Back at It Again III

[789]

I think you need to figure out what that nagging voice is all about, make sure you are clear in what you want before you do something you regret.
Remember don't believe anything they say, especially if they are upset or angry at the time.
You also need to try not to have D8 involved when it comes to you and wife. I have a S8, who asks me questions also, I always tell him I don't know or that mom and dad are just working on things, even on the bad days. You don't want her going up and down with emotions even if you and or wife are, they need to be protected from this the best you can.

[789]

I was just thinking of something else she said tonight. She says things similar to this all the time.

She said I always blame her for our marriage going bad and I take no responsibility. I've taken my share of the responsibility several times. I told her I know I wasn't perfect and I made plenty of mistakes that contributed to the downfall of our marriage. Her response - "I don't believe you."

I mean, what can I say to that? If she doesn't believe what I say then what's the point?

Just agree with her, put it on her shoulders to figure out. At some point she will have to come to the realization that it takes two of you and neither of you can take all the blame if it ends in D, nor can you both take all the credit if you two can work it out.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

The children are involved as little as possible. I felt that question required a response. I sure don't want her telling someone else that her mommy has a husband and a boyfriend and asking them if it's OK.

[789]

Well thats good. What if she asks someone else if it is okay for her mom to have a boyfriend and a husband, just puts more on her. It is her fault if she lets daughter think or know she is seeing OM. I know it hurts, but let her bare that brunt of a question or the thoughts others will have of her.

[OldFool]

If this has been going on for a while, I think it may be time to let go. My advice? Get a legal separation so you're protected and then go on about your life as though you were divorced (with the exception of dating). Don't file for D unless you feel it's necessary. Stop making excuses for her. Stop hanging out with her. Try to avoid giving her the excuse that *you* filed for D. Don't play her game and, one way or the other, she will eventually have to make a decision...work on reconciling or file for D herself. At least you'll know and *she'll* have to take responsibility.

I still have that nagging voice in the back of my head that says, "Just hang in there and one of these days you'll figure out the one thing you can do to get her back."

Tune it out. There isn't...and you can't. She'll try to blame you, but don't accept it. She could dump the OM, agree to counseling, and stop playing the blame game, but she doesn't want to. It's as simple as that. Nothing you can do will change it until *she* wants to.

I talked to her tonight again and now that nagging voice is louder. It tells me, "There has to be something you can do by the way she's talking."

If you can't handle talking to her, stop. Keep your conversations short and business. Anything else comes up, make an excuse to cut the conversation short.

I do remember she complained that I got her absolutely nothing for mother's day. She said if I couldn't afford a card (I literally had $2 to my name on that day) that a hand-written one would have meant more anyway.

My heart bleeds! More excuses...if only you'd said this, if only you'd done that, if only you hadn't said the other thing. Institute a no-dump-on-me policy.

She said when we went out to dinner she was enjoying spending time with me. But then I had to go and start bringing up the past again and make her feel terrible about herself.

So quit doing it. The next time she suggests dinner, tell her you don't want to since she says you always end up making her feel terrible about herself and you don't want to do that.

I'd stay as far away from D8's questions as possible. If she has questions like that, tell her it's something she should ask her mother. You are enabling your WAW's bad behavior by helping her avoid the difficult/painful aspects of what she's doing.

Strength and clarity to you.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

Thank you very much, OF. That really is what I needed. You seem to hit everything right on the head. I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it.

I was listening to a financial talk radio show the other day. A woman called in and was distressed that her son decided to skip college for now and move in with his girlfriend. She was helping support him by paying for his car insurance among other things. The talk show host said she had to stop doing that. He said she was enabling him in making bad decisions. He said she needs to practice some "tough love" and tell him if he feels he's a grown up then he needs to support himself fully.

She was also letting her son do chores around her house for money and he told her that has to stop too. He said she needs to tell her son, "Go out and get a job, grown up." He said it's called tough love for a reason, because it's tough to do.

Anyway, that conversation made me realize I am also an enabler. I am making my wife's bad decisions as easy on her as possible. That's when I really thought I should go through with the divorce. Maybe the threat of actually filing will be enough to wake her up since she seems to think I am going to wait forever. I suspect it probably won't though. But, I can't continue to let her drag me down with her.

Her bank account was overdrawn and she asked if I could give her a little extra this payday. I told her I simply couldn't because I don't have it (truth). I probably should have just told her, "No, you get the amount we agreed upon and nothing more."

Thanks again, OF.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

When it all boils down to it, she is just playing games. I think the reason she doesn't go ahead and file is because she knows she loses a lot more control over me if we're actually divorced. It seems clear to me from a few things she's said lately that she fully expects us to still be separated by the end of this year.

One - She want us to go talk to an accountant because she's planning on filing separately at the end of the year and she needs to know how we can best do it so that "we" get the most money back.

Two - A friend of hers is having a wedding in October. The friend asked if she would be bringing anyone. My wife told her she'd "probably be bringing her boyfriend." (This is the same man that she tells me isn't that important to her when the subject comes up, now he's her boyfriend.)

Three - When I told her she needs to talk to D8 to clear up her confusion about her having a boyfriend when she's still married she mentioned that eventually I will meet someone else too and D8 will have to deal with that. Of course, the difference between my wife and I is my children won't see anyone I'm dating until I've been dating for quite a while and think that she could potentially be my next wife.

[OldFool]

Well, it sounds like she isn't leaving much room for you (separated, but with a boyfriend?!?), so that makes me think she's hoping that if she hangs on and rubs the OM in your face enough, she can drive you to the D (and then probably blame you for leaving her!). Sadly, it's not unheard of.

Of course, you have to decide what you want/need to do, but if it were me, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Like I said before, I'd do the legal separation so that everyone has their own things, credit, debts, etc. and she can't drag you down financially.

Then, wait her out. If you're like most of the LBS' around here (myself included), you'll have plenty of baggage to deal with before you'll be ready for someone else and that'll take time to work through. In the meantime, she'll likely get bored pretending to be the suave European with a husband and a thing on the side.

She may discover you're not as bad as she thought, she may really find someone else she'll want to be in a serious relationship with (in which case your M will become a liability), or...and this is the most likely...she'll come to recognize that when you're married and looking around, the only people you tend to attract are users, sleaze bags, bums, and other married people looking for a roll in the hay without strings.

At that point, she'll either want to work on it or get the D herself. In the meantime, if you've been living your own life separate from her, you'll be in a good position to let her go (you'll have essentially done that by then anyway) or know what you need from, and can give to, any rekindled relationship.

[StupidRomeo2]

MWHGC, man what can I say all this seems so exactly similar to my sitch. They're hanging on to excuses and I just don't understand why? Either we're too dumb to see what they're gaining from this or they're too dumb to realize they're wasting hours, days, weeks and months that will never return and in the process they're hurting people that'll rip their kidneys out for them in a heart beat. Life's too short for this crap, of course they'll wake up when its too late. Most people have found that they all of a sudden want to work it out when they find out you're with someone else. I'm not suggesting you should be with someone else but that's a typical woman. However, once they've had you again they go back to wanting out. They only chase you when you run, when you stop they lose interest.

Is your wife an Aries by any chance? or are you a Capricorn perhaps? I never believed in astrology and such but holy cow when I saw this site I got goose bumps reading this stuff:

http://aries.rashi12.com/Aries_Woman/ (its 9 pages long)

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

She's a Virgo and I'm a Libra. Yes, astrology seems funny to me too. I've looked at it before and I fit the description of the Libra male very well and she fits the description of a Virgo female very well.

I'm prepared for the fact that once I get involved with another woman she'll likely want me back. So, I guess I better make that clear to any woman I end up with. The thought of breaking someone else's heart doesn't sit well with me.