Reading the comment he wrote about not being 100% sure I didn't make a copy hurt too bad for me to be angry.
It's really fine. He knows I wouldn't do that and I'm not going to waste my time or his trying to get him to SAY he knows it. I know he knows it. Otherwise, he'd have taken my key when I moved out (or immediately changed the locks) instead of telling me to keep it.
All the little spats over the last few months in which the anger (sometimes on BOTH sides) seemed more than the situation called for, all the little arguments over D11 and such, they've been like little fuses, lit but fizzling out, but the fuses have gotten shorter and shorter, closer to the explosive, which is the REAL ROOT of it all. Today I was remembering the argument we had a few weeks before school got out. The one D11 overheard, the one where he told me to leave but when we saw her standing there he asked her if she understood why were arguing and he said "it's not because we don't love you or because we don't love each other"... and then I explained to her how we both had different ideas of how to best help her (with her school problems) etc....etc...that was as close, and it was SCARY, as we have come to a major blowup that I know would have crossed all boundaries as far as the issues. But because both kids were in the house, it was neutralized. At the height of that argument he yelled at me "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE?!" and I said "No. I'm NEVER leaving AGAIN!" When I finally left later that night, we were on good, solid ground. Because we fought THROUGH. He let his anger begin to show and I realized where it was coming from and I knew if I walked out, that would tell him a million times over that he couldn't ever believe in me again.
This is just another speed bump. It's also the first damn thing I've done that instigated an argument in which I haven't immediately felt convicted of my behavior. I don't regret that letter because I did not write it in anger.
And I'm not leaving him no matter how mad he gets.
