I'll post when I get back from class in a bit. Nothing new (tho more of the same is Good!) in my sitch. You know how I've (we've) been pretty much RE-acting to whatever H doesn/doesn't do? Well, apparently, I've got the boy RE-acting to something I said last week. He also told S to have me call him, but I slid out from under that one, too. . . . Ahhh, I feel the slide of Power shifting.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Ok, here's one for you partner. I keep telling myself think long-term. I've got the end of the year in my mind's eye and have for about a month, which is about a seven-month timeline from when I think I finally got my DB act together. It's not so much that I think something has to have happened by then. It's just that I needed to pick a point relatively far in the future to keep me from pinging too much on each and every day's interactions (although I still monitor each days details fairly intensely). I've told myself "what's six more months? I can do that." But then there are days when that seems like an eternity.
So, here you are: nine months from the initial bomb, eight months from the D Bomb, and six months from the start of DBing. You look to all of us to be a pro at this stuff. Unfortunately, your H is . . . shall we say . . . somewhat difficult. It's like you drew the toughest bull in the bull-riding contest. As a result, you recently implemented a major shift in strategy that seems to be working very well. Kudos to you all around! It is truly inspirational.
So, here's the question: What are you thoughts on how long you've been at this? Would you say the six months since DBing began have flown or crawled, or something in between? How hard has it been to last this long? Any other thoughts/tips for the rest of us on patience and the generally "long-term" nature of this beast? Or any other thoughts/tips for us on anything?
Thanks in advance j!
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
nothing like a tall order here! I'm telling you...you and Still should ditch the law/Pilates schtick and go this route. You are both naturals! I think that you both have a real chance at B'ing this D! And Nomopo, in my mind, you're still a BABY!
Still, I will be really interested in your thoughts, and would love your take on my latest effort (which runs counter to you and Sunny, but I think right in line with your previous advice to me to SHOW, not talk...)
H: "Just so you know, before you hear it from the kids. I'm seeing someone. And the kids are going to be around her." Me: [dead air] And? H: "Just so you know." Me: Fine. H: "I didn't want you hearing it frot the kids first." Me: "Don't tell me. Tell your L" H: I am. I will. You don't think I know that it's gonna cost me? (and more of the same) Me: Just so you know, I'm going to be away the wk your mother's here. The kids can reach me by phone & I'll call them. (& back & forth about whether the 'garage' constitutes the 'house' I said there was no need for him/mom/kids to be in while I was gone) H: Fine. If you don't want to see my mom . . . Me: I didn't say I didn't want to see her, I said I was going to be gone! Sheesh! (attitude) H: Look. All I wanted to say was that I was seeing someone -- Me: You forget I know you, J. It isn't a surprise. H: [dismissive squint] Yeah, if you knew me so well, why are we here [D'ing]? Me: I never said I didn't do things wrong. I just said I knew you. I know I wasn't a good W. I didn't do what I should have -- H: So how many times -- What's this the 3rd time you've admitted to being wrong? You think I don't know that I did things wrong, too? That I'm partly to blame? Me: I've never heard that before. It's always been me that's been fully at fault & caused all this. You've been sitting in your hole saying 'I tried everything. I did everything I could & it was HER'. H: No, it's not. I've said it before. Me: Oh, no. You've always pointed at me and blamed me and played poor victim you. If you thought to stop hiding in your hole & look at things -- H: Whatever. We don't need to rehash this whole thing. (moving closer to the door) There's no point -- Me: No. There is no point, is there. So why are we still here? What's taking so long to end this? H: I'm working on it! It's in the works, believe me. I've needed time to get the money together, to get things going. It's gonna happen. You just need to have a little more patience. Me: Patience? J, it's been 6 months! How much longer [something] (then idiotic, back & forth, about who's gonna say the last word as H is standing outside the front door holding the doorknob telling me he'll let me have the last word & me saying 'no, no. You go' - very smartazz & borderline weirdly-teasing)
Ouch. Something to tell the C in an hr.
(And I'll get back to your ques. soon, Nomo) j.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I'm very sorry. I know that was rough. FWIW, I think you handled it better than could have been expected (and much better than I would have handled it). I was happy (or was it relieved or vindicated?) to hear him FINALLY admit that he did some things wrong. Weird that that would come up now.
I don't know. I want to noodle on this some more. I'm not sure what, if anything, this means for your DB efforts. My gut tells me nothing, necessarily. I know it is VERY tough on an emotional level. Take some times for yourself. Give it 24-48 hours before you do anything (I know you will). Part of me wonders if this is a reaction to his thinking you are "out there." Hmmmm. More later.
Hang in there, and HUGE hugs, Nomopo
PS - blow my question off.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Actually, after i got past the "oh sh$t" part, nomo's thought was mine as well... maybe H was feeling threatened by not being the 'in control' guy and acting out. The way he approached it makes it sound like it's a recent 'event'.
. . . Ahhh, I feel the slide of Power shifting.