Stillme & the Plan

[Nomopo]

I believe someone posted on these boards in the last few days that they spoke with someone at Michele's office and they aren't particularly impressed with or don't agree with Homer's approach. I can't remember who posted that or anything more about what they said, but it was definitely something less than an endorsement, and they gave a reason. I realize they may be competitors, but there was a reason they didn't care for Homer's approach that made some sense to me. FWIW.

[C_K]

Nomopo

I think Homers stuff tends towards the "after the last resort technique" . A lot of DR is written for situations that are not hopeless and I can see that using Homers stuff when you are not prepared for the possibly negative consequences could be a disaster.

Dave

[stillme]

Nomo, about the not-believing some of the things (like taking all the blame etc) from my list, heck no, I don't believe it all - but H DOES!! At least, that's what he's been telling himself - and me. Those are his Reasons; the ones he's been clinging to that justify or support his D-decision & actions. As long as I'm arguing, he's gonna defend his position, so to stop arguing & start validating is great (DBing) R-wise. But H's heard me validate for months, tho, and STILL says (last Thurs.) "You think any of this is MY FAULT?!" To take it a step further & actually agree w/him can be very powerful (for me!)

Consider when someone has apologized to you - for something slight or something that's caused a longer fued/hurt -- What's your first reaction? "Oh, no. It wasn't only you. I was the one who first..." or "Well, I should've [or shouldn't have] [done this, or said that]". We rush in to take some of the blame! We're good people. We know the other person is Good, too. We end up on THEIR SIDE, defending them against us! It's only when one person apologizes (did that), and totally lays down belly-up for another that the weapons get put down.

Have you never got into a traffic-jam and said, "I should have known better & taken another route tonight." Does anyone hear, "Yeah, you should have, you stupid SOB."? No! It's "Yeah, there's always a bit of traffic on this route, but this is mnore than normal. It'll be okay." or whatever. Same theory.

[stillme]

So, in the interest of the Experiment:

H pops over unannounced/unplanned (again) this a.m. shortly after I got home from church and when I ask the kids what's up they say H is here to wash the carS! Huh?! (Remember S told me yest. that they couldn't go to church w/me this morn. b/c 'Daddy says we're going to be busy today'. What? -Busy washing my CAR?? Also, my car has been consistently clean - and H must surely have noticed this [thanks to the free car-wash coupons I got at the gym!] so there's been no need for him to take care of it as was his 'usual' H-job.)

Not 5min. after H gets there, BFF calls from her car as she's parking it at the curb & says, "J, what the heck is going on?! I get here & H is stripped down washing his car in your driveway??" I tell her just get in the house & I'll explain. She gets out of her car, says Hello to H & he gives her a nice long hug & asks how she's been. I'm out on the walkway then (wearing my new jeans that fit, heels & sparkly necklace), hug her myself & we go inside (w/NO notice taken of H). After a private convo I tell her we need to leave NOW (before H starts washing MY car) & we go.

Before we go, D has a meltdown b/c she wanted me to stay & play w/her. I told her I didn't know she was coming by & I already had plans to go out w/BFF. We talked about love & secret-kisses & I promised to call her later in the day. Also had S pull his M'Day coupon tacked ot the corkboard at my desk that said "Chair [sic] Up J" & told him I was cashing it in. So, w/S now D's to command, BFF & I left. BFF gave H another hug g'bye (I didn't acknowledge him at all) & we pulled away. Got to the end of hte street & realized she'd forgotten the CD she wanted me to hear, so we turned around & as I was waiting for her to get it from her car, H comes to my window & says "D is all upset that you're leaving." "I know. We talked. I told her I didn't know she was coming by this morning --" He was quick to say "I know -" but I cut him off any poss. explanation he might have been going for & finished " - & S said he would play w/her & cheer her up. She'll be fine." THEN we were able to leave.

So I called the kids while BFF & I were driving home from the mall & S volunteers "Daddy has a new car!" [turns out he got the Co.car he's been saying for the past year that he WOULDN'T get] and when D got on the phone she said they were eating wings at Gators. (I ALWAYS know what they're doing, where they're at, & who they're w/ -- and I never ask a thing!) She tried getting me to tell what BFF & I had done today, but I played silly & said "None ya' business, nosey-posey". When she asked "Do you want to talk to Daddy now?" I said "No, thanks. I have to go now, but I loooovvvve you!"

Brought BFF up to speed on the sitch, and The Plan and she agrees esp as I've explained H's reactions for the past few days.

------------

So I understand the reservations about Homer's advice. I don't agree w100% of it myself but, as with anything, am pickig & choosing what I think is best or most relevant for my sitch/our characters etc. ALOT of it is parallel-DBing (tho not expressed as well); SOME of it is surely worded pretty badly, or not explained well AT ALL; his writing & reasoning is convoluted & unclear and, well, exactly what you would expect from a 70-something y.o. man pontificating -- but much of it is good. I'll try to get some good notes together to post if anyone's interested to show what I mean.

[Reincarnated]

J, when you get the chance, come visit me. I did a "Homer" and agreed to it all today--and the results were something!
(And yes, this part is DBing, too. Not sure what clicked today, though).

[C_K]

j

Keep the info comming , we are all learning and Donna has had remarkable results!
I just love your new attitude too.

Dave

[stillme]

Hey Sunny! My fav. hiding place is my bed!! Honestly, I can see H looking everywhere (IF he had the desire to snoop) EXCEPT under my covers!! Most days I just fling the covers back from my side & slide the book/notebook/whatever under all the covers & bumpy comfortor on "H's" side. lol.

Thanks, Dave, I'm lovin' my new 'tude myself! Friend-A said I cracked her up (at the club) last night, even SHE didn't expect it all; & BFF told me today she saw it right away in my manner & then, when I explained the What & Why & How w/Results. . .she said "You GO, girl! H won't know what hit him."

Off to check on Donna.

[ItsKat]

You are one smart cookie, Still! I think you have assessed your situation and your H well and have figured out a great approach to take. It cracks me up the HE was giving YOU a guilt trip for leaving the house (when he was car washing). Have I told you today that you are my hero?

[SunnySeason]

You're in rare form Still

I'm not only admiring you, but gaining incentive to get back on my horse as well.

My hiding place is in the garage where no one whould prolly look. When H was here for the night a couple of days ago, I asked him if he took something I couldn't find that was both of ours. He said, "No, that's hidden in your closet" then looked stunned Oops, guess he's been looking around when I'm out GALing.

I'm trying to think of a place where I can sneak off & reference while he's here & not get caught. Maybe if I practice more I won't need the notes as much.

L&L,

Sunny

[Nomopo]

Hi! Again, almost on p. 6 and more than 24 hours. Your fans require more than this. Can't you GAL less and tend to our needs?