That sounds so much better than sitting in a bookstore~ AWESOME! LOVE ~ the quote. You are doing awesome, one day at a time!!!!! Have a great weekend HB... LOVE, Ali
I hope your weekend is lovely HB. I like Theo's advice...give yourself a weekend off from the quest for coping. The sitch will keep, and you might find some more productive ways of coping in relaxing as much as possible. ((hugs))
Have a great weekend!!! I personally LOVE bookstores. One fun thing to do is go to a nice restraunt that has a bar (I go to Elephant Bar sometimes), And I'll order a side salad (spinach, candied walnuts, feta cheese, rasberrry vinagarette, yummmmmm! and a chocolate martini. I'll sit in the bar, pull out my dayplanner and a pen and write my thoughts and feelings... sometimes people will talk to me, then when I'm done I'll drive over to Borders or Barnes and Nobels and just meander through the aisles. A great place to go is the self-help positive thinking section. You know, where they have books like Chicken Soup for the Soul or Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... I look for positive books and just try to enjoy my time. Sometimes I even meet people at the book store and have great conversations!
Anyhow, have fun and enjoy having some free time for yourself!!!!
(By the way, I won't be here next week. Going to Las Vegas!!!! But I'll try to catch your sitch when I get back. Take care!!!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I was not posting within my own due to fear H reading and seeing how I was feeling and how LRT was going for me.
Things were heading down the D path up until the two weeks ago - then there seemed to be a shift with H and he did not talk so sure about D...he started talking confusion again...
The kids and I left for Hilton Head Island, SC on 6/23 - H drove us to the airport that AM. I was really dark until that point only talking to him about kid things and seeing him at S9 baseball games. So during the trip he asked D13 to talk to me -something that could have waited... I then broke down and called him on Thursday 6/28 - sad feelings got the best of me. We just talked general stuff though I wanted to cry to him I did not.
We were to fly home 6/29 and the flight from hell lasted until 6/30 at 6:15 PM - yes we were stuck in Atlanta for TOO LONG! H picked us up and I could tell something was different. We all went to a quick dinner and then to the house where H stayed while we were gone.
We talked and he was very upset - he realized how much he needs the kids and me full time. H wants to work on us AGAIN....I should be thrilled but honestly I am scared to death of getting my heart broken once again.
We went to the neighbors to watch fireworks - it was good. Said good night and H went back to the apt.
Today he called early - I slept for sh*t and am starting to run on empty..H came over around 10 and stayed all day. We talked a ton and now the kids ask what's going on since we have not been together since the week b4 memorial weekend...
H and I went to a 4th of July party tonight - left early and talked in the truck outside his apt. I said we cannot start working on us until OW is completely gone - oh yeah he did start up with her again - this I new but it still hurt to hear it from him...H said he's done with her but needs to tell her...I said I just still want our separation until he ends it for good he agrees...H says he wants to come home ASAP. The kids leave for California 7/7 thru 7/28 to be with my in laws.
I said goodnight and told him to have fun with the kids tommorrow - he is off all week. Well I did fall asleep tonight but woke to check my phone and he left a message at 11 PM since I knew I was not going back to sleep until I talked to him I called back (12:20) he answered and said that he told her he is done and is going back to me and is working on our M.
I am just numb right now - soooo afraid to feel anything - I know I will take him back in a heartbeat but soooo scared to be hurt again... H wants to come home though the lease is through August - he hates it there and just wants to be with me...
I feel we should wait until the kids are gone and that will give us three weeks to start working on us... How fast is too fast? I still love him so much though I have started to wall myself off from him it will not take much to bring this wall down.
I know I need to go slow - let him set the pace but I want him to deal with my feelings too - this time...
I need some advice once again. I'll be damn if I am not back on this roller coaster ride once again. Sometimes it seems it would have been so much easier to have just let it all go - but my heart just will not allow it. H has been my best friend for over 20 years - how do you ever just let that go???? I truly have the faith we can get through this - if H is truly willing...
It's funny b/c so many of you have said it's not over until it's over - who would have thought this could be true for my sitch once again...
Thanks for letting me vent - maybe now I can get back to sleep!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
When my H started coming home I was terrified of being hurt again...like you have a long history, he was my high school sweet heart...
All I can say is I think your idea of the time when the kids are gone is a good time...I would say take it slow...as slow as possible...also, this may be a bit TMI...but I would also require an STD panel on H...just to be safe...like I told my H it wasn't a deal breaker if he "picked something up" but I wanted to know what I was dealing with....also...put your feelings aside just a bit longer...let me explain...
When my H first returned he wasn't ready to tell me he loved me again....he couldn't say he wasn't in love with OW though they had been apart for a while....he wasn't ready to be "my husband" as he had been before...so there is a bit of a roller coaster ride in getting back together....there are times that you will question whether you are doing the right thing...if this is going to really work...and times you might even want to ask him to leave again!!!...these were all feelings I dealt with...I didn't ask that "my needs" be met when he first came back...it takes time for that selfishness in them to fade out completely...
My H has been home a bit over a year now...and JUST NOW I would say things are smoothing out and getting better...he is on anti-depression meds and is seeing a doctor for his depression...the one that he denied having for so long...he is finally taking care of himself which makes it easier for him to see how to take care of me...
OH...and keep GAL no matter what...I joined Jazzersize and go about 4 times a week...just for me...I also go out with friends...NEVER again will my life totally revolve around...yes, he is the love of my life...be his NOT my life!...I will keep myself strong and take care of me...this makes it better for me to be a good wife to him....
I hope this will help you...I know how you are feeling and it is a scary place to be...to finally see the light that you wished to see for so long but never thought you would really see it again...
Thanks for the reply! I did ask him to get tested again - first time he came back he baulked at having to get tested and then he gave blood and he said they test for everything and that that counted. I did not push the issue but this time I told him he needs to get tested and I think he hears how diff I sound now.
He again came to me before breaking it off completely with her and this bothers me. I told him I am not a sure thing and that he needs to take the risk and really try to work at it with me - to take that leap of faith that we can get through this. I told him I cannot have secrets or lies - we need total honesty.
So how fast is too fast to have him move back home?? Part of him seems to want to escape her attempts to get at him - which would be much easier at his own apt. Why can't they (WAS's) be strong enough to end it for real...?
I will try and just take this day by day and not expect too much too soon. This is going to be another fun roller coaster ride
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
What's caused him to think? You being unavailable. He's feeling your absence. When you are stong and show backbone YOU become a the respectable, vibrant woman he's attracted to.
Last time I told you I felt you were moving too fast. I'm stumped right now.
Talk to your counselor. See that he/she says. Perhaps establishing a way for you two to rebuild trust. Perhaps he needs to move back on the condition of 1. No contact with OW. 2. A commitment to counseling to help you piece after the affair. But be careful...you can't drive/push the piecing stage. He needs to. You need to state your boundaries, stick to them and allow him to run over the hurdles.
I'm only guessing here. My experience is that when my wife told me her affair ended, in processing the anger, I lost my steam for GAL. This stalled the piecing.
If you read the LRT, what's common is when the WAS returns, we tend unleash and smother them in neediness, clinginess, controlling behavior, etc. And then they run away. Sound familiar? What we THINK we want is our life back. Actually the old life is what led to the affair. What you REALLY want is a new dynamic relationship that works for both of you. You can't just be a scarred woman who has her huband back.
The deepedt question, HB, is are YOU any different in a positive way? The last post to you about keep GAL even when he comes back is key. I haven't heard much about your GAL activities: I've heard alot about how you want to get him back.
OK...so he's back, and THEN what? How has the dynamic changed if you have not really grown more strong, joyful and secure?
Is he coming back to a weeping, broken, "I'll take you back in a heartbeat" HB? Then why won't he do it again? LRT is sometimes just that, a "technique". It gets his attention, it makes him relaize what he's losing. But -- GAL is what helps you build something new.
Well my GAL has consisted of dedicated working out sessions 3 of biking and 3 of strength training - boy you should see my cut biceps - they are coming back! So physically I am in the best shape possibly ever - had to get 'hardened' somewhere.
I have been reading both self help ("Slowing Down to the speed of Life") and even fun fiction and researching house buying - been fantasizing what I would paint and decorate and landscape.
I have maintained my friendships and have gotten extremely close to three friends and my SIL with all this marriage BS I have been going through.
But that's just it - what do I WANT to do with my life? I realize that I do not need him to be whole - I want a new "US".
But not sure what I want for me. I am thinking of taking a scuba diving class to get certified. My neighbors want to teach me to wind surf and I want to continue roller blading - get the kids into it. But bottom line is I want to be that team with H - is this so wrong? We can NEVER go back to what it was - it has changed to much - but I do believe we can be even better.
I see my C tonight - the kids are actually going to see her - but I will talk with her first. She is not that definitive with her advice though - she felt I should have given up a long time ago and she cannot believe my determination.
I think I am different in a positive way - I do not feel like the doormat willing to take whatever scap H is willing to throw at me. I deserve to be loved and cherished and if he cannot do this for me then we need to end it. I finally am walking the talk - it's only taken 10 mos. but at least I know GET IT!
Theo - you are right about H coming home. As long as he understand my boundaries and can agree to them I feel he should come home. We are leery with the couseling thing do to such poor results with three of them so far... I was thinking of a couples class - PAIRS for one whole Saturday. I feel he will do what I ask of him at this point...
Baby steps for me! Thanks for your input Theo! Take some of your own advice too dude!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
HB--I too know the mixed emotions and fears that come with his decision to move home. The timing is up to you. I do think it is possible for him to come home right away as long as you are both clear on each other's boundaries. You are a different person today than you were a month ago. Bravo! Keep up the good work.
