Hello everyone, I am new here and this is my first post. I thought if maybe I could get things off my chest it would help me to feel better. I used to feel as though I was the only one out there experiencing this, but I see now that I am not alone. I am deeply sorry for any of you who have had to experience a loss of affection from your spouse. It hurts deeply and leaves scars that many other people just cannot understand, including the spouse.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years now. The first two years were wonderful and exciting. We were very active with each other and the kids (I have two from a previous marriage). The affection and intimacy was what I had always dreamed of. Stealing looks at each other, little kisses, hugs, holding hands, laughter, playing and the sex was great….and frequent. It seems like it all stopped literally overnight. I still, to this day, do not know what went wrong. I try to talk to him about it, and he gets so angry with me. I cry so frequently, it hurts so badly. He says all I think about is sex. That's so not true. I miss the intimacy and affection. Snuggling, hugs, kisses, jut touching period. There is no sex. It may happen once every two to three months. And when it does, he is so far gone from me. He just gets it done and then he’s done. I don’t get any pleasure. He used to be all about pleasing me, we pleased each other, but now…it’s all gone. So, in the end, he has done his deed so I'll shut up for three more months, and he's left me unfulfilled. I have tried everything. I am a very clean person, hygiene is very important to me. I am not over weight, I do not nag him. I praise him for all he does for us, I keep the house clean (I also work full time), and I try to show him affection if he allows it. The kids stay once a week at their grandparent's house, so we do have the opportunity, he just doesn’t take it. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him, and I have never been unfaithful. He says he is not being unfaithful, that it’s not me, it’s him, etc…etc…I’m sure a lot of you have heard that. I am so sex deprived though; it is really putting a strain on me. I get depressed, I am so lonely. He will ask me why I am sad all the time, and I just shrug it off. When I do tell him it’s because he is so distant, he gets upset, does the whole rolling of the eyes, and walks away. Why does he even ask me, if he knows why I am sad? Does he even care what this does to me? We can still laugh and have fun together sometimes, if he is willing. We used to play darts, pool, ping pong, you name it. We were friends, but at times I feel as though I am just living with a roommate now. He is so distant.
What can I do to make this better? I am sad and lonely and frustrated. I honestly don’t want to get a divorce, but at the same time I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, unaffectionate relationship.
You are absolutely correct, you are not alone. There are several of us ladies (and men) in the same situation you are in.
If I understand your post correctly...the first two years of your marriage you guys had a healthy sex life. Is that correct? This wasn't just something that started shortly after you got married right? Were there any major events that happened around the time that the sex began declining? Does he have any health issues? Major work issues?
I also hate to bring this up...but I must, are you POSITIVE there isn't another woman in the picture?
It sounds like he's going through some sort of depression. Have there been any major changes in your life? I do know you need to talk to him about and get it out in the open.
No its not fair to you, it seems like he only cares to fulfill his needs and that's it.
does he ever want to talk about things?
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Just curious what are the ages? Like others have said can you think of anything that happened during that time frame?
It is so hard to have a husband like this I know. I also use to think I had done everything just right. But I have found that I have contributed to this some. It was the hardest thing to do when I started putting a spot light on me. : ( But I have made changes for the better.
My age is 29, and he just turned 43. A lot may think that is a huge age difference, but for us, it was perfect. We like the same things, ie, same music, hobbies, etc... We are just on the same level and are very compatible. NOthing major has happened in our lives. We did make a move (he is military), but he wanted the move, and he chose the place. He is happy here, or he says he is anyways. There have been no deaths in the family, no loss of anything. I just can't understand what it is. I try to talk about it, but he just won't do it.
And about the "other woman". I guess a person can never be to sure if there is someone else can they? He says there isn't, but that is always the first thing that comes to mind when your spouse stops having relations with you, sexual or otherwise. I hope he isn't. It would truly rush me.
After 2 years the chemical attraction fades for many actually most people. It may be that your H loves the initial buzz and when the day to day living kicks in he backs off emotionally.
You say you have 2 kids from a previous R maybe he has started to have some resentments over them not being his but realises if he told you this you would understandably be upset.
Was he married before or had a long term partner? Did he leave someone for you? It may be he is going through a mid life crisis and is questionng everything in his life right now.
Sometimes even having feelings for someone else can cause a withdrawal emotionally not necessarily an A. Tou have to decide how long you are prepared to continue in a R without any affection. I lived without for years but now that my kids are older would never tolerate this again.
I would rather live alone and struggle financially than to live with this mental cruelty. Did it for years don't do the same as me sort it out now and if he makes out it is you being unreasonable stand your ground you are in the right wanting affection in your M.
Actually, no, he would never resent the kids. The youngest is about to be adopted by him. HE is her "daddy". HE has raised her for 4 years as his. The oldest and he have a very close relationship. It is most definatly not that. And no, he wasn't married before, and was not in a long term relationship when we met. He was single and had been for awhile. We dated for two years before getting married. As far as having feeling for someone else, as I said before...a person may never really know this unless the Spouse tells them. He says he does not, that he loves me, so...I don't know.
Okay not the kids so that rules that one out. He was quite old not to have been in a long term relationship or married before. Suppose being in the military could be why rather than commitment fears.
Is he still affectionate with you in other ways maybe not so intense as before but still kisses you passionately or has all that ended too?
It just seems strange for a man to turn off so suddenly but maybe you should check out the madonna whore thread. If he was single for a long time he may have become hooked on porn and masturbation and while the first 2 yrs were good while the chemicals were strong he could be pleasuring himself rather than you. Also TTHO's H was using porn instead of ML to her and my H was doing the same so is a possibility.
You really need to tell him how his withdrawal of affection and lack of sex is affecting you and if he tries to disniss it as you are the one with the problem don't let him off the hook.
Only other thing I can think of is if he maybe has had an ED moment and that often causes guys to withdraw affection and not want to start something in case things don't work properly but from what you've said that sounds unlikely or you would have noticed but just a thought.
Maybe someone else can come up with a better idea or help but know that you are not being unreasonable wanting a healthy sex life.
My situation is so complicated. I guess that's why it confuses me and hurts so much. The affection and desire just stopped so suddenly. I was prepared for it at all. It didn't just dwindle off...it stopped! I know it seems strange, but honestly, porn and masturbation are not the problem I don't think. He never did like porn, and wasn't the type of guy to masturbate. Said he'd rather have the "real" thing. But of course, I know, he could be lying as well. On computers, he is more into sports than anything else. I just wish there were some sort of explanation. I have talked to him about it. He gets angry. I thought maybe it made him feel less of a man, or he was embarrassed, and I've tried to let him know that I am here for him...that communication has to be there, that I can't be left in the dark if there is a problem, because the lack of communication affects me as well. He doesn't want to talk about it. I love him so much, and the kids love him, and we are happy in other areas, just not the intimacy part, which is important as well. Very!! I want to be with him, there for him, but I can't do this for the rest of my life, always wondering what the problem is...is it me, is it someone else?
