Bizarre situation

[geordie]

Here goes.....

Ater more than 2 months of talking about coming home H surprised me by calling one afternoon asking if he could come and see S....two days later he moved all of his stuff out of OW house (told her hours before he actually left that he was leaving her) and brought it all home. Unloaded everything. Went to work night shift for the next 3 nights then we had one night under the same roof at night (separate rooms). Then at 11.30pm one night we were sitting watching TV and all of a sudden he got up, said "I just can't do this...it was a mistake to come back"...went and got all of his suitcases (which he hadn't even unpacked) and disappeared........leaving me again stuck for childcare.

Then we were both due to go to the same meeting out of town. He changed his mind but then after I'd flown there, he called me the next day saying that he was driving 10 hours to be there (which he did) and we had a completely normal time. I was then due to go on another business trip the next week which he had bought tickets to accompany me....the night before I flew he called from work to say he wasn't coming - so he lost the money for the tickets. Then he called me while I was there saying he wished he'd gone with me.......

He is seriously messed up in the head.

He continued to come and sleep his nightshift off at our home but then, just as I thought we were trying to restore some sense of normality....he called me at 8am on Sunday morning after getting off work saying that he wasn't coming home because it was causing him so much anxiety to try and be a normal family. Said I wouldn't see him til Tues when he looks after S. Who knows if he will show up tomorrow or not. I think he has gone to the local-ish hotel where he has been spending a lot of time.

This is the same pattern as when he was with OW so it is very possible that he is still with her, although I know that he hasn't been living back with her - he is still secretive with his phone and hasn't yet changed his number back to a local area code, nor have I seen more than 2 pieces of mail in a month addressed to him. I think they are still in touch although I can't be bothered to even find out for sure. I am no longer a private detective which is great for me mentally but I think it means I am losing interest in this marriage.

He admits that he doesn't want to lose everything he has with me and that he needs help....but he's been saying this for so long. He promised (again) that he would call the couples therapist I have started seeing. I think he is depressed and I am concerned that he will do something bad to himself. But I can't help him anymore. He has to help himself now.

The sad thing is that our S2 is understanding more and more as time goes on. And I am getting more detached from the situation - which is good for my mental health but it is driving me further and further away from wanting to even try and save this marriage. D was never an option for me but I just feel like I am enabling his behavior and that is pathetic on my part. I am scared that this marriage cannot be saved because he will not help himself and I cannot continue to live in an empty marriage. I see so much hope but only if he gets help to sort himself out.....we cannot sort "us" out until he deals with his underlying depression.

What happens to the LBS when this sort of detachment occurs....is it more likely to end in D?? THe longer this goes on the more I feel it can't be saved. I guess I just want someone to tell me that it really can be saved.