I am detaching more honestly. This dinner thing is just that a dinner. I am only going to talk about what my son and I did during the day. Do yo think I should say anything about the drugs?.Not sure, I don't want sympaty although i dought I would get any but I don't want to give her amunition to maybe used aginst me later. I just wanted to show one of my 180's.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Good job, keep detaching. I wouldn't mention the drugs to her, as I think it will get a bigger impact when she finds out rather than you telling her. That would be a 180 in itself if you didn't tell her about it.
Talking about your son is a great move. Keep it light hearted and enjoy the dinner.
The secret is to keep detaching. If you enjoyed your lunch with W's cousin, do it again sometime. Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with positive people. Keep going to the local watering hole and build a few friendships with the regulars.
Keep doing things with your son, and keep doing things for yourself. Trust me buddy, it will get easier with time. Don't worry about your actions or inactions, and don't worry that you may be pushing your wife towards OM or away from you. If you detach, GAL and give her space, this will work for you not against you.
You cannot change what may or may not happen by doing this. You can only change (for the worse) your sitch by still being there for her and trying to instigate things that she may not want at this time.
Slowly slowly, your sitch will turn a corner.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
Hey AndyV, G'day Mate! Well my life is still stuck in limboland. wife picked up D on Fri and I walked them out to the car. Had a pleasant chat asked wife what her and D's plans were for the weekend and she looked me straight in the eye and said "we have absolutely nothing planned." Soo heres where I backslid I said well if you guys want to hang out for a bit just give me a call. She smiled and said ok. I know that it probably wasn't the right thing to do but I wanted to see. Well no contacgt from W and I'm not going to contact her. This truly sucks. Did I screw it up again?
No, I wouldn't worry about it. I have screwed up way worse.
Just sounds like she still needs her space and time to sort herself out. My W is the same. We have done nothing together in months. I stopped asking her ages ago.
I am coping alot better these days. It does get easier. I find that I am too busy with my own life and DD these days, that I don't have time to even think about my sitch. So even if my W wanted to catch up with me, I don't think I could fit her in my schedule
I find that W is so polite and pleasant towards me these days since I backed off completely. It is as if we were dating (the last time she was this nice). I don't know how far the divorce papers are off, or what she is planning, but it is alot nicer to have her in this mood.
Just keep GALing and keep yourself fit and happy. If you still want her back, then patience is the key. The less you worry about things the easier it will become. You have to trust me on this, as I have gone through the same scenerio as you, and I am happier now regardless of what the outcome may be. The quicker you detach fully, the better it will be for you, as hard as it may be.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
Well said my friend. I am working on being patient. She is still confused and It doesn't help to worry about what she is up to. I guess I'm in for the long run. How has dating helped your sitch? does your W know? What is your opinion?
Well said my friend. I am working on being patient. She is still confused and It doesn't help to worry about what she is up to. I guess I'm in for the long run. How has dating helped your sitch? does your W know? What is your opinion?
I don't discuss anything I do with my W. She probably has an idea when she sees me all dolled up and staying out till late, but she has not asked and I have not disclosed.
The change in her mood has co-incided with me going out more, and dating. Also, my confidence and self worth are higher than it has been even before the bomb. I look back now and realise the mistakes I have made, but my W sure did make alot also.
You just have to be careful if you do decide to date, and be honest with the person you are with. The women that I have spent time with know my sitch. It is just really nice to be able to go out and have fun with someone other than your mates. And do the things that you enjoyed (as a couple), like dinners, movies, coffee etc, and great conversation.
But you really do have to be careful. If you really want to get your R back with your W, the last thing you want is to connect emotionally to someone else, and possibly having that progress into something serious.
Funny thing happend this morning. My W had her best friend sleep over last night (BF is one of my biggest supporters), and they were up all night talking in her bedroom. This morning W came into my bedroom early to ask whether I wanted her to drop DD off at vacation care, or whether I could do it. I told her that I didn't mind, and she said "Thanks Darling".
Man, I take everything she says and does with a pinch of salt, but it was nice to hear those words, when you haven't heard them for over 6 months.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
The change in her mood has co-incided with me going out more, and dating. It is just really nice to be able to go out and have fun with someone other than your mates. And do the things that you enjoyed (as a couple), like dinners, movies, coffee etc, and great conversation.
But you really do have to be careful. If you really want to get your R back with your W, the last thing you want is to connect emotionally to someone else, and possibly having that progress into something serious.
AndyV,
I wanted to know if you waited to get served papers before dating? I really want to start meeting nice women but not when I'm currently married. That would put me in the same category as my W. You are doing exactly what you need to Andyv, GALing and dating would make your mate see what she is missing and understand the grass isn't always greener and she could loose you.
Other things mentioned in this book that seemed like really good advice was to agree w/ everything your mate says and put a happy face on it. "yes, i agree divorce is the best thing" "yes i have neglected you, you're right" It takes the wind out of their sail because we haven't been agreeing w/ them and all of a sudden I'm agreeing w/ everything my wife says. It really calms her down and then we can talk. In the mean time, their OM/OW is demanding time and demanding affection while we are not asking for anything. I'm really glad for you Andyv,I'm hoping to follow in your dating footsteps soon!Keep dating!
My W has been preparing divorce papers since Feb, but I have not been served any. I think she will wait until Oct (12 months separation) before serving me, I don't know for sure.
I have just started to date, as W has never given me any reason to think she want's to get back into the R. I don't know how she feels (whether she knows I am dating women and not just going out with my mates), she is without emotion (which makes me think that there is no hope of reconciling).
Deep down inside, I don't think she will return, as her life is so different now, and she seems to be enjoying it. Also, she is so stubborn, that she would rather go full steam ahead with her course rather than lose face.
I read other peoples sitches, and see the anger that their W's show to them, which means that there is still feelings there. My W is an ice queen, and shows nothing. When we were together, she was the most jealous person alive, but not anymore.
Who knows what they are thinking and what they are doing. All I know is that I am much happier now, and there is no worse case scenerio for me as I have projected every possible outcome. And the dating helps me validate my own self worth, and that there will be a positive outcome, regardless.
Also, my W told me that she is working on making a R with OM. She is spending all her free time with him, staying overnight, organising a week away over school holidays to go away with him, etc etc. This would have killed me and sent me in a jealous rage a few months ago. But It doesn't worry me now that I have detached, and am GALing.
Everyone is different. It is up to you whether you think that dating would help you "pass the time" and whether it will improve your PMA, which in turn will make you more attractive to your W. I am no expert, but I feel better than I have felt in a long time.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
