Getting started

[Nomopo]

Hi there!

I hear you about the bike, and think you are thinking clearly on it and handled it well.

My Mom pointed out maybe he already thinks its over and is getting the most he can while still in a decent financial situation...or to help in pick up chicks once I am gone.

I seriously doubt this.

This past weekend wasn’t too bad. My D4 had dance recitals Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights so DH and I went together with her. We are by no means at war so the evenings were pleasant and cordial. My parents & grandmother were with us on Friday and his family was there with us Saturday. I think this cut down on much of the possible tension. I slept at home both Friday and Saturday night. I don't think this is working as H takes every night I am there as some sign that things are "better" even though I am just there for D4 & dog.

Glad the weekend was pretty good. On how H takes you sleeping there, don't worry about what he thinks (or try to guess). Do what you want to do. If he ever asks or says so things must be better, you can tell him calmly that "no, I am staying there to be close to D4, but you shouldn't assume things are better. I still need time and space to figure stuff out (and I appreciate that you have been giving it to me - can you say this?). This is going to take a while. While I am taking that time and space to focus on myself and what I want/need, I suggest you take the time to focus on yourself." (Not sure about that WAW; just kind of thinking out loud here. What do you think?)

MC Saturday was similar to last week. C going over more relationship history/personal histories etc. DH got chastised again for taking so long to agree to go to MC. He said H was very lucky that I still love him at all.

Hope he doesn't chastise him too much. What's the point? To piss him off?

The C told him for the next 2 weeks he is to focus on breaking down the ice that has grown around my heart.

Is that what you want? Don't you want some time and space? Seems he would be better to focus on what he did in the past to contribute to you two growing apart. He needs to understand his role in this mess so her can address it going forward. Does that sound right to you?

I am still madder than a hornet that he refused to participate until now and still not sure we can regain our footing. It’s rotten but I do not feel that any of his overtures are sincere. I feel like everything nice that he is doing or saying is purely reactionary to my leaving.

I would just say it took my wife's threat of leaving and divorce, after 15 months of not good MC, to finally wake me up. But I am so sincere, and yes i don't want her to leave. My IC said many men have to look into the abyss before they have that awakening, but he has seen it many times and it is usually very sincere. Not sure if your H is there or not, but I thought I'ds throw that in.

For the first time in years DH expressed an interest in being intimate again…He has no idea was he wasn’t attracted to me for the last few years and all of sudden has a libido again..Hello? WTF? I get shot down for years…constant rejection and comments about not being into me were really good for my self esteem…my friends wonder if I am anorexic because I have lost so much weight trying to be attractive to him. Now he expects me to resume a physical relationship when I can barely stand him? Help me out here I just don’t get this. I am so completely turned off to him that the thought makes my skin crawl. Its too bad cause he looks better than he has in years. He is an attractive man but I am just not attracted.

You're not wrong. My W feels the same way. If you don't want to be intimate, set that boundary. Tell him and MC you're not ready, and you will let him/them know if and when you are again. I would caution you not to hold back on this longer than you need to. What I mean is, if you start to feel like you want to be intimate agin down the road, don't hold back just because all of your R issues haven't been resolved. When you are ready, it can help the two of you connect while you continue to improve your R/M.

I am worried that I will never get that back.

I believe if and when the emotional connection returns (and I believe it can, but it may take a while), the physical feelings can be nurtured to return too. I would hope you wouldn't make any decision just because you're not sure you can feel that way about him again. Put that concern on the back burner. If you felt attarcted to him before, I'm sure you can again once the R/M starts to be repaired.

I refuse to be physical just because. If I don’t feel it, I am not doing it.

Agree 100%.

I am still staying at the parents and just staying home when it’s my night to have D4. She still has no idea anything is going on

She might know more than you think. My D4 picked up on much more than I would have ever thought.

we are still participating in family activities…zoo, movies, recital etc like we normally would. H sees this all as is progress, where I still see it as survival and working together to keep D4’s life stable and intact while we figure out where the heck this is going. I am lonely when at my parents but I do not miss H. I miss D4, I miss the dog, I miss my home but not H. I could take him or leave him at this point. He isn’t getting the msg that there is no quick fix to this.

Can't your MC help get this message across? Why did MC tell H to spend two weeks trying to break down your walls. By advice I think. Has MC read DR? S/he probably needs to. Can you suggest it?

At least now he has a new motorcycle so he will be getting out of the house more often I hope. He desperately needs a life!

Again, can't MC give him this guidance? Maybe MC needs some individual sessions with H. Maybe MC could direct H to this site.

He is pushing for dates etc. I am just not into going at this point. I need to want to date him and I don’t right now. How do I manage this without hurting him?

You tell him you need time and and space. You tell him to back off for ___ month(s). Man, your MC could help here. Maybe MC can require him to read this book. Maybe you should meet with MC alone first to get him/her on board.

I have tried to get him to check out this sight or read the DR etc but still not interested. I am going to keep working on me, my needs and my part of the marriage.

Oh, I see you tried to get him here or to read the book. What happened? He flat out refused? Again, maybe MC can help. Or maybe (just maybe; thinking out loud) you tell him if he doesn't read it and doesn't come to this site you're through. I don't know. Maybe that's too drastic. Again, thinking out loud.

Nomopo