Thank you Saffie. I do understand what you mentioned regarding when they start to turn. I struggle with that now and feel so much guilt. I was praying, (no, I'm not nuts and don't generally hear voices), and felt like God said to me, you said in anger to her last year that she has prayed for change and now that change is here she isn't interested much like praying for God to heal cancer and when the healing comes later than you think it should you say, no thanks God, I would rather just suffer now. You are guilty of that now, I'm healing her and it didn't come when you wanted so now you cross your arms and pout, refuse my gift?
I wish I knew if I wanted her. Only here and in IC can I be this honest. I just don't know. God help me. My IC said to visualize the faces of my children, (similar in ages to yours, 14, 12, 10, 6) and say the words, I can't try any longer. Feel it fully. Now think again about whether you can keep on trucking or not.
Now? The thought of the pain those words would cause them forces me to push on.
Some days the only thing that keeps me rockin' is a mantra I picked up after watching a special on TV about a man that pushes his son in a wheelchair while running marathons and competing in the Ironman. He does it because it makes his son feel alive. This father said, Love is a verb, it's what we do, not what we feel.
So some days, tyler is the lunatic in walking along saying to himself, Love is a Verb.
