Let me start by telling you that in my opinion you have come a VERY LONG way indeed to be the person you are today from the person who started posting. I hope you see that.
Thanks -- I do see that. It's amazing how reading about and understanding DBing can impact a person in these S/D sitchs. I was such a boob early on, wasn't I?
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I had assumed you were much older than you are. You just seemed mature, calm, clear headed and in control.
I think it's easy to come across this way when sticking to the DB playbook. It's when we run out of plays and have to wing it where the true level of maturity shows itself. But thanks -- I fluxuate between early teens and papa smurf.
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Let me also say that your GALing is among the best I have seen on these boards, and far better than mine.
I'm trying -- the dancing is the best GAL activity I'm invested in for a few reasons. 1) I've always wanted to learn Lindy Hop, and W and I were always going to do this when we found time. 2) I'm now on a performance team for it (which I love!), and W used to be top dog in a dance squad in H.S., so I'm sure this knowledge has her curious to some extent. 3) Getting into all of this on my own was totally out of my comfort zone, so it is one helluva 180 for me. 4) I've met a lot of fun and outgoing people, which really causes me to enjoy and value the time I spend doing this activity. Salsa is next on this list, and that I KNOW will jab at the the W!
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If I followed the timing correctly, you and W separated 9 months ago, 7 months ago you pushed her to decide to work on things or get a D, 3 weeks after that you filed for a D, and for approximately the next 3 months you went pretty dark (with the exception of weekly letters for a little while). You got a DUI on St. Patty's Day, and lost your job. You've been sober since that time. (Aside: what are you doing for work?) About the same time, W started seeing OM. Did I get all of that right?
Mostly correct. I actually didn't begin sending the letters until 2 weeks after my DUI (after the 3 month dark period). I do know that my W asked a friend during that dark period if I was dating. He told her yeah (went on a few dates pre DB to try to get W's attn. Oops! I found I wasn't comfortable and ready for it yet, though, and quickly stopped), and I guess her reply was just a nod of confirmation. Still don't know what to think about that. Like maybe that was her green light to be with OM, or maybe she was actually curious/interested in my life since being dark for so long.
Haven't been working since -- I actually have my trial in 3 days (I refused the breathalizer because the officer just yanked me (literally) out of the truck, slammed me face first on the ground and arrested me. No field sobriety tests or anything. I've got a good lawyer and we think the jury will acquit me (keep fingers crossed). One of the main factors in me losing my job is that Channel 6 news was riding with the officer that night, so the whole thing got plastered all over the news when it was discovered I was a teacher. However, the blessing in disguise regarding this is that the whole thing was caught on tape and it shows the officer making some poor decisions (which contradict several statements he made in his report).
So there is that story...
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In my mind, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if there is anything esle you can do to unfile or stop the divorce proceedings you started.
I thought I made this clear to my atty, but I will call tomorrow to make sure there's nothing left for us to do to delay it.
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In connection with the mediation, I am guessing that process is done. If not, delay any future meetings. If it is done, did you sign some sort of agreement in connection with what was agreed?
It is done, but I haven't actually signed the papers. My atty has them though. I've decided, however, that regardless of W's future with OM or any other man, I'm going to honor the 50/50 split. I felt good about it then, and after I calmed down from the recent moving in w/ OM thing, I realize that it is the best/right thing to do.
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If the D proceedings cannot be slowed, delayed or undone, then I am wondering if you ought to approach your W about it. I'm just thinking out loud and definitely would want others' opinions, but i'd be curious how she would react now (or closer to 8/16) if you told her that you made a mistake, you don't want a D (or aren't in a rush and want to be sure), and that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you filed. It was a mistake. You could add that you understand that may be what she wants and you won't stand in her way, but you want her to file so you don't have to kick yourself for the rest of your life about it. I know this is a LONG SHOT, but I would be thinking about it if I were in your shoes.
I agree that getting other opinions from DBers on this matter would be nice, but I will consider the idea in the meantime. I think the part about telling W I am "having a hard time dealing with the fact that I filed. It was a mistake. That I understand that may be what she wants and I won't stand in her way, and that I want her to file so I don't have to kick myself for the rest of my life about it," sounds pretty good, and though it might cause her to get angry after hearing it, she will understand it in the long run and it will likely only be a temporary wound. I'm just afraid that it will cause her to dig her heels in deeper and really shut the door on reconciliation pre-D. Post-D is another matter though...
And I'm still giving the kids that bath before she gets them each Sunday night to help her out with her diabetes. She's tired a lot, so I figured it's at least something I can do. Funny thing about this is that she did the same for me one night that she had to bring them by. I'm 99% sure she did it because she realized that I was doing it for her. I thought this was important, and a tiny babystep too.
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Is she still going out and getting hammered?
She can't because of her diabetic sitch, or else I think she maybe would be -- can't say for sure though. She sowing her wild oats since she never got to when she turned 21 (she was pregnant at the time, and never got to do it afterwards because we now had a son).
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It seemed as I read it that in the past two months she was annoyed less and didn't hate you at times. Do you agree? This weekend you concluded things were about the same. I see progress, albeit small steps. After you re-read your own thread, let me know whether you agree or whether you stil see things as about the same.
I agree -- when I say things are the same, I mean that they have been static for the last month and a half or so. No changes + or -. That's why I was considering address her LL (and I haven't gotten around to the book yet like I said I would. I won't see her until next Sunday, so I still have time). However, I think that maybe a should try another 2-4 weeks of what I've been doing. Things seemed to go good today regarding the phone convo about the cell phone bill, so maybe I was being hasty.
Well, there it is -- I'll go back through this week and re-read my thread and see what I can decipher. I still don't know if I agree about all of the babysteps, or sunny's take that W is "sneaking peeks" over the castle wall, but after I read the thread I may feel different about that (we'll see).
Thanks again mopo -- you've got a heart of gold, and truly went above and beyond to help me out on all of this. And thanks for making me feel good about myself -- this has been hard to do, esp these last 8 months! Hard to forget the past and forgive myself for all of my mistakes, both pre and post S.
