As far as the bike, its not that I didn't want him to get it per se. I just wanted him to know that this is not the magic bullet to getting back what we had or fixing things. Cause thats how he thinks...He will get a bike and instantly he can turn back the clock 10 years and I will be in love with him again now work needed. The issues we have will be there with or without the bike...Plus, since I am unsure that we can save the marriage I was really hesitant to put us even more into debt. Timing for this seemed really bad to me. Here I am, moving out. Getting a second job so I can pay for my new place and he is spending a gallian dollars on a recreational vehicle. But in the end its *his* choice, he is an adult and I respect his right to do whatever the heck it is that makes him happy. He chose to get the bike anyway even after hearing my concerns. My Mom pointed out maybe he already thinks its over and is getting the most he can while still in a decent financial situation...or to help in pick up chicks once I am gone. Either way, the horse is out of the gate and he has the motorcycle.
This past weekend wasn’t too bad. My D4 had dance recitals Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights so DH and I went together with her. We are by no means at war so the evenings were pleasant and cordial. My parents & grandmother were with us on Friday and his family was there with us Saturday. I think this cut down on much of the possible tension. I slept at home both Friday and Saturday night. I don't think this is working as H takes every night I am there as some sign that things are "better" even though I am just there for D4 & dog.
MC Saturday was similar to last week. C going over more relationship history/personal histories etc. DH got chastised again for taking so long to agree to go to MC. He said H was very lucky that I still love him at all. The C told him for the next 2 weeks he is to focus on breaking down the ice that has grown around my heart. I am still madder than a hornet that he refused to participate until now and still not sure we can regain our footing. It’s rotten but I do not feel that any of his overtures are sincere. I feel like everything nice that he is doing or saying is purely reactionary to my leaving. For the first time in years DH expressed an interest in being intimate again…He has no idea was he wasn’t attracted to me for the last few years and all of sudden has a libido again..Hello? WTF? I get shot down for years…constant rejection and comments about not being into me were really good for my self esteem…my friends wonder if I am anorexic because I have lost so much weight trying to be attractive to him. Now he expects me to resume a physical relationship when I can barely stand him? Help me out here I just don’t get this. I am so completely turned off to him that the thought makes my skin crawl. Its too bad cause he looks better than he has in years. He is an attractive man but I am just not attracted. I am worried that I will never get that back. I refuse to be physical just because. If I don’t feel it, I am not doing it.
I am still staying at the parents and just staying home when it’s my night to have D4. She still has no idea anything is going on and we are still participating in family activities…zoo, movies, recital etc like we normally would. H sees this all as is progress, where I still see it as survival and working together to keep D4’s life stable and intact while we figure out where the heck this is going. I am lonely when at my parents but I do not miss H. I miss D4, I miss the dog, I miss my home but not H. I could take him or leave him at this point. He isn’t getting the msg that there is no quick fix to this. At least now he has a new motorcycle so he will be getting out of the house more often I hope. He desperately needs a life!
He is pushing for dates etc. I am just not into going at this point. I need to want to date him and I don’t right now. How do I manage this without hurting him? I have tried to get him to check out this sight or read the DR etc but still not interested. I am going to keep working on me, my needs and my part of the marriage.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
