thanks for stopping by over here on my very quiet thread.... I like to look at it as a "retreat" of sorts from those busy, "high traffic" threads!
OK, let's see:
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Yes, they SHOULD be able to be safe and accepted for who they are. They should also be able to modify their primal needs to adapt (not suppress, but adapt) their needs to fit their relationships.
I totally agree. Easier said than done though perhaps. I think for my H it is not the primal need of "going out" per se. It is the belief that he will always just disappoint anyone who he really loves (interestingly enough that was my way to protect myself from hurt in the marriage: show my disappointment.) and that he does not deserve unconditional love. Yes, all issues he needs to deal with. He is a smart, sensitive guy... I hope he finds the courage to go there one day.
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And, in a healthy relationship, you can SAY these things to your partner without fear of rejection. IF your partner is at the same spiritual and emotional place you are at.
Very often we find that we, as the LBS, move beyond the WAS's ability to grow.
Agree completely. Neither of us were at that place before. Sure at times but as we got more distant from each other this became less and less. Also, as smart as I am do you know I never really understood the compassion and flexibility needed for a healthy R... I thought it was all about being a strong woman who does not bend. (Old me: Compromise ?? what's that????? )
I have grown tremendously in these 2 years... I mean huge stuff... such a change in the way I view life, my accountability, people etc... (but a def. "work in progress" )
My H has regressed in a sense but on the other hand he is also living that part of his life that was the "bad boy". To which I say "go for it, H".
In the end I would only want him in my life is that is his choice.
Uh and yup, this does indeed suck... big time! Wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy... I do believe though that everything happens for a reason.
All I can do is ground and love myself, and enjoy life now. Who will show up to my life "party"? I dunno, it would be nice if it were H but if not it will be a wonderful someone else. (whoever it is they will be one lucky guy!!! )
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Some great stuff here, in terms of your own growth. Frank D started a discussion about this on DNQ's thread - forget which one - did you read it? Very interesting.
My take on acceptance is that there are behaviours that you can accept in someone, but still not want to be with him/her. For instance, I can accept that my H is self-centered in the extreme. That's part of who he is, BUT I don't want a partner like that. Unless he worked at changing that, I wouldn't want to be with him.
I think it's important for us to respect ourselves, while at the same time, accepting our Ss. Honey, you're not Jesus, and neither am I! We can strive to love perfectly, but we are still human, with human needs.
I do agree that, in a healthy R, we must be able to show the human side of ourselves, the side that pouts, cries, yells. But behaviour that is destructive of self or others can be accepted, but not tolerated. IOW, if your H's behaviour is desructive of your R, you don't have to accept it, IMHO. You don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of "unconditional love." You can still love him, but maybe he needs more maturity for you to want to be his wife.
You are doing wonderfully well, Brava.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thanks so much for the wonderful post. This whole process is def. a learning experience.
I had to laugh at your Jesus comment. So true. Dont think I will be changing water t wine anytime soon ( too bad, I could use a nice chilled glass of white wine right about now! )
I totally agree on accepting. You can accept someone and then decide that you do not want them (or that behavior) in your life.
Ah , sigh....
thanks for telling me that I am doing alright... coming from you that is a huge compliment!!!!!!!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
SO, this is an issue I had always had with myself: trying to be strong and perfect and together... afraid to show my "weak" soft side. These 2 years have shown me that I can be perfectly imperfect and enjoy and accept that. From there I can gently create shifts in my life that I want. (without beating myself or any one else up in the process!)
This is something that I've learned over this time as well. You put it very well here. I wish I was better at showing my underbelly--guess I have a lot of time to work on that!
You also said:
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as smart as I am do you know I never really understood the compassion and flexibility needed for a healthy R... I thought it was all about being a strong woman who does not bend. (Old me: Compromise ?? what's that????? )
This is the exact opposite of me. I caved every time because I was afraid that standing up would make my H think less of me and therefore love me less. Funny how we can both go so wrong on opposite ends of the spectrum. Another lesson learned.
well, in reply to your post ... the best thing I beleive we can do is be gentle with ourselves and enjoy this journey fo growht and leanring that we are experiencing. Honestly, I was working on myself a teeny bit before my H left but now I am tearing down the foundation and building things up again... a slow process but its about the process not the goal.
I have to pop over to your thread. How are you???
I have been in a phase of some lurking but mostly a break from the boards.
A lot has happened with me and my R. I turned 37 on the 29th and decided to wear my ring again and chose to hang around in seperationsville for now.
I had an amazing lunch last Weds with my H where i apologized for my anger and such this last year. I did something very unlike me: I opened and and iso making big excuses or blaming I just admitted that I get jealous of all those people that get his time. I said I realized that he had been trying to introduce me to his friends and I just didnt know how to react (he said: "I know") I cant really describe the interaction. We both started to tear up and he just kept whispering "sorry". I kept saying it was ok and I understood that he did what he had to do to take care of himself. I finally said that he does not need to apologize but I accept his apology. There were lots of hugs and kind words... I went into that interaction with no expectations and experienced unconditional love and in return the Universe/God gave me this beautiful response from my H. Wow!
Tonight with my 2 best friends I went to that bar/club where my H spends his Mondays. It was so hard but I did it. (It helped that I had on a new sexy dress and looked pretty darn good! ) My friends were great. My H was all over the place: Introducing me to all his friends as his wife one moment and then the next minute disappearing to the bathroom or something. So , finally, I have been there, met his friends and even met some of the skanky females they know at the bar. Done. Check. I went, I saw , and I left my mark. My bfs both said he looked nad sounded so sad and they also said he is clearly still in love with me.
It was actually good to see his confusion ... it made me realize that that is where he is at and it is pointless to make him out to be some jerko or some victim. Anyway, he kept thanking me for coming. An emotional experience but a good one.
big sigh...
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Just when you thought that there would never be another update... tahhh dahhhhhh ... here I am.
WEll, nice fossil hunting trip with H 2 Sat. ago. Limited contact since then.
He is going to Italy with his friends . . .Ah well.
The exciting news is that I am focusing on me... and spending money on it! I have signed up for Spiritual Divorce coaching (through Debbie Ford website). I have been looking for a R coach a bit more suited to MLC or just in general no pressure to divorce. (I want to make that decision for me... not because someone thinks I should.)
So had my first session today. Very cool. pricey as heck but hey, I am ready go into a bit of debt if it helps me let go and grow.
I have also spent a weekend at the Options Institute in Mass. It is the center by the Kaufmans of "Happiness is a Choice". Very cool. I am hooked. I have signed up for 2 seperate week long programs.
So, yup, I am working on me (learning lots about how I have let external things/people determine my happiness) and loving it!
Trying not to focus on H and R. ... he is unhappy but plugging along... he has to find his own answers.
big hug to all!!!!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
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brava