Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[ourcrisis]

HB,
so good to hear from you. I was worried about not hearing from you.
My advice, IMHO, is to take it slow. Having him move back may be good because he does need the help to escape from OW. HOWEVER, it may be too easy for him to think he can just comes and goes as he wants. I do not mean this as a punishment for him in any way, but I think he needs to know that this marriage does need work and you are not a doormat anymore. So, it is a tough call. I think even if he moves back, it may be better if you two sleep in separate rooms. I waited until mine got the test result before I slept with him again. And even then, I let him move back because he did not really ask for my opinion and I was a doormat then. Looking back, I would have done differently and asked that he cut off all contacts before coming back.
HB, mind if I send you a private message?

[Heartbroken]

Please OC do! You can email me at [e-mail]

[ourcrisis]

OC, THANKS!!! email sent from [e-mail]
email may have gotten to junk mailbox. let me know if you
don't get it. THANK YOU!!!

[lovelyolive]

HB -
As always, you are an inspiration to the rest of us. So proud of you! I need to follow in your footsteps. Started working out again a couple of weeks ago. Maybe I'll be ripped like you soon

[Heartbroken]

Hello Lovely Olive- thanks for your kind words!

To all:

Saw IC last night and she said to have him move back and not into the basement - she felt that was me punishing him.... She feels if we are going to reconnect we have a better chance with him at home. So he takes the kids to Chicago -they fly to CA to be with my ILs for three weeks. He will come home Sat. when he gets back from Chicago. This will allow H and I to figure us out finally. I don't want to tell the kids until after they get back - want to feel more sure about us before dragging them back into this once again...

H and I went roller blading last night - he found an awesome park with a paved 8 mile track - and only one hill big enough to scare me. We had a great work out and an awesome time together. He says he is done with OW and he agrees with my boundary of ZERO contact and to be honest with anything she attempts. Which already has started -- this morning he came to get the kids and let me know that she TM him last night and called when he did not respond she left a msg stating she was not doing well - so much for her "Don't ever contact me again". H did not talk to her and she again TM this AM and left two phone messages as well. At some point she will have to stop or I will take care of her myself. I am so angry at her (for the first time - you need to remember we were friends first for over FIVE years - she sent me an email apologizing for wrecking our friendship and then starts up again with H???? WTF? She is desperate right now and I need to just let her hang herself - but I am so PISSED off at her - WOW!) H swears he will not contact her and he is being honest so far. I just hope he has the balls to let her go completely. I asked him this AM if he still 'loves' her and he said NO - he is sure of it. He cannot tell me ILY yet but it will come.

So I am still guarded but hopeful once again. I do want him home though - maybe then OW will see he is done once and for all!

This time is different - I am in much more control and I am holding a lot more cards than I have since last August. The tide has shifted!!

Thanks for reading my rambling! Have a great Tuesday!

HB

[imLIN]

Leave her to hang herself...she will soon become a pest if she doesn't quit bugging him...make sure he understands that he can tell you anything and that you will keep your calm...you are NOT competing with her...to call her would make her think you are...and make you look like you had concerns...he is a big boy and tell her to leave him alone if he wants to...
As for the ILY's...and that comment that he doesn't love her...give that time...I know he says he doesn't...but truth might be there are feelings that he is going to have to deal with...it took my H over a year to be able to NOT love OW anymore...now he realizes it might not have even been love but that is beside the point...and then it took over another year for him to say he loved me again...so be very very patient with him...don't ask...don't prompt...just show him by example that you love him unconditionally...but you won't share that love either...
It sounds like things are doing good...and I agree...he doesn't belong in the basement...just remember to keep GAL...even with him home...make sure you take care of you...don't fall back into the ruts...make the marriage different...better...then it ever was before...it is hard...you will question if you are doing the right thing...you may even want to ask him to leave...it is hard after being apart to put things back together...but just hang in there...it gets easier after it gets harder...just like the leaving...the coming back has it's challenges...

Take care...Lin

[theoden]

HB,

Listen to Lin.

Don't drop GAL.

Breathe.

I'm going to offer some more advice....I think you are a beautiful, faithful, wonderful goddess, so take it as coming from a big fan.

Think through, in the next few weeks, "What interesting things do I want to do that haven't given time to?"

Strange prescription...but listen.

This seems like the time to go gangbusters on piecing and re-building, but if you lead this too aggresively -- and I KNOW that's your tendency -- he'll feel chased and p*ssy-whipped. He'll feel like he's drowning in your agenda. Sound familiar?

Try being a bit more demure. Be a little mysterious and focused in your delightful life. Lure him in, don't pull him in. Let him feel like he's after you -- let him be the conquering, pursuing hero.

Soften the edges a little bit.

--Theoden

[theoden]

HB,

One more thing...

When I see the fruits of your labor. When I feel the joy you express when you write -- I can actually see God's light shining through you.

--Theoden

[ourcrisis]

HB,
I can agree to theoden.
Recently due to the move, I have been sucked into working on moving related stuff all the time and have not even called any friends yet to reconnect. H seems a bit surprised to find out. (Duh, he's at work, I am at home. How can i go out with the kids running around? plus a million things to do). But I am learning that I need to get out and NOT rely on him for all my social activities. My goal now is to call up old friends, regardless of how long we have lost touch, and make new friends. While H goes through his problem.

GAL. Let him take the kids sometimes (which is great you are doing that) You can miss a game of baseball to "go have fun". Meanwhile, while you two are together, make sure you make a nice picture of you interacting with the kids for him to see.

For myself, I somehow "forgot" to GAL for these few weeks and I think it is not helping. So my plan now is to show my FUN side, and independent side. Not the weepy, clingy "ourcrisis".

You are a wonderful person.

[Heartbroken]

Lin, Theo and OC,

Well we have had a wonderful two days. He leaves with the kids Friday AM and will get back at dinner time Saturday. He is being VERY attentive to me (diff than last time). There is a lot of future talk and HE is telling his friends he's coming home - there is excitement there (finally). H can finally admit he made a huge mistake - he is still worried about my family but we both know he will need to earn back their trust and respect.

Theo - you so KNOW me and you are right I need to back off and let him do some of the work this time. It just feels different this time.

I still have some fears - OW contacted him again Tuesday eve - three TMs but he just deleted them and will not call her. She did not call this AM. Her ex H called me Tuesday eve. asking what was going on b/c she was do depressed and he was concerned about his two boys being with her. I told him my H was done and was coming home this weekend - so hopefully OW will get this...

I will not contact OW - I am NOT competing with her (Thanks, Lin) and H has to be home b/c he wants ME and US again!

Worked out this AM - feel much lighter. Either this works out and I get my best friend back or we gave it a real try and we can end it peacefully. I am in a good place right now!

Thanks for all your insights! You are all awesome!

HB