New to this.....feeling down

[~Sol]

My guard is not down. I know what she did with that guy....she fell in love with him and that still bothers me greatly. I have flash backs about that and I can't stand listening to certain types of music now because she was so into that creep.

She is still not being honest with me, but I am ready to let her go if that's what she wants. I know what she is trying to do.....throw her guilt trip on me. It's not happening. She already broke me once and I am not going back to that. I don't see us being "back together" without serious counseling. Right now I have never disliked her as much as I do now.....it's almost to the point of despising her, but she made her choice, and she has to live with that choice. I have no idea whether she had sex or not with him, I only suspect, but I know her feelings for him are still there and very real.

She is feeling guilty because she told someone that she is breaking up her family.....and its eating at her. Well, my anger is subsiding a lot, and it's helping me to focus on doing the things I want to do - without her in my life. She's out of the house now, and I have every right to sell it if I wanted to. But I am looking after my daughter's and SS's interest. I love my wife but not as a wife - I am not in love with her. She's a human being that tore my heart out by cheating and now by moving out...if she wants back she WILL go to all the counseling we need and she WILL freakin stop lying about her affair, admit she had one and made a mistake....

Too much damage has been done. I still remember those sleepless nights 7 months ago, and all the crying I did. I'm in a better place now, not the best place yet, but I am getting there....