I thought about that , may try it today. No progress from W yet has one foot out the door but seems as though she either not prepared to leap or she is arranging her ducks and is going to blindside me . Time will tell , I better get my butt off to a Lawyer just in case.
I went out last night, asked for her keys so I could shift her car and went o friends for a couple of hours. Got home later and said hello , sat down and started to watch TV. I can see W and her body language is all tense. After about 20 minutes of silence she couldnt help herself and asked " so where did you go ?" I told her " Just to Mikes to pick up a book I loaned him but he was not home so stopped in at J's for a coffee"
I went out last Monday nite as well but she never asked where , I guess it just got the better of her. I couldnt not tell her though.
W went to bed with barely a goodnight murmoured. This morning she came to me to give me a kiss goodbye again.
I dont know where things are headed but I have learned that it is important not to react to stuff she does or her moods. Just stay on course.
Its late here down under but time to put some thoughts and news down. W told me tonight she will move out on Friday. There started an emotional evening together and slowly W opened up and I kept validating what she was saying. She told me she thought we would be forever but I took her for granted , I said yes I see that , I am sorry. She is hurting bad and not at all happy with herself. We agreed to be friends and to work through things together, I talked about our House and W said she doesnt want to think about that. We have agreed as long as neither of us gets nasty we do not need attorneys as we both know they will cost us both. So there it is , we had a big long hug and both cryed but its over. No talk of OM at all . The boys will stay with me and we will look after D 50/50 but be guided by whats best for D , no tug of war. I gusee the best thing is we still trust each other.
Hey, Dave. Very good stuff, and I think you know you're in a good place. "You" being you-yourself, as well as "you" being your R w/W. Know what I loved the most about your post, tho? Did you hear yourself?
Quote:
She is <snip> not at all happy with herself.
So, W is regretting the "not-forever" part (still thinking about that is HUGE, I think), still blaming you for taking her for granted (Has she ever taken any responsibility for the failure of the M herself?), hurting & not happy -- That's alot of emotions to handle all at once & I cannot help but think she's got to - at some point - consider that SHE'S in control of her own emotions & happiness.
Again (I've brought it up before, & you've said it hasn't been mentioned in a long time), I think W might be open to a little C -- Couch it as it's for both of you to get over each other and on w/your lives in the best way you can for the kids, get the C'r to ask W to help you see how you've failed in the M & how you do it better in your future R's [w/whoever]. . . Whatever, but I think if W starts TALKING (uh, and not to an OM but to someone TRAINED to help her work THRU stuff & not cop out to it), it - coupled w/your New You, and the Better R you both have at this point - will be very powerful. Don'tcha think?
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I think Still is spot on here... might your W be agreeable to C to help with coparenting issues with your D? If so, then it might have other positive potential as well.
And as far as this: "we had a big long hug and both cryed but its over", is that what YOU think and want? If so, then okay. But your W still just seems so unsure, so all over the place about this...is it possible that "Friday" may not even arrive at the end of this week? I'm not suggesting you do anything differently than what you've been doing; just couldn't tell from your post what you want the next step to be...
But you are doing a great job at leaving that cage door open...
Just to let you know Dave, H & I had a similar talk/cry, it's all over, w/ him saying it was permanent. He even added that he already had an idea of a financial agreement for us. Fast forward 2 months & the picture doesn't quite look the same.
Your W doesn't appear to have much grounding yet.
You're doing a fine job of detaching & DBing- Keep it up!
Dave, Ditto here. You know what happened to me, but just a reminder, W had a job 1200 miles away and was going to take the kids with her. I agreed to everything and was setting up a sep. agreement. 24 hours before she had to officially accept the job, she backed down. 2 weeks later and she has not done anything else in any direction, but I think the guilt over the kids got to her.
Even if she leaves, she is not yet "gone".
Stay strong, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
So, W is regretting the "not-forever" part (still thinking about that is HUGE, I think), still blaming you for taking her for granted (Has she ever taken any responsibility for the failure of the M herself?), hurting & not happy --
She has said on a couple of occassions thats she has ruined the M . I have tried to get her to councelling many times over the last few years. I could see our problems and said to W we need someone to help us work out how to improve things. W always refused , thinking back she would always use the line " I am happy with how things are " and " you are the one with the problem not me ". But back then I was trying to get her to change , didnt realise that I had to change me.
(((L)))
Quote:
"we had a big long hug and both cryed but its over", is that what YOU think and want? If so, then okay. But your W still just seems so unsure, so all over the place about this...is it possible that "Friday" may not even arrive at the end of this week?
I am going to honest with you and I dont think its over, I am still open to trying however will never want to go back to our old M. With OM in the picture I dont see us making a lot of progress. One thing I struggle with is the amount of pain and hurt she is going through to do this , she tells me its something she has to do , has not laid any real blame on me. I was thinking wow this is a lot to go through to get rid of me but I dont think thats it. I think the major driver is guilt and possibly continuing with an A while living under the same roof is too much for her.
(((sunny)))
The big thing missing in everything W says is talking about anything permanent, She doesnt want to involve Lawyer, has never even said the D word , Is not interested in going to the IRD who administer child support. So she is carefully avoiding anything "official " and permanent. She even told me that there is no fixed contract on this appartment. Has no interest in discussing the future of the family home.
I still get the feeling she is doing this while trying to keep the door wide open to return. We have lived together since she she was 18, (lived together for a few years prior to getting married). Going out on her own is a big step , she even said last nite she was very scared.
SD
Yes I have followed your sitch and will believe this move when I see it. Its poorly thought out and I am sure she wont enjoy her new abode for too long.
A woman (relationship) is like a drop of water, if you try to hold it tight in your fist, it will disappear. You can only keep it if you let it lie on your open hand.
Let her go completely, not just physically, but also in your heart. Only then can you discover whether a new R can be built.
I know this is HARD, but it is the only possibility to move on to a better future for you both (together or separately).
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
