You're getting some great advice here ... from your weekend sounds like you're pulling away and I see this as a good thing. To me, it looks like you're going into yourself in order to work out what to do next ... you know the DB way, but you also have your own needs, I went through a bit of this too ... knowing things had to change, but not being 100% sure of the right thing to do ... but in this case I think the last 2 posters have got it spot on ... food for thought.
And onto the flooding - no, nothing down my way, but I live on a hill in the North Downs, the area is pretty safe from flooding, thankfully. I've seen the pics on the news though - looks awful!! Any ducks gone past your window?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
You are right when you say there is nothing my H can say or do if he is telling the truth or indeed if he is lieing. I can't seem to figure out what I need to be able to drop this either so you do make a lot of valid points.
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He chose me. He chose us. We almost lost everything, but instead have the chance to create a marriage that we never even gave the effort to-- until we knew what we could lose. That's all that matters to me.
What matters to you?
You are so very right, thank you for making me think about this point. I have nearly lost him once and it hurt like hell and its not that I want to lose him now, I suppose I just want to know he's truly mine or something and I can see I'm going the wrong way about it right now because of the pain I felt when I found the letter.
Thank you again for such a thought provoking post.
I'm kind of glad you say it would deeply bother you too as it has me and I'm starting to feel like I'm wierd for it bothering me. The "ow" said she was in limbo because she wanted to know if my H wanted to be with her or not. According to him he never was with her or wanted to be. This letter was written about 3 months ago which was 3 months after my H came home, its just that I only found it 2 weeks ago.
He no longer has an itemised phone bill so I cannot actually check if he is still contacting her but I know the contact had greatly diminished down to one or two texts a month the last 2 months he had itemised billing. He says these were in response to joke texts she sent him. I believe him on this as he showed me the joke texts although I didn't know he sent a response to them. He says that he very rarely bumps into her at work and that since she sent me a text a couple of months back he has not had anything to do with her as it freaked him out.
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How can your h expect to continue any type of R with her if he is essentially calling her nutty or dishonest?
Yes, exactly my thoughts. He isn't really continuing a R with her of any sorts now he says but the fact that he continued to be friendly towards her in any way after she sent the letter really bothers me. He says he put her straight at the time but cannot remember the exact words he used or her response. This I do find hard to believe as it is a pretty major thing to forget IMO.
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Her comment about being horny and needing him to oblige--is that a quote?
Yes those are her exact words - very sickening indeed. Those words are haunting me and make me cringe. As I say he is adamant there was never anything more than someone to talk to on his side and he thought that is what it was from her side too until he got this letter which he says was completely out of the blue and the contents have not been said before or since by her.
We will have been married 7 years in September and he has never done anything like this before. Until I found this letter I completely believed him that she was just someone he texted A LOT to help him sort out his head when we were separated and he helped her with her R problems. Whilst I wasn't happy about it I accepted it and was extremely pleased the texts diminished drastically when he came home. If he is telling the truth the only thing I can think is she got miffed that he kind of "used" her as a shoulder to cry on. What I don't understand though is why such a letter would be written 3 months after he came back. Surely if she felt like this about the R she would have said something before he came home or just after. Not sure if that is something in his favour or not really.
You ask what I want and what he wants. I want to be with him but want the security back that I felt prebomb and I want to feel I am more important to him than anything. H says he just wants to be happy and for the arguing to stop. Yeah wouldn't we all.
Thank you so much for pondering on my behalf it truly helps to hear what others think.
Perhaps you're right about me going into myself to work things out. I just feel so low I can't think straight right now. The last 2 posts have given me a lot to think about for sure. I know I don't want my M to end and I know I love him more than anything but I just can't figure out what I need to be able to put this horrible letter behind me.
Thankfully no ducks have gone past my window LOL!! (you always manage to make me laugh regardless, thank you) Thankfully it was only my garden that flooded and it has mostly gone now but there are a lot of roads around us that are still impassible. It has only spotted with rain today thank goodness so hopefully things can dry out a bit now. One good thing came out of it though - we had a wasps nest in a crack in the grass and it would appear they have maybe been drowned out.
I tried my very hardest yesterday to act happy. H was in bed until early evening as he is on night shift. I didn't mention being upset or the letter at all. We had dinner, played with S and put him to bed and then H went to work.
Not mentioning it left me feeling very down, lonely and upset. I am starting to feel very depressed I can tell because I don't feel like doing anything and am not enjoying doing things I normally would. If I don't bring it up H doesn't bring it up as he seems to think that means everything is OK. He hugged me when he left for work and I just felt nothing. I don't know what to do. All my feelings seem to have vanished since I found this letter. Because I don't know what to believe its like I don't want to be hugged or anything else until I know but at the same time I know I will never ever know for sure.
I don't think he would keep on insisting nothing had happened if it had but there are certain things in the letter that I just cannot see why they would be written otherwise. I just want to get back to where we were a couple of months ago when it was so lovely but I have no idea how to. One thing I do know is that H won't get us back to there - he doesn't seem to have a clue how to. He doesn't say anything to tell me how much he loves me or anything - things that I think would help me make sense of all this. All I feel is empty towards him and anger towards her. How could she do this. She must have the skin of a Rhino to carry on texting him after writing such a letter of lies (as H says it is). And to stand there in MY kitchen and not even be able to look me in the eye. Well maybe now at least I know why she couldn't look me in the eye, or partly, was it because she was having an A with MY H or just because she knew only days before she had written a letter to him about how she wanted him?
Sorry I'm rambling I know but I really just don't know what to do to sort my brain out.
Had a terrible weekend. H is confused. Doesn't know if he loves me enough for me basically because he hasn't been able to find the right words to say to make me believe what he says about the letter. All my fault, yes I know. All weekend he says he's not sure if he wants to be with me. I cried a lot and could feel my chest tightening in panic but then I managed to calm down and I talked to him calmly about why I had been like I have since I found the letter. How it made me feel, how difficult it was to know what to believe. I also told him how a few weeks ago when it seemed all was wonderful I had been happier than I can remember so I couldn't understand why he now thought he didn't love me enough for me. After this talk he suddenly about turned and said he knows he loves me he's just confused about whether he can give me what I need and doesn't see why he should have to love me in a different love language to what he feels comfortable to. He thinks it means he doesn't love me if what he does doesn't show me.
I just feel so heartbroken and worn out and numb from it all. It feels strange when he hugs me because of what he's said. I don't feel like he loves me now whereas I was sure he did a few weeks ago. He says he isn't back to the beginning feelings wise but probably now feels how he felt about 3 months ago - ie: 3 months into the reconciliation. I feel so crushed by this. I just don't think I can do it all again to make him love me again. Should I even have to do things to make him love me? I just don't know anymore, I'm so tired of it all and just want to be loved and feel secure. He's gone to work and I'm back to thinking he'll come home and say its over. I'm sure I cannot be the only person who has ended up feeling so drained by all this that they cannot go on another day like it. I just need some happiness. I don't know how to get it anymore and am wondering if he is right and he maybe never will love me the same again and then am I just selling myself short?
Right girl!!! Are you a mouse or are you one darn amazing woman!?!
I had 2 bombs - you CAN get through this, but it's going to be a case of not saving your M but completely demolishing it and building up a brand new and better one.
Sit down with the DR book and go back on your goals - I think it's chapter 6 where there's the bit "I'm Discouraged". Read and re-read DR, it can do only good.
Yes your H is going to have to step up to the plate but it doesn't look like he's got the strength to, so you are going to have to have the strength for both of you. Sounds draining, doesn't it? Time to go and GAL GAL GAL girl!!! Make your H see this strong, intelligent, wonderful woman that we can all see and he will be attracted.
and if you say you can't GAL I will scream!! no - better, I will get in my car and drive up north and make you GAL your butt off!!!
You can do this - it's not the end, it's just another bump on this rollercoaster. One of my friends said THE most perfect thing for me when I got my second bomb:
"Marriage is like a maze. If you go down one route and it's the wrong one you turn about and pick a different direction"
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jen Hi!! I need your help so much,thank you for your post!
I felt like crying all day long yesterday. I think I did cry almost all night. I will re read DR as you suggest but will not have time until tonight after my little boy is in bed. I like what your friend said and it does help me to see that maybe all is not lost. I did kind of GAL yesterday I think. I took S to his playgroup even though I really didn't feel like it and when H came home I was in the middle of baking. (Sad things I know but I am a stay at home Mum).
H started a R talk by saying "you look like your struggling to be happy and cheery". (err yes you could say that). I said I didn't understand what was happening or what he was saying and he said he doesn't either. He said he hasn't said he doesn't love me and hasn't said he's leaving. So I asked him what it was he was saying because I didn't understand. He said he can't put his finger on it. Something just clicked on Sunday he says and he knows he loves me but there's just something he can't explain and can't put his finger on what it is. He says when he knows what it is he will come and talk to me about it not just up and leave. He said he's so so sorry I'm in so much pain. I told him I wanted him to just go because I feel like that is what is going to happen shortly and I'd rather just know now. He said he'd sleep on the floor because he didn't have anywhere to go. I said so it is over then and he said I wasn't giving him any choice because I'd just said I wanted him to go. I told him I didn't want that, it is the last thing in the world I want but that when I'm hurt I say these things to maybe try to "frighten" him into snapping out of it. I apologised for it. This morning he woke briefly when I got up to see to S and he looked at me as though he felt sorry for me and held my hand and said "I'm sure it will all be sorted out". I told him last night I didn't think I had the strength to do it again and I was sorry. He says he might come to me and say "I know what it was now and I was just being silly lets forget about it" or he might come to me and say "I know what the problem is now it is this". I know I need to go back to detaching and not trying to work out for him what the problem is but after how beautiful it was a few weeks ago I'm finding it so hard. It is harder than before because it had been awful for a long time but now I know what it can be like I'm terrified of losing it all, of losing him. What do you think? Does it sound bad to you?
OK so now he's saying he knows he loves me but just doesn't know how much. He doesn't think he loves me as much as I love him or as much as he thinks he should do. He says he doesn't think he will end up leaving but he doesn't know for sure. I can't take it anymore I just really cannot bare it. He says he knows we can be happy because we were until I found the letter. He says his feelings are all muddled. I don't understand and I don't know what to do. I feel like I just want to cry and cry until I don't exist anymore because it is just so painful existing like this. I can't even get any support from anyone because I don't want them all to hate him again if it turns out to be just a little blip. And my poor little boy is going to have to go through it all again. I just wish I wasn't here. I wish I'd never found the letter and said the things I've said that have made him doubt his feelings for me. I hate myself and I hate him for being so weak minded.
OK so now he's saying he knows he loves me but just doesn't know how much. He doesn't think he loves me as much as I love him or as much as he thinks he should do. He says he doesn't think he will end up leaving but he doesn't know for sure. I can't take it anymore I just really cannot bare it. He says he knows we can be happy because we were until I found the letter. He says his feelings are all muddled. I don't understand and I don't know what to do. I feel like I just want to cry and cry until I don't exist anymore because it is just so painful existing like this. I can't even get any support from anyone because I don't want them all to hate him again if it turns out to be just a little blip. And my poor little boy is going to have to go through it all again. I just wish I wasn't here. I wish I'd never found the letter and said the things I've said that have made him doubt his feelings for me. I hate myself and I hate him for being so weak minded.
Gosh inpain, I wish I could hug you right now. The pain is so apparent.
My IC recently clued me into something and maybe you already know. When my W says, "I can't love you as much as you love me", it's due to her low self-image. She doesn't think she can ever be that good, love that much. My W has a lot of mental/emotional damage right now and my IC is helping me to understand where a lot of this is coming from.
I wonder if this isn't the case with your H?
To not be able to receive the awesome gift of love you offer, not only that but to self-destruct via OW?
I think this is a man that doesn't know what to do with love like this so he has to destroy it. I think that is what is going on inside of him whether he realizes it or not.
I realize this isn't helping you much inpain, yet I hope you see that this isn't about anything you should, could or would have done.
This is about him not being able to see himself as worthy of someone like you and his only out is to make you want to leave. Which would reinforce his belief that he doesn't deserve it.
All my fault, yes I know. 
