some days, tyler is the lunatic in walking along saying to himself, Love is a Verb.
Love is a verb. When it would have been easier to just not. To spend his time doing something else. This father chose to believe love is what you do, not just what you feel.
Remember, whatever the outcome, we will always be connected with our partners through our children,. That thought has kept me going on many an occasion. Just keepig hanging in their big guy. Think little steps and hopefully things will improve.
I'm rooting for you!
Have to go know and take youngest daughter for her horse riding lesson. Just hope she doesn't fall OFF!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I doubt jewelry of any sort means the same to men as it does to women, but for me it is very important. Rings and also necklaces. Rings are historically a symbol of love. I think it began with the Romans, the ring showed that a person was "taken". But I think necklaces are important because they show the most on a person. My husband bought me a necklace recently for my birthday. When I wear it I think that I am showing the world that my husband loves me. And I know that when women see it, they know it means my husband loves me.
I never took my ring off because a ring says I'm married, and I have been married non-stop for many years now to the same woman. I don't think I need to wear it, but I chose to when we got married so the only time I would take it off I think would be if my wife divorced me and I wasn't married to her anymore. I also think it does mean something to her that I wear so I would do it no matter what just because of that.
Even if they say they don't want us at different times, wives need their husbands to be as constant as posssible. We think super-logically, and to us it doesn't really matter. But to them it does. And they matter to us.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Thank you saffie. Enjoy the ride. My parents have horses, I grew up riding and really miss it sometimes.
Interesting perspectives Sara and TL.
Unfortunately, some time ago my W took her ring off, about a week later I took mine off.
My conflict now is, love is something I do regardless of what she does. I took it off because she did. Do I put it back on now as an ACT of love? If so, will that be seen as pressure or imposing what I want on her when she doesn't want that right now?
I think that might be a good way to start a conversation with her about what's going on with you. Would she be willing to talk about it?
Let's say you opened with something like, " I've been thinking about putting my wedding ring back on. How do you feel about that?" And then listen to what she says. If the conversation goes well, you could work in the part about believing that love is a verb. That might give her some food for thought.
Dude, y'all are in a cycle that has remained static and become a rut.
She does something or doesn't do something, you react accordingly, she responds to that, ad infinitum ad nauseum.
That is a negative cycle leading y'all down the wrong road. The only way to break it is to break it whether you feel like it or not.
If you are someone who wears a wedding because you're married, then put the ring on. If you don't want to wear a ring no matter if or who you're married to, then never put it on again.
You wear pants at work. You wear a ring if you're married. Put it on and don't say a word. If she brings it up, simply say, "I'm a married man so I wear my ring." That's not putting pressure on anyone. You didn't wear the ring because you had feelings for her (because you had those before the wedding, right?), nor because she had feelings for you (ditto)...but because you stood up in front of God and everyone and committed yourself. The ring is a symbol of that commitment. You're still committed (right?), so the ring is appropriate.
No offense, but doing this stuff in order to initiate conversations is a cheeseless tunnel. Do it because it means something to you, and do it without expectations of anything reciprocal.
This all feels so complicated, I know, but you've got to get to a place where it's simple, where you're doing things because you want to, and that's all. Just detach and do, bro, detach and do because you want to and it's the right thing...not to cause some desired result.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL, These are the kind of posts that really make you a blessing here. Yes, and YES, don't do it for her, because of her, to get a reaction from her.
If you want to wear the ring, wear it. If not don't. If she feels pressured by the action, that's her issue, not yours. If you feel bad because she doesn't wear hers, that's your issue, not hers. Deal with it.
this is worth repeating
Quote:
This all feels so complicated, I know, but you've got to get to a place where it's simple, where you're doing things because you want to, and that's all. Just detach and do, bro, detach and do because you want to and it's the right thing...not to cause some desired result.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
