Every situation I read here plays out differently. I pickup or relate to each poster's case in a different way. I see correlations to my R with BB and other people I come in contact with. I see the poster’s family reacting in different ways. So many of us are common people with common problems but as a whole, there are so many ways things play out.
IRL I don't ask too many questions about why something happened or what the person was feeling. :)Yes, I am a cold-hearted man in the flesh :(, not really. I just don't want to pry into some of the things my friends do or think. Guess I call my reserved interactions social boundaries and not meddling. If a friend wants to talk, I can listen and can comment on some of their ideas that seem unfounded.
The ST is also addressing a lot of my issues, because it is never one-sided That is usually so true. That is one reason I continue to work with BB.
I have also chosen him for reasons of my own. That alone has taken me through a lot of emotion, having to go back to my own childhood fears, hurts etc. and work my way through them also. No one is immune to the child inside that is reaching out to be healed and comforted. Choosing someone because of conscious or unconscious reasons, that is a reoccurring theme in many deeper psychological talks/posts. Lil and others said something similar.
This childhood fears vs. adult choices is a whole therapy branch. I read some of Harvel Hendrix's work about 12 years ago. His method is called Imago Therapy. BB and I had 1 session of Imago therapy. It was healing at the time.
I think childhood issues and related therapy needs to continue past that stage and move to the what I call "so your childhood was traumatic, what is the now adult within you doing to make the now person happier. Some of the self-help "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (similar to AA/ALANON) helped me when I was overloaded with stress because of my back problems, not working, going to college, 2 teenagers doing some acting-out and BB going from a SAHM to back to school, back to work mode.
I am going to have a whole heck of a lot of very unpleasant visions running through my head when we get to that point and it scares the beejeepers out of me Well, here is where I don't have any advice and in fact looking at it from your POV or a woman's POV, it appears like a whole new situation to me. Like I said before this forum thing, reading and interacting with people, exposes a number of situations where one has to just learn something new.
ST asked H what he thought it would take to prove to me he could be trusted. H said "time, a lot of it, maybe 5 or 10 years I just am picturing a man, age 67~72 finally getting his W to trust him? Well if he said that and it is more than lip-service or more than just saying the right things to appear proper, then he knows he has a lot of work and time to prove himself. It certainly was a better reply than saying the As were no big deal and get over them already like some people do. The other forum I read has a lot of couples that split up when one spouse had an A. Lots of those couples are separated for years and many have D. Most of the posters are LBS. Many of the WAS put most of the blame on the LBS. Mr. HW is saying and doing the right things, so that is encouraging and you have a very good ST.
I see this as a common problem with couples but the difference is you do it as a job, to earn money (we kinda need that) he was doing it to satisfy his own needs and leaving me behind, not to mention the THOUSANDS of dollars he spent, not earned. I agree with that statement. However BB didn’t at one time to an extreme, and to a lesser degree several other times. She couldn’t see the extra work I did as something I did for all of us. She saw the extra work as me doing something for me.
She still has resentments and with the extra income that was needed to support a mortgage that was 50% higher than our old one for new, bigger house that needed landscaping, more furniture, things, and kids in school and their activities. We were both spending too much like people do today. About 6 paychecks from financial disaster. I kept everything paid off and we had money for fun, but that whole situation is part of our current marital distancing today.
MY situation is a 100% opposite of your H. He spent thousands of $$$ on his A’s and I earned $3K to $5K more yearly (1974 to 1987) so the whole family could have more. I didn’t spend the extra money on myself except for some tools so I could do more work. No cars, no bars, no $$ hobbies for me to speak of, yet I didn’t spend enough time with my family and BB. I mostly post this for the readers that work too many hours to show what could happen.
What am I getting out of this? A lot !! Really I am……..He is also helping me through the emotions I am feeling about having to put myself out there sexually and giving me tips as to how to go about it. I hope the ST is helping you with any abandonment/neglectful feelings, type issues you might have had while Mr. HW was not spending enough time with you, or was he able to live a dual life and have a happy W and an A at the same time?
He said "you have to try, even if it doesn't work That was encouraging.
Lil Your therapist sounds fantastic. I wish more were like him Lil.
Lou
Hay, the fire station is calling me. Guess I better go see what they want!
