Introspection, Growth, and Acceptance

[S_O_T_S]

Hello Dana.

I can't remember whether I've ever posted to you before, and if I have, I probably started that post the same way...

You seem a little... melancholy today? Sorry to see that if it's true.

Quoting you in bold:

I guess my thoughts right now are regarding if I should be the one to file.

And a tough decision that one is. Suppose this situation (i.e. nobody files) continued indefinitely? Then what?

Therefore, for myself, I need to move forward.

And what does move forward mean exactly? Aren't you/haven't you been moving forward this whole time?

I don't think I will feel right dating as long as I am legally married.

And so you won't. Admirable stance, one that's highly personal and not right for everyone. But if it's right for you....

if since the marriage is over anyway, why I can't get past myself and just be the one to file. I don't know why I'm hung up on that bit.

Why?

Maybe because it wasn't what you wanted?
Maybe because you don't want to be "responsible" for ending it?
Maybe because you're not ready to end it?

and those are the ones I could come up with off the cuff, you might have some of your own?

Anyway, because I'm confused I know it is not a time to act...

So, as a classic problem solver, instead of listening and empathizing, I'll ask this:

Exactly what would it take to help alleviate that confusion?

And I guess if I was going to try to be more like the new me, I'd tack on:

"And is there anything I can do to help, even if it's just listening?"

My mom told me recently that getting a divorce is worse than losing a spouse to death.

Maybe not worse, but certainly a different type of pain. One that doesn't exactly allow for closure quite so easily...

She said, divorce is worse than death because the person is still there, still available via email, phone, can see them on the street, etc. and so that complete loss doesn't really happen.

To this I would also add....

If your spouse dies, chances are they did not make a willful choice to do so, whereas in our cases...

How to you stop talking, stop conversing, stop sharing thoughts, stop caring about each other?

Well, for us, it's more like an amputation. Suddenly you wake up and you're missing a part of you. Nothing you can do about it, so you just learn to get on with it. The how comes by learning how to live again, and doing so in the absence of what's now missing.

And like I said earlier, haven't you really been moving on the whole time?

I feel like you have to do that to move on, yet regardless of the acceptance, the draw is still there to have that person in your life in some way because they have been for so long.

I think the ideal we many of us have is that we will always 'love' them at some level or another... But I really think that we just become more used to not having them around and eventually they recede from our thoughts altogether. As I've been explaining to swashy for a while, eventually one becomes indifferent, and you're no longer emotionally bound to them.

A couple other things about moving on....

1) IC is always telling me that the best way to replace old memories (something I was hung up on) is to start making new ones. Eventually the old ones get boxed up and the boxes don't get opened very often.

2) Not sure I want to tell it to you in this way, but moving on gets much, much easier once all the formalities are out of the way (or at least it did for me). The court date etc. actually felt a little like closing the door on things and it really helped me move forward. Until that happened I always felt like things we're still unresolved... Sounds like you're a little like that yourself, since you're saying what I always did (I'm still married until the judge says I'm not, or whatever it is for you...

Anyway, I hope this helps. As always, whenever I see someone (seemingly?) hurting, it's a little dissatisfying to be unable to do much about it.

Take care,