Love, what is it, is it real, does it matter?

[toughlover]

OK, I'm sorry in advance for what follows, but you asked for it, and I'm living up to my name now

What if you go through life never finding one person to be married to, live with,

You already have. End of story.

lose yourself with?

Dude, you are really missing the point. You don't lose yourself in another person. The goal is to find yourself by losing yourself in God. By living a Godly, obedient life in service and true love to others. And it has to start with your inner circle, your wife and kids. I'm not talking about romance here because in many ways true love is anything but romantic.

Are you a failure?

You are only a failure if you abdicate responsibility. You already have a commitment to your wife and kids. You have to provide certain things whether they respond in kind or not. That's what it means to be a man. You will suffer, but you should know that suffering is part of it and is supposed to be. God suffers with us, too; He suffers for us and because of us.

What if, despite your best efforts, the M/R fails?

Who cares? We all fail at some point because we're human. The key is to make sure it doesn't fail because of YOU. That's YOUR choice. If she walks away from you when you're giving her your best (truly, from the heart and from your strength, not just going through the motions or keeping up appearances), then you will have to accept her choice.

Are you a failure?

Asked and answered.

Does it matter who you 'lose yourself' with?

Absolutely. If you lose yourself in romantic love you're essentially throwing your life and your character away. That's how affairs begin in the first place. You have to have something better.

Does it have to be the same person for the rest of your life? If so, why?

Because you made a commitment to do and give your best "for richer or poorer, in sickness in health, til death do you part."
Whether she does or not. In other words, no matter what.

If my W decides she doesn't want to be with me and wants to divorce, I'll be OK. I'll survive, and I'll be able to be happy. I'll be the kind of person I should be and 'be there for me'. Will I have failed to fullfill my purpose in life?

Who knows? Depends on whether you truly give it everything at this point or if you only give if she gives back or if she gives first. That was a choice you could in good conscience make before you committed your life to that person. Now, you're committed to giving your best regardless because you are a husband and father and that's at the top of the list of how a man can be a real man. You may not get what you want at this point but your job is to be there for your kids and to be constant. You don't have to chase your wife or let her walk all over you if she's treating you badly. But you have a job to do nonetheless.

If the answer to those questions is that we are not failures, and if love is a choice, then why not choose to move on to someone else, try again?

You can do that if you so choose...but you have no idea how that's going to affect your kids, your wife, and you down the road. In my opinion, you're chasing what everyone who has affairs chases...an ideal, a feeling. You don't have that luxury anymore, bro. You're married. Either your word means something, or it doesn't. Anyone can be holy when things are going their way; anyone can be strong when they're getting what they want. It's only when the heat is on that we find out what we're really made of, who we really are. This is where the rubber hits the road. We can give our children the gift of our commitment to them (and your commitment to your wife is also a commitment to your children).

Why is love 'special', at least over time?

Dude, it's time to cowboy up. It's special over time because time reveals the quality of your word, your commitment. Love is the acceptance of responsibility for a relationship. It's a decision, a choice. You've made your choice and so has she. You can either live up to it, or not...but you need to do it because of who YOU are and who God is. Nothing bad can come from you for staying strong for your children or for standing for your marriage. Plenty bad can come from you giving up...and make no mistake, choosing to abandon the marriage is still giving up, to some degree, on our kids. Your wife may divorce you anyway, and you may not have any choice legally, and you may have to accept that. But you don't have to choose it.

Is self love (not conceit) the first love you should have?

I don't know what that means. The first love you should have is for God. If you do that, everything falls into place. It may not fall in the direction you want (because every human being has free will) all the time, but it's all about who you decide to be and how you respond to the choices of those around you.

When two people marry, they become one flesh. You love yourself by loving your wife and loving your kids. And you can't love them by walking away from the commitment.

I think there is something special in a love between two people over a life time. I think that together, a couple can acheive heights of closeness and understanding that enrich life and the world.

But that is the by-product of their character and their commitment. Neither you nor your wife have any idea about what you can achieve together until you both commit to it...but just b ecause she isn't following through, you don't have the right to take your ball and go home, or go play somewhere else.

I'm sure glad I didn't...but I often wanted to. Neither my wife or I expected things to be this good. Feminists be damned...you're the man, be a leader. Love your wife and kids and give them your best, give your wife as much as she's willing to accept, and give to her more by respecting her space if that's what she wants. And see what happens.

There is something to love. I think part of DB is Loving and learning to Love each other, without so many questions. Just do it. But the questions interest me anyway.

DB is about choosing your marriage and your commitment, and making the choices that give you your best shot at making it the best it can be.

Hey, in the end, it's always your choice. If we simply based our most important choices on how we feel at any given time, or what our outlook for the future is at any given time, instead of doing what's right, then the world would be even worse off than it is.

In fact, most of the world's messes involve people breaking the rules. We talk alot about how our kids are the future...then have affairs, divorces, remarriages, et al while comforting ourselves with nonsense like "kids are resilient" and putting computers in their classrooms.

But what they need most, and what is best for them, is an intact family.