Introspection, Growth, and Acceptance

[galing]

Hello Dana.

I guess my thoughts right now are regarding if I should be the one to file.

And a tough decision that one is. Suppose this situation (i.e. nobody files) continued indefinitely? Then what?
Then I never let go, never move on, never move forward in my future. Although I have been "moving on" I have still been holding onto this marriage. Until it is completely over, I don't know that I'll be able to move forward regarding building my life, (or searching that out) with someone else.
Therefore, for myself, I need to move forward.

And what does move forward mean exactly? Aren't you/haven't you been moving forward this whole time?

Yes, I believe I have been moving forward. I guess what I mean is I have started to envision a future for myself. I know this marriage can't be in my future so at some point, I need a resolution, a disolving of the marriage so I know I can move forward more. I do want to be a married person and have a family someday. I guess at some point in the near future, I want to start the process in opening myself up for that truly and I personally don't feal I can do that until my marriage is ended.

I don't think I will feel right dating as long as I am legally married.

And so you won't. Admirable stance, one that's highly personal and not right for everyone. But if it's right for you....

if since the marriage is over anyway, why I can't get past myself and just be the one to file. I don't know why I'm hung up on that bit.

Why?

Maybe because it wasn't what you wanted? yes
Maybe because you don't want to be "responsible" for ending it? yes, i am worried about carrying the burden for the rest of my life of knowing i ended it and thinking of the "what ifs". i really was hoping and wanting him to be the one to do it since he is the one that has left the marriage and not returned and says he won't. so i want him to be the one to really make that last stance. i feel like he could carry on like this forever though or until he knows he's ready to marry someone else. i can't do that.... i can't truly move forward with someone else (or even have that possibility in my future) until this marriage is ended.
Maybe because you're not ready to end it? no idea anymore if I would or could work on it if he wanted to. haven't had to think about it so i don't.

and those are the ones I could come up with off the cuff, you might have some of your own?

Anyway, because I'm confused I know it is not a time to act...

So, as a classic problem solver, instead of listening and empathizing, I'll ask this:

Exactly what would it take to help alleviate that confusion?

And I guess if I was going to try to be more like the new me, I'd tack on:

"And is there anything I can do to help, even if it's just listening?"

I don't know if anything can alleviate that confusion. My counselor keeps telling me that with time I will be ready to end it. But that I will have to be the one to do so. I guess I'll just give myself more time. I seem to be getting closer.

2) Not sure I want to tell it to you in this way, but moving on gets much, much easier once all the formalities are out of the way (or at least it did for me). The court date etc. actually felt a little like closing the door on things and it really helped me move forward. Until that happened I always felt like things we're still unresolved... Sounds like you're a little like that yourself, since you're saying what I always did (I'm still married until the judge says I'm not, or whatever it is for you...
I think I'm probably like that too.